Can You Feel The Pain?

avatarBy Frank Honess

One of the greatest realities I love about recovery is that there’s always something new to learn about yourself. For example, how a person deals with real emotions and pain in their life will directly affect their long-term outcome in recovery. For me, this has been proven time and time again. Let me explain.

I’m approaching my 13th year in recovery from a pornography addiction that nearly ruined my marriage and was on the verge of ruining my entire life. For 13 years, I was totally unaware of the toll that porn was taking upon my heart and mind. I lacked the understanding, and ultimately the real conviction of what I was doing and how it was affecting me and eventually those around me. I also lacked the tools necessary to fight back. But there was one thing I had that I lived very aware of: Pain.

I was living with a lot of pain: Loneliness, insecurity, fear of the future to name just a few. And I really believe to this day that unprocessed emotions and pain really contributed to my need for comfort. For something that would distract me and somehow take me out of that pain. And so I looked to pyrography to fill that void. But it would never deliver on the promise of being everything I needed. It only drove me further from God and further from people really knowing the real me.

I’m thankful today that I’m not that man that I was in 2009. I’ve lived in freedom for many years and experienced healing that I would have never dreamed of all those years ago. But there is still plenty that I’m working on in my recovery including dealing with what is uncomfortable. What is painful. Negative emotions. Anger. Disappointment. Stress. Frustration.

Recently at my place of work, this was tested. And I failed. There’s really no other way to say it. My response to a frustrating interaction to a customer on the phone combined with some other negative dynamics going on that day in my heart resulted in me getting into a serious funk. Looking back now, I’m really thankful for the drive that followed while delivering parts to one of our technicians in the field. It really allowed me to reflect on what was really going on inside my heart that day.

First, I needed to repent for my attitude. That was most important. I hadn’t conducted myself in a professional manor at all, never mind not delivering on my daily mission of bringing the Kingdom of God to work with me instead of expecting it to somehow magically appear at work! 🙂 So once that was done, I began to try and look deeper as to what was going on, but I noticed an interesting thing occur:

I felt a strong desire inside to create. To imagine. Not to fantasize, but to think of something I could do or say to bless someone. This has happened many times in the past as well when I’ve gotten myself in a dark place. Whenever I began to pray for someone else or think about a creative project, my mood seemed to shift. Upon consideration of this a while longer, I began to ask myself if this was really the right response or not?

Had I really processed my negative emotions (pain) or merely distracted myself from it?

Obviously, the things I mentioned above aren’t inherently wrong or evil in anyway. There are obviously ways worse things I could try to distract myself with, but was I in that moment really choosing to sit with the pain I was feeling for a while in an attempt to try to understand what was happening inside?

As I discussed this with a friend, they shared with me that there is a difference between processing techniques and distraction techniques as it relates to dealing with painful, negative experiences. And to be honest, I’m still not completely sure where I land in one of those two places. I don’t claim to be an expert, that’s for sure.

What I don’t want to do is live with unprocessed pain. And I don’t want that for anyone. Sadly, there are millions of people today that walk around with so much pain in their life and no way to deal with it in a healthy way.

Not surprisingly, unprocessed emotion has been proven to have the ability to affect you physically, opening up the potential for immune compromise and illness.

I leave you with with one final challenge: Feel your pain. Don’t stuff it. Don’t avoid it. Don’t pretend like it’s not there. You’re not fooling anyone but yourself.

Pain is a reality of life that we have to face. We live in a fallen and broken world capable of doing so much damage. None of us make it out of here without wounds. But they don’t have to be open wounds. There is a way in which you can find freedom and healing in the midst of your pain and in whatever form that it may take.

If you’re not sure where to begin, Small Groups Online makes it incredibly simple to find a community of people who, like you, are walking through pain and are learning how to process it in a healthy way. That begins in community. SGO offers you a weekly online support group with many days and times available to best fit your schedule. You can even try out SGO at no cost for two weeks to get started.

Don’t allow pain to put you under. You don’t have to live in the shadows of your past. You can have freedom over life-controlling addictions and compulsive behaviors. Check out Small Groups Online to find the group that best matches your need today!

Creating a Vision for Your Recovery in 2022

avatarBy Frank Honess

Last year around this time, I asked you to envision where you would like to be in your recovery on December 31, 2021. So…..did you do it? Were you able to see with more than just physical eyes the next steps you wanted to take in your journey? Vision requires a deeper focus than just the current state of affairs we happen to be living in. Perhaps you reached the destination you had in mind and perhaps you didn’t. The point is this: In recovery, there will ALWAYS be new ground to take.

What does that even mean? Well, in short it’s that freedom and healing are both immediate and long term. You can become free from pornography when you hit the bottom or when you’re exposed. For many, this can happen in an instant. But it’s the healing of the soul that often takes years — even a lifetime. So we have to always be envisioning where we need to go next in the restoration of our hearts.

It’s also worth noting that having a vision alone isn’t enough. We have to be developing healthy habits that we implement daily. This is how the vision is realized and accomplished. If we’re not literally putting a vision into action practically, it will be nothing more than pipe dream.

In his own way, the apostle Paul spoke to this idea of envisioning when he said this: “I don’t depend on my own strength to accomplish this; however I do have one compelling focus: I forget all of the past as I fasten my heart to the future instead.” (Philippians 3:13 TPT)

As a reminder, Paul was a man who once lived as Saul before his name was changed by God. Saul’s life was marked by the murder and persecution of many Christians before he was miraculously encountered by God one day riding upon his horse. God not only changed Saul’s name to Paul, even more so he changed the man himself. Everything changed in Paul’s life and throughout the years, a man who once hated those who worshipped Jesus became one of His greatest followers. 

