Give Yourself the Grace You Deserve

avatarBy Frank Honess

Recently, my wife & I were sitting with someone and in the midst of our conversation, this person mentioned two very significant words that my heart latched onto: grace platform. In fact, this person seemed to underscore the incredible importance of building our lives upon a grace platform as we’re walking through a season of grief and loss.

In last month’s post, I shared that on September 11th, we tragically and unexpectantly lost my mom to suicide. It was an event that has impacted my life forever and one that I had no blueprint for. How does someone walk through losing a parent…let alone losing them to suicide?

Tracey & I recently began walking with a counselor for help in understanding how to grieve well. We’ve been blessed to have many people come around us and it was in a recent session that I heard these words “grace platform” spoken to us.

What does this even mean? What does it mean to live my life upon a grace platform? A few summarizing thoughts:

  • It means being kind to your soul in the midst of struggle, pain, or loss.
  • It means rejecting any kind of language that contains the word “should” or “shouldn’t” (i.e. “I shouldn’t be feeling the way I’m feeling or thinking the way I’m thinking”).
  • It means allowing yourself to not only feel what hurts, but lean into those feelings to gain perspective.
  • It means accepting the reality of what IS, not what you think it should be (see, there’s that word again!)

I can’t emphasize enough the power of living upon a grace platform. I’ve found myself over the years learning this for myself and encouraging the men I’ve worked with to do the same. In addiction recovery, the reality is that you ARE going to be triggered, tempted, and walk through moments of struggle. While it’s not healthy to give ourself a pass and do whatever we want, we have to also be kind to our hearts. There is tension when there is transformation because oftentimes it isn’t instantaneous – it’s progressive. This is where grace needs to be applied.

In our current cultural climate, grace is something that is neither easily given or received. If you don’t believe me, just hop over to Twitter for 5 minutes and you’ll see what I mean. That’s a whole other post entirely. We’re not talking specifically this month about giving grace to others. But more so learning to give yourself grace, especially when you walk through something painful.

As we’ve walked through our process of grieving, one of the key passages that has brought us both comfort and tension is found in 2 Corinthians 12:9:

“But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” (The Passion Translation)

Before this specific verse, Paul was writing about some kind of hinderance or struggle he was carrying in life. There’s no specific indication of what it was, but it surely seemed like it was something he wanted to live without. He begs God to remove it from him! And then comes God’s response in verse 9.

“My grace is ALWAYS more than enough for you…

…And my power finds it’s FULL expression through your WEAKNESS.”

From what we lack and feel most fragile in comes grace and power that overcomes it all.

The beautiful reality is this: God’s grace and power works more effectively in our weakness, not in our strength. Within in our brokenness, not in the appearance of having it all together. Within our surrender, not how tough we can portray ourselves.

So if the Lord is ready to give you grace, what’s stopping you from doing the same? Giving yourself the permission to receive His grace. I’ve found this to be incredibly helpful as my wife & I have been walking through grief.

You may be reading this and you’re not actually walking through some kind of loss right now. It’s ok, because all of this applies to your recovery as well. Those who go far in recovery realize the journey it actually is. The marathon. It can be filled with moments of growth, victory, & healing. But within that journey there’s also plenty of struggle. Slips. Relapses. Setbacks.

It requires MUCH grace from the Lord, from our spouses, and especially from ourselves.

Small Groups Online offers the kind of grace platform I’ve talked about in this post. Each week, you’ll be able to join others online in a safe, secure environment where you can be free to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. With NO judgement. Becoming apart of community is so vital for your journey.

This week, when expectations flood your mind of what should or what shouldn’t be in your life, give yourself the grace you deserve. Be kind to your heart. By all means, don’t take shortcuts to relieve your pain. But be authentic with yourself and others of what you’re thinking and feeling.

2 Reasons You Can’t Rush the Porn Addiction Recovery Process

avatarBy Frank Honess

In recent weeks, news about President Donald Trump contracting COVID-19 flooded the internet. For at least a day or two after his diagnosis and subsequent stay at Walter Reid medical center, there was at least some bi-partisan support in wishing the President a “full and speedy recovery.” I can’t tell you how many times I continued to see this phrase written from friends, family members, politicians, & even world leaders who know the President. A speedy recovery.

And while I completely understand the sentiment and the wish for a quick recovery of a potentially serious virus, I began thinking more and more about that phrase: “A speedy recovery.”

It’s amazing to me how many men who come out of addiction believe there’s some kind of fast track in recovery to get on. As if recovery is some kind of fast food drive-through lane. In all reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Recovery from compulsive sexual behavior is one of the most challenging and simultaneously one of the most rewarding journeys a person can ever be on in life.

But the truth a person must embrace about recovery is that it isn’t a quick process. Exposure