While this post isn’t intended to be a Bible study, I would like us to take a look at a few parts of this verse which are very applicable to our journey in recovery for the coming year. Paul is writing very personally to the church in Philippi here.

  1. I don’t depend on my own strength to accomplish this. Throughout his entire life, Paul embraced his imperfection and flaws. He realized His need for Christ and his own inability to grow without Him. We too have to start here in our journeys. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reminded other men (and myself) over the years of their inability to find freedom and healing by themselves. Healing your soul, re-wiring your brain, learning to handle painful emotions isn’t something a man can do by himself. He needs other men to do it! Being apart of community is one of the most foundational things you can do this year to becoming a person of health and wholeness. Small Groups Online is a great place to start building community into your life. SGO is an incredible opportunity for you to meet others who are struggling the same way you are. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere. Through communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity. Check out Small Groups Online today!
  1. I do have one compelling focus. Thinking back on my childhood, my time in school, and even various tests that I’ve taken throughout my life, I’ve always been very determined. I’ve always strived to do my best. Sadly, when I became addicted to pornography for 13 years, I lost all resolve or desire to really want to quit or get better. Nevermind all the shame that porn also caused. And mix that in with the fact that I was scared to death and felt like I had no idea how to get free. It wasn’t until I reached a serious moment of self-awareness of how unhealthy I was and how my addiction was overflowing into affecting and damaging my wife who was my fiancé at the time. I know of no other way to describe than I have dozens of times before but there was a brokenness that occurred within me. I knew my impending marriage was on the brink, but even more so I knew probably for the first time that I was destroying my life. From that moment on there became an unshakable hunger to become healthy. I threw everything I had at my addiction. I became willing to do whatever it took to find freedom. Looking back now, I can truly resonate with Paul’s words. My focus was set. Nothing was going to stop me. Everything was on the line. My wife knew I could do it. And I knew I could too. I’m thankful that that focus has lasted up to this day and continues on. We have to be steadfast on this journey and not allow any compromises. How much is your recovery worth to you?
  1. I forget all of the past. For so many, this is the first major challenge in moving forward in recovery. Because we’re all so wired to focus on not only what we’ve done, but WHO we think we are. I recently wrote an article for XXXchurch entitled, “Facing the Truth About Shame”. In that post, I write about three lies that shame tells us: 1. Shame tells us we’re alone. 2. Shame tries to convince us we’re unlovable. And 3. Shame says we have no future. THESE ARE ALL LIES! But for so many, they get stuck in their past, convinced they are someone they truly aren’t. Shame paralyzes. Not so for Paul. It was truly by the grace of God that he was able to shed a name that was associated with so much death and He accepted the name that was always meant for him. And that is our story too. We don’t have to allow our past to define who we become today or tomorrow. One thing I think is clear: God didn’t erase Paul’s memory. He knew where he had come from and who he used to be. There is a fine line between being trapped by the shame of our past and remembering where we’ve come from. For healing to really take place, we must look back to the decisions we made and the painful experiences we walked through while simultaneously keeping our eye on the person we want to become.
  1. I fasten my heart to the future. I love the climax of this verse. It brings us back around the very beginning of this post. Creating a vision for your recovery journey in 2022. Obviously you and I never had the chance to sit down with Paul over coffee and hear his life story, but I’m betting if we did, we would hear some wild things. And I’m betting you and I would get a clue of His passionate love for Christ and his desire to see the gospel advanced all over the world. This is what his heart was fastened to. Not the failures of his past or his current struggles. Not the chains that would bind him or the pain he would endure. He never lost the vision of why he was alive. We need that same laser-like focus for our lives. No doubt, the early days are difficult. And if you don’t have a recovery plan in place it makes it that much more difficult. But you can be victorious! You can be free! And you can heal! If you really want it.

I pray that 2022 will be the greatest year of your recovery ever. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with how much work there is to do in our hearts. That shouldn’t be your focus. Become apart of a community. Get your devices protected. If necessary, sit with a therapist for a season. Do WHATEVER you have to do to reach your vision of sexual purity. Trust me when I say that the results of your hard work will be worth it. You can do it!

The Greatest Recovery Lessons From 2021

avatarBy Frank Honess

Happy New Year!!!

I (Frank) and everyone at Small Groups Online pray that you’ve had a wonderful start to 2022. I’m really excited for all God has for us in this new year! There will be so much more great content coming on the blog this year and we’re thankful to have the opportunity to encourage you and equip you on your journey.

As this is technically the “last” post for 2021, I wanted to highlight some of my favorite posts from this last year and the lessons contained within them. A lot of words have been written and you have may not caught each month’s post. So we wanted to share what I believe to be the best of the best from 2021. It’s that time of year where everyone shares their “best of the best” content, so I figured, why not do it here too? 🙂

You’ll notice in this post I’ve listed my top 6 favorite posts with the main point of the article and some extra commentary as well. I would encourage you to read all of the articles in full as time allows.

Here are six of my favorite recovery posts from 2021:

  1. What Do You Want From Your Recovery In 2021?— I love starting every new year with having a conversation about the importance of vision in a person’s life. Charting out where you want to go in the coming months and most importantly WHO you want to become is so crucial and critical in recovery. So in this post, I asked the question that if there were an area you could get better in or become strengthened in, what would it be? I give four very important areas to look at in recovery. Don’t worry, I won’t spoil them here. But here is the main point: Once you stop learning, you stop growing. It’s so important to never forget that truth. The day I decide to kick back and think to myself that I know all there is to know about my recovery, I’ve harmed myself in a way like none other. Never stop hungering for growth your life, for improvement, and for health. There’s always some way we can get better. Thankfully, you don’t have to do it on your own. Which leads us to the next best recovery lesson from 2021…
  1. 4 Vital Sources of Community You Can Find Today — Hopefully you’ve come to this realization by now, but recovery cannot be done alone. In order to find long-term success on your journey, there’s much work to be done! But here’s what you need to know: You are not alone in your recovery. There are so many sources of support and community available to you. But YOU must be the one to want it and find it. In this article, I share four vital sources of community that you can find today. Community is literally one phone call, one email, one message away. It’s not hard to find. Small Groups Online offers incredible opportunities for you to meet with other men and women who share the struggles that you do. I’ve said this many times, but I’ve counted my months and years in a support group to be one of the greatest things I could have done to find freedom and healing.
  1. 2 Reasons Why Freedom (Not Sobriety) Should Be Your Goal In Recovery— Sobriety is a very popular term in recovery circles. It’s a popular indicator of the amount of time someone has gone without acting out or expressing compulsive behavior. At the heart of the word there’s nothing inherently wrong, but I believe it’s how it’s been used that has possibly gotten us off track. Experiencing freedom in recovery is the real goal, not just sobriety. If we don’t eventually make it our goal to understand the WHYS behind our behavior, we’ll never truly be free. In this post, I share 2 reasons why freedom should be the goal in recovery, just racking up more days without using porn (or whatever the addiction is).
  1. How Do I Talk To My Spouse About Addiction & Recovery?— Quote possibly one of the hardest things to do in recovery is learning how to communicate with your spouse about your addiction (if you’re married). I remember how difficult the conversations were when I was coming out of my addiction because of my history of lying to my fiancé at the time. The first year of our marriage was incredibly challenging because we hadn’t learned how to talk about the things I struggled with. We needed help. And one of the greatest tools someone gave us was an acronym: F.A.N.O.S. You’ll have to read the post to find out what each letter means but believe me when I tell you, FANOS is a really helpful tool to aid you in the conversations between you and your husband or wife. It will help you learn how to talk with your spouse about your addiction without things getting weird, awkward, or combative.
  1. BLAST: A Guide To Understanding Your Triggers—  One of the greatest skills you can learn in recovery is being able to understand what your triggers are. Why do you act out the way that you do? B.L.A.S.T. is a guide for beginning to understand some of the most fundamental reasons for why we act out. Unless we understand what kind of feelings and emotions lead us to viewing pornography or masturbating, we’ll repeat the same behavior over and over again. You must become a student of your heart — learning what your heart is craving and and it’s need to be healthy. Very similar to FANOS, use this acronym frequently to try and understand what is really going inside.
  1. How Practicing Gratitude Can Change Your Brain Pt.1— The last post I would highly recommend reading is one of the most recent ones on the SGO blog: Learning how cultivating gratitude can literally transform your brain to help you think differently. Before you think I’m crazy, there’s actual science to back this up. Within this article, I share some very interesting findings about the brain, but here’s the point: The very chemicals in your brain that were released through repeated exposures to pornography can also be delivered through simple acts of giving thanks. Practicing gratitude. And it can CHANGE your brain.

I believe this is some of the best content posted on SGO from 2021. There’s so much more you could go back and read, but I hope that you’ll consider taking some of these recovery lessons and implementing them in your life in this new year. You won’t regret it.

You also won’t regret checking out Small Groups Online. SGO offers a very unique and intimate opportunity for community with other men and women who struggle with pornography and other forms of sexually compulsive behaviors. Imagine finding a group of men or women just like yourself who want more than what they’re currently experiencing. They want their lives back. They want hope. They want freedom. Community is one of the greatest ways to find these things so check out Small Groups Online today to get started on your journey!

How Practicing Gratitude Can Change Your Brain Pt.2

avatarBy Frank Honess

Last month, I talked about the specific ways in which cultivating and expressing gratitude can literally change your brain. More specifically, your brain can actually be transformed in terms of your thinking and processing complex emotions and feelings.

The late Dr. Mark Laaser has said that research has found that the brain is for all intensive purposes, “plastic”. The impact upon one’s brain from years of addiction and compulsive sexual behavior CAN be reversed. The brain can heal. Meaning this: You are NOT trapped in the same thinking and behaving you’ve always had. You can become different.

This month, I want to pivot the direction a little bit in terms of gratitude. As a man who’s been in recovery for 12 years, I’ve been afforded many incredible opportunities and resources over the years. All of which really aided me in maximizing the success of my recovery long-term. In virtually every conversation I have with a man walking through addiction, I make sure to talk about each one of these.

As I reflect back on my journey, I am grateful I experienced the following opportunities. In fact, they were so much more than opportunities. They were gifts given to me out of a genuine desire to see my life restored to what God intended it to be. I wanted to highlight a few:

  1. Counseling — I think as we’re living in a culture that is still navigating through Covid and other social anxieties, counseling may look a little different than it did 12 years ago, but there’s no doubt there’s still incredible value to having the opportunity to sit with a licensed therapist who is trained in being able to help sex addicts. Christian counselors who are trained in sexual addiction therapy are able to offer a wonderful blend of guidance from the truths of Scripture while also asking specific questions that help point to the “why” behind the addiction. I’m so thankful I was able to sit with a counselor for a season in my journey. Something to be mindful of: Counseling can be expensive, but overall I’ve found it to be worth the investment in my life.
  2. Groups — There are very few opportunities so unique and special as the group setting. Recovery groups, support group, even today Zoom groups offer the ability to form healthy community with other men or women who are struggling in very similar ways as you are. For me, this was perhaps the greatest opportunity I was afforded in my recovery journey. Every week, I looked forward to meeting with other brothers who wanted to get healthy in the same ways I was. I soon began to believe the reality that I couldn’t get healthy on my own. I NEEDED other people in my life whether I realized it or not. An even deeper truth that one is able to uncover within the group setting is understanding how much others are depending on you. In other words, you recovery isn’t just meant for you. You’re not apart of a group just for yourself. Other men need to hear about the hope, redemption, and health you have found too.
  3. Intensives — Another very beneficial opportunity in recovery is attending a weekend or week long intensive. An intensive often involves a great blend of teaching from a trained or incensed therapist, group sessions, and individual work that can be done with much more time afforded over the course 3-4 days. Intensives can be done with just a few people and range in size. I’ve been blessed to be apart of workshops that involved close to 20 men or more even. The amount of information, individual and group therapy you receive is so valuable. Even as the world still deals with Covid, many ministries and organizations are going online to offer these intensives. As with counseling, there is often a cost required for these intensives, but as previously mentioned, opportunities like these are well worth it.

What do all these things have to do with the brain? For me, it was through these experiences in my life that I found freedom and healing. Through individuals helping me understand the “why” behind my behavior to times of group interaction where I found healthy community. Every bit of it helped me…and in turn, helped my brain re-wire.

I’m so grateful today that I was given so many life-changing opportunities to heal. I know that all of these things may be accessible to you all at once. And that’s ok. Just start with one. Do something healthy for your soul today.

Contact Small Groups Online today if you’re interested in starting the journey of knowing and being known by others who also struggle like you do. Each week, you’ll have the opportunity to jump into a Zoom meeting hosted by a trained group leader waiting to get to meet you. You’ll also be invited to download and join the Live Free app where further communication and discussions are available to you throughout the week.

How Practicing Gratitude Can Change Your Brain Pt.1

avatarBy Frank Honess

This month on the SGO blog, I want to begin a two part series on the power of gratitude in recovery.

Over the past 12 years in recovery, one of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten has come from my wife Tracey. Throughout our marriage, during times of great anxiety, fear, worry, and doubt, Tracey has encouraged me to “practice gratefulness”. Practicing gratefulness. You see, there’s something very powerful about adjusting the needle of your heart off of your fears and onto all that you’ve been given.

For me, as I’ve practiced gratefulness throughout the years, it’s helped me to find more contentment than ever! And I believe that could very well be the greatest goals to being grateful is the establishment of contentment & satisfaction in a person’s life.

For many years of my life, I felt deeply unwanted and I also lacked purpose. I had discovered pornography at around 12 or 13 and what began as simply a curiosity delved quickly into a nightly ritual of finding the latest and the greatest thrill that would give me a real sense of fulfillment and control. But unbeknownst to me at 12, porn would lead me on a 13 year cycle of guilt and shame with no end until around the age of 26.

I’m thankful today that I’ve had freedom for many years and experienced tremendous healing from the clutches of pornography. And while I don’t even remotely desire porn anymore, there are still many times I have to dig my heels in the ground to fight for contentment.

Until we realize all that we have and all that we have been given, we will struggle with giving thanks. We will always try to seek out the next thing, the next shiny new object, the next thrill to give us relief. In many ways, we may trade one addiction for another!

You may have not known this, but gratitude has the literal power to change the brain and create new neural pathways. Similarly to how our continual dependence upon porn created literal “ditches” in our brains is the same way that gratitude also has the ability to re-wire the brain.

Specifically, the brain releases powerful chemicals that can actually cause feelings of joy and pleasure:

“Emily Fletcher, the founder of Ziva, a well-known meditation training site, mentioned in one of her publications that gratitude as a ‘natural antidepressant’. The effects of gratitude, when practiced daily can be almost the same as medications. It produces a feeling of long-lasting happiness and contentment, the physiological basis of which lies at the neurotransmitter level. When we express gratitude and receive the same, our brain releases dopamine and serotonin, the two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for our emotions, and they make us feel ‘good’. They enhance our mood immediately, making us feel happy from the inside. By consciously practicing gratitude everyday, we can help these neural pathways to strengthen themselves and ultimately create a permanent grateful and positive nature within ourselves.” (The Neuroscience of Gratitude and How It Affects Anxiety & Grief, PositivePsychology.com, https://positivepsychology.com/neuroscience-of-gratitude/)

The very chemicals that were released through repeated exposures to pornography can also be delivered through simple acts of giving thanks. Practicing gratitude. And it can CHANGE your brain.

So we can see how positively impacted the brain is from practicing gratitude. But where does a person begin?

One simple exercise you might consider is saying out loud or journaling 3 things that you’re grateful for every single day. This could be done when you wake up or before bed and doesn’t have to take very long. It’s the genuine recognition of the good things in your life. EVERYONE has the ability to find something to be grateful for. So there you go. Crate a gratitude journal.

In the next post, we’ll zoom in a little bit and specifically look at the role that gratitude takes for a person who’s actively involved in pornography or in recovery from porn. But until then, give thanks for something in your life. It could even be the fact that you woke up with breath in your lungs. Remember, it’s oftentimes the small, seemingly insignificant things that have the ability to turn the ship around and help change your attitude.

Here’s something to be thankful for: Small Groups Online! An incredible online experience that matches you up with a group that meets weekly on Zoom, comprised of other men or women who share similar struggles as you do. With SGO, you’ll quickly find an incredible community of people who can encourage you on your journey to sexual freedom. Check out SGO today!

3 Ways to Forecast Success in Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

I think one of the most challenging and equally under-appreciated jobs of our day has to be that of a meteorologist. Think about it with me for a second: These men and women devote their lives to studying weather patterns so that they can predict if it will be sunny or rainy on a particular day. They can be highly criticized when they make mistakes and barely noticed when they’re spot on.

What makes one meteorologist better than the other? How does he stand out from the crowd? I think there are a couple factors to consider:

  1. A great meteorologist never stops studying the weather.
  2. A great meteorologist is someone who’s been around a long time.

Commitment and experience. Focus and longevity. They never stop learning.

In the same way meteorologists work hard to predict the weather, we as men and women in recovery have the ability to forecast success in the journeys that we’re on too! We don’t have to struggle endlessly in our journey to become free.

No journey is perfect. There are plenty of slips, setbacks, even relapses along the way. But if we’re serious about what we’re trying to do, we can experience freedom and healing in our lives that we’ve never known before. And a huge part of what that looks like is understanding what makes us tick from day to day. What do I mean by that?

Forecasting success in recovery means being aware of the people, places, and things that can lead us into temptation and struggle. There are internal triggers and external triggers that we have to learn to understand how process in a healthy way. Understanding the people, places, and things that pull you down an unhealthy road would mostly fall into the external trigger category.

Take an inventory of your own life to see what areas you might be missing. Here are some areas to consider as you forecast success in your recovery:

1. PEOPLE – Ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, co-workers of the opposite sex (or same sex), strangers on social media. This is easier to do with some than with others. Perhaps this was a person you grew up with or a family member you regularly see. Maybe there was some sort of trauma or abuse that took place when you were young. Should you disown this person and simply avoid them? Perhaps. But make sure you get professional guidance and help from a trained therapist on how to go about healing in the area of triggering people. One thing is for sure: We cannot hide in caves and bury our heads in the sand trying to avoid anyone who makes us feel uncomfortable. Action Step: If there is a person you are continually triggered by, limit or even discontinue communication with them. Work to fill your life with safe, healthy people who you can grow with.

2. PLACES – This can be anything from a particular location you pass on the way to work to the room in the house that has internet access and a door you can shut. Make it a point to take a new route to work and never isolate yourself from people. I’ve met so many men over the past year that due to COVID have had to work from home. Certainly, for many this isn’t an option. But it also presents with it some challenges for the man who’s already used to hiding in secrecy over his porn addiction. Now, he has to be working 8-10 hours alone at home. It could be a place other than your home that’s really triggering. In that case, the best response is simply to avoid going there. Action Step:  If you find yourself having to work from home for long periods of time, get outside as much as you can. Taking walks, runs, and getting fresh air is some of the greatest steps you can take to refresh your body and your mind.

3. THINGS – This one is the hardest! Triggers are unique to every individual. Some people have more than others. Some have less, but they are equally as powerful. Triggers can manifest in many different ways. A memory, a thought, a word someone speaks, even a smell can contribute to a spiral downward if we’re not careful. Because a trigger can come from almost anywhere it’s important to remember you’re not going to catch every one. Every day, we’re presented with opportunities to grow masquerading themselves as temptations and triggers. In those moments, we have the choice to find a healthy outlet in the midst of our pain.  Self inventory tools like BLAST are a great place to start! BLAST stands for bored/burnt out, lonely, angry, apathetic, afraid, ashamed, abandoned, sad, stressed, selfish, and tired. This acronym will help you put into words what you’re feeling in the moment. Action Step: Perhaps the greatest thing you can do when you feel the pull to look at pornography or act out is to call someone safe, a healthy support person. 

Don’t get caught off guard in your pursuit for sexual purity! Learning yourself, your limits, and your boundaries will help you stay one step ahead on your recovery journey!

Another great place to forecast success is in the company of other men who are on the same journey you are. Small Groups Online makes this opportunity super easy and accessible. If you’re trying to find success on your own, you’re going to get stuck. We were meant to live in community! Check out SGO today for more details on how to get started!

The Single Greatest Reason You Will Fail In Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

That sounds hopeful, doesn’t it?

Picture this with me: What if there was something more detrimental to a person in recovery than a relapse into their sexually compulsive behavior? Believe it or not, there is.

What if I told you that long-lasting freedom from porn addiction doesn’t only hinge on abstaining from watching anymore porn? Sure, this helps break a pattern of addiction, but it’s not number one on the list.

Are you ready for it?

The single greatest reason a person will fail in recovery from a sexual addiction is their unwillingness to know and be known by others in healthy accountability relationships.

Simply put: Recovery cannot become a solo act. Once it does, your chances of becoming a man or woman of sexual integrity instantly disappear. I know, I’m really riding the hope train today! But it’s the truth. Your recovery journey is one that is meant to be shared with others who also struggle the same way you do. There is so much power in knowing and being known by others who are also walking this path!

Here’s something I often need to remind myself: Whether or not I realize I need people in my life, the truth is that I need them. I’m not even the most social person either. I prefer small groups, quiet moments, and experiences that don’t involve a lot of people. But as it relates especially to my relationship with the Lord and my recovery journey, I cannot grow in isolation.

Think with me for a moment about the physical body: God created the body to include everything it needed on the inside and outside to function — two eyes, two ears, two feet, etc. But also for the inside to function correctly with the outside — without the brain, we cannot make complex decisions. Without lungs, we cannot effectively breathe and move. It all was designed to work together. You see my point.

But somehow we don’t think that applies to our own lives as it relates to our own addictions & behaviors. We depend upon others for so many reasons. When it comes to our recovery, we live as remote islands.

​I remember especially in the early part of my recovery — it wasn’t a matter of IF I was going to slip, but WHEN. The reality is that slips and relapses happen even in recovery. I needed healthy people in my life not just to confess what I had done but to hear THEIR stories too! So that I didn’t think I was the problem and I was weird for messing up.

Accountability reminds us that we’re not alone.

Accountability requires you to invite feedback, correction, discipline, and confrontation into your life. It invites others to see the real you and step in when they see an issue that could be harmful for your life. They have complete access because you’re unwilling to hide anything.

I believe there a couple reasons why many individuals don’t seek out healthy accountability for their lives:

  1. SHAME — If you’ve been in recovery for any length of time, I’m sure you understand that one of your greatest enemies to progress is shame. Shame causes us to hide, to bury, & to isolate from people who love us and care for us. I believe this to be the number one reason why so many don’t find long-lasting success in recovery. If the enemy can convince you that you’re worthless and you will never change, why seek help from anyone? That’s what shame does.
  2. PROCRASTINATION — “I’ll call ***** tomorrow.” “I’ll meet with ***** next week.” The constant pushing off what should take priority gets replaced by other demands in our lives. We allow our schedules to dictate us instead of being the ones who dictate our schedules. When you don’t make something as important as your recovery journey, don’t be surprised at the level of your struggle. Establishing safe, healthy accountability sources takes work. It takes time. And it’s worth every second. Stop putting it off.

This certainly isn’t an exhaustive list of why people avoid accountability in their lives, but I believe these are two of the greatest reasons.

Looking back upon the last 12 years in my recovery journey, I will NEVER regret all the meetings, phone calls, text messages, groups, workshops, and other points of contact I made with people who cared about my heart. The value that all these interactions carried in my life were beyond words. Granted, at the end of the day, my recovery journey is totally my responsibility. If I wanted to, I could fall back into my former lifestyle at any moment. But that’s just it: I don’t want it anymore. And I haven’t for a long time.

While I own all of the decisions I’ve made on this journey, much of the credit for the success I’ve attained goes to those I invited into my life. The counselors, pastors, friends, and yes even my wife (most importantly) who knew they could challenge me and ask me the tough questions because they loved me. I’m so thankful for all of them! They are the people who helped me become the person I am today.

If you’re unsure how to find those kind of life giving relationships, Small Groups Online is the perfect place to begin! SGO helps you to find a weekly, online Zoom group where you will meet with others who share many of the same struggles you do. There are many days and times to choose from so finding a group to fit your schedule is really easy.

If you’re trying to do recovery on your own, you’re doing it the wrong way. Do it the right way by signing up for Small Groups Online today.

4 Ways to Help You Deal with Sexual Dreams

avatarBy Frank Honess

One of the comparisons I’ve often used to describe pornography addiction is that of a wrecking ball. Our infatuation with what we see on our computer screens and smartphones many times leads to a life demolished by the unhealthy effects pornography has upon our relationships, our careers, even our very own brains. It truly is like a wrecking ball, tearing through every thing it comes in contact with.

So it begs the question, if we’re constantly exposing ourselves to sources of sexual explicit material on a daily basis, what is happening underneath the surface in our hearts and our minds? Going even further, how do we process all of this during our times of sleep?

I’ve had many conversations with men over the years who’ve been addicted to pornography and as a result also deal with pornographic dreams at night. Now, the reality is that there are probably many reasons a person experiences sexual dreams or “wet dreams” at night. Unfortunately, there really isn’t a ton of research that has been done on the subject. But I believe one of the greatest reasons we experience sexual dreams is linked to our compulsive behavior during the hours we are awake.

For me, sexual dreams occurred much more frequently in the earlier half of my recovery than they do now. I would literally spend hours, especially in the evenings, watching porn online before going to sleep. This was a pattern that continued for years. I believe this has a way of really working itself into a person’s subconscious.

And while sexual dreams aren’t something we choose, they do have the potential to bring a ton of shame and discouragement. We’re trying to become free from these unwanted sexual behaviors, not dream about them! Thankfully, today I don’t have these kind of dreams much anymore. Every so often something random will come up and I’ll wake up from one of these dreams. But I know that I have freedom from pornography, I’ve experienced much healing over the years, and porn isn’t something I desire anymore.

Even so, a major truth we need to be reminded of is that the brain also needs time to heal. And this is a process that generally takes a while.

Consider a person who experiences some kind of traumatic brain injury. Maybe from a car accident or a stroke of some kind. This is an incredible injury to one of the body’s most critical areas. Unfortunately, for some, it can take years or even a lifetime to recover. Those kinds of situations present a real physical damage to the brain. In similar ways, because we’ve viewed so many images, videos, and scenarios of hardcore pornography, our brains have been traumatized by what we’ve seen. But thankfully, the brain can recover and heal. Dr. Mark Laaser once said, that the brain is “plastic”, meaning that it while it can be shaped and influenced by negative sources, it can also heal and regenerate new neural pathways.

The point is this: There is hope. You aren’t stuck. Your heart and even your brain can be restored to health again. I believe that sexual dreams, while they are unwanted, are normal and apart of the process of healing. Just as setbacks and slips are apart of the journey, sexual dreams are too. We just have to learn how to respond when an unwanted sexual dream occurs. They can bring additional guilt and shame, but we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over them either.

Our time of sleep and rest should be to RESET our brains and our bodies. It should be rest-FULL, not rest-LESS. Rest is for RESTORATION.

So what can we do if we’re experiencing sexual dreams? Here are some ideas to help…

  1. Get 7-8 hours of sleep each night — C’mon, we all probably know the 8 hour rule. But how often to we get consistent, solid sleep? 8 hours of sleep is my goal, but I try not to get less than 7 hours. Anything less than that and I don’t believe the body and mind can really rest the way it was meant to. Turn Netflix off, have someone hide your phone in another room, put away the Oreos and get to bed on time!
  2. End your night with prayer, Scripture, & worship — The GREATEST rest that I’ve ever gotten has come when I’m in that 7-8 hour range AND I’ve spent time with the Lord before bed. You don’t have to pray for hours or read tons of chapters, but what if each night you had a meaningful connection with Jesus before closed out your day? Turn on Spotify and fall asleep to some worship music. Let God’s Word and some great lyrics get into your soul as you close your eyes. Do some deep breathing exercises to relax your body.
  3. Consider exercising — This might seem like a strange one right before bed, but I’ve found a quick walk or run helps to actually relax my body and prepare it for rest. And it certainly releases lots of great brain chemicals like dopamine and others. Give it a shot.
  4. Don’t eat junk food before bed — This is a big one for many of us. It’s so easy to sneak an Oreo or two…or ten right before bed. This really can have a negative effect on your body and not allow it to rest properly. As well as put a few more pounds on you if you’re not careful. Try drinking lots of water to stay hydrated throughout the day, but also before resting. 

How do we prevent sexual dreams? In all reality, I don’t think we can. But I do think we can limit them. If you’re walking in recovery right now and putting in practice the things you need to be doing (the heart work, being in a support group, spending time with a counselor, etc.) you’re on the right track! The tips above are simply additional things to help you rest well and hopefully avoid sexual fantasy in the dream state.

If you do continue to have sexual dreams, you can choose how to respond to them! We don’t have to allow those fantasies to plague us the rest of the day or carry shame in our hearts. We can choose to surrender every thought to God and even every dream we have too.

I love what 2 Corinthians 10:5 says in the Passion translation: “We can demolish every deceptive fantasy that opposes God and break through every arrogant attitude that is raised up in defiance of the true knowledge of God. We capture, like prisoners of war, every thought and insist that it bow in obedience to the Anointed One.”

Capture your thoughts. Capture your dreams. Don’t allow them to capture you and hold you hostage. Remember you are in process. Your heart, your mind, and your life. Be kind to yourself and be patient through the journey. If you haven’t realized it by now, hopefully you will realize it has the potential to be the most beautiful journey you will ever walk through.

BLAST: A Guide To Understanding Your Triggers

avatarBy Frank Honess

In all my conversations with men about recovery, one of the questions I ask most often is this: “Do you know what leads you to look at pornography?” And based on the look they would give me, you would think I had three heads! In general, most of the men I’ve worked with over the last several years just don’t have a clue.

Unless we understand what kind of feelings and emotions lead us to act out, we’ll repeat the same behavior over and over again. That’s a fact. For me, it took a while to figure out. But as I looked back over the 13 years that I was addicted to pornography, I observed the patterns I would go through and examine what I was feeling in those years: loneliness, disappointment, stress, rejection, feeling disrespected from people. And I hadn’t even scraped the surface.

Men either discover porn or are exposed to it in all kinds of ways. But what are the triggers that lead us back to the well time and time again? Understanding your triggers is invaluable information that can help you find healing, growth, and ultimately the freedom you so desperately long for.

As a sort of “purity coach” to men and small group leader for many years, I’ve found many beneficial tools alongs the way for helping us understand our internal world. But one of the most useful and practical tools is an acronym called BLAST, which stands for the following:

B: Bored or Burnt Out

L: Lonely

A: Angry, Apathetic, Afraid, Ashamed, or Abandoned

S: Sad, Stressed or Selfish

T: Tired

Each letter contains very accurate words to describe many of the common triggers a man or woman may experience before acting out. It certainly isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a great start to understanding the feelings and emotions you’re experiencing during times you feel tempted.

Triggers can thoughts, feelings, or emotions, but they can also be external environmental factors you haven’t considered. Triggers are unique to the individual. So in that way, they can be virtually anything: a memory, a smell, a person, a location. You get the idea.

What’s important is that you understand what they are and you have a plan on how to deal with them in a healthy way. It’s time to get a game plan! I want to suggest a few ways you can better understand what your most common triggers are:

  1. Retrace Your Steps — Be a detective. Think about the last few times you looked at porn. On average, what were you feeling in those moments? Be specific. Had you just come off of a really busy day at work? Did you and your spouse just have an argument? Or perhaps it was something as simple as not having a whole lot to do that day. Identify what’s going on both on the inside and the outside.
  2. Journal What You Learn — Journaling is an incredible healthy discipline to practice for anyone, but especially for the person in recovery. When you start to discover what your triggers are, they are worthy to be remembered. You don’t want to forget the tings that tend to lead you down unhealthy paths. It’s valuable information! Plus, as you hopefully progress in your recovery, you will want to add to entries like this. Make it your goal to become as self-aware as possible.
  3. Plan For The Future — I regret that I didn’t learn my triggers earlier in my struggles with pornography. As a teenager, learning your triggers isn’t really something you’re thinking about. But I knew I wanted to be free of this stuff. I also tended to veer towards isolation and avoiding solid friendships. So once you know what trips you up, plan for the next time. The question isn’t if you are triggered again, the question is how you will be triggered. And understanding what you can do about is really important.

Here’s some ideas:

  • When you feel bored, offer to help a friend with a project.
  • When you feel lonely, call up some friends to go bowling.
  • When you feel angry, take a few deep breaths.
  • When you feel ashamed, read Romans 8:1 (and read more after that)
  • When you feel stressed, go take a walk or run.
  • When you feel sad, turn on some great worship music.
  • When you feel tired, go to SLEEP! (sleep is great for the brain)

Remember these truths: You aren’t helpless. You aren’t controlled by pornography. You’re in control of what you give your heart to. You must also become a student of your heart — learning what your heart is craving and it needs to be healthy. We’re all on a journey of learning (or perhaps re-learning) who we  really are. The more we do this, the more victory we will find in avoiding the well worn paths our addictions have taken us down for so long.

The Value of Coaching in Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

I never played a lot of sports when I was younger, but I did wrestle a couple years in high school. The level of physicality and endurance needed in wrestling is out of this world. I actually believe it could be the toughest sports in existence. Unfortunately, I started too late in high school and didn’t win a ton of matches. I wish I had started learning when I was much younger.

Looking back now upon my season wrestling, there are many memories I have. But one of the greatest memories will always be the quality and solidarity of the coaching involved. I don’t keep in touch with them today, but I remember my coaches names: Matt and Rodney. Matt was younger and a little more easy going, but still tough. Rodney was…there’s really no other way to say, he was hard. I think he may have had the personality of a bull dog! But something I will always remember about Rodney: He always noticed if you were giving 100% OR if you were giving anything less than that.

In athletics, coaching is critical. Ultimately, it comes down to the performance of the individual athlete. But without someone who is willing to teach you, come alongside you, and stand in your corner, I firmly believe a person has no chance at excelling. Whether it be in sports, in life, or even in recovery.

I’ve talked and written before about the power of having safe, healthy people in your life who you can be honest with about your recovery. If you’re currently doing those things already, way to go! But I think we’re living in a time now more than ever that the need is arising for a different form of support: One that is intentional, consistent, and focused.

We need more coaches in recovery. Those who have walked through addiction, found freedom, and continue to find deeper levels of healing in their own lives. And because of those things, they are willing to pass down what they’ve learned to the next guy. And at the end of the day, they’re standing in the corner, cheering that guy on no matter where he’s at.

I believe our recovery is lived out in seasons. What do I mean by this? As I reflect on my earliest days in recovery, I was blessed to be able to sit with a specialized therapist who was specifically trained in helping individuals dealing with sexual addiction. I probably spend several months off and on with this particular counselor, but it was one of the best seasons to help me understand what sexual addiction was and who I was in the midst of it.

Next came a season that I’ve always felt was the most special time for me personally: Being apart of a support group. Sitting in the same room with other men who also were addicted to pornography and other forms of sexually compulsive behavior.  Sharing my story and listening to other’s stories was beyond powerful. It was life-changing. I feel like I grew significantly in that season. So much so that I fell in love with helping other men the same I was felt helped and supported.

Today, I’m in a totally different season. I’m free from porn addiction and have experienced an incredible amount of healing. I feel like my role has shifted in many ways from one of receiving to one of giving. For years I’ve tried to help other men through the means of technology. Producing content like podcasts, videos, and blogs to help equip them on their journey.

I feel like the Lord has called me to be a coach. More accurately, a purity coach. One who helps other men give specific focus to their hearts and what’s going on inside. Even writing that sentence feels a bit strange because I know how wild and untamed my own heart can still be at times. I’m still in need of coaches for my life today, who will come alongside of me to both encourage and challenge me when I need it. I’m grateful that I can think of at least 3-4 men who I would consider to be a coach.

If you’re desiring to recruit some coaches in your life, it doesn’t have to be hard. Again, I always encourage people to find SAFE and HEALTHY individuals that are willing to walk with them through their journey. This is a starting place, not an ending point. I do believe a coach is someone who also has experience and qualifications in a particular field. So it may take you some time to find someone you would call a coach, but don’t give up!

Here are a few places you could check out to get started in finding a coach:

  1. Church — There are often many ministries within a community of faith that are trying to help individuals and families grow in their relationship with God. You may even want to start with your very own church to see if there are older, seasoned believers who would make great coaches. Talk to your pastor about the people in your church. Some churches have pastoral counselors available as well.
  2. Counseling — Search for solid, Christian counseling in your area with therapists who are certified in sexual addiction therapy. Counseling can be expensive, but it may also be a great option to try for 2-3 months to help get some expert guidance in your life. Sometimes, counselors can make incredible coaches, even for a season of time.
  3. Online — This will require some extra work as you want to make sure you’re researching someone credible and knows what they’re talking about. Look for more than just a profile. Look for a website and testimonials about the individuals you find.

Over the last year, Zoom became one of the most visited and highly utilized video conferencing services because of all the shut-downs and closures between school, work, and many gatherings the required you being in the same room as the other person. Many counselors and coaches today will offer Zoom sessions in place of in-person meetings. Many individuals have found this to actually be a much more comfortable and much more private environment.

Are you in need of a coach for your life? Someone who can help you walk through some kind of sexually compulsive behavior? I would love to be able to be of service! Please visit our ministry, Purity For Life, by going to pflhome.com. Drop us a message through the Contact section of the website and we’ll be sure to get back to you.

Perhaps you’re also looking for more community in your life. Small Groups Online offers an incredible online group experience through weekly Zoom meetings with other individuals who share and can empathize with your struggles. It’s one of the best (if not, the best) ways to get yourself out of isolation and into community with others who will encourage you and walk with you. Check out SGO today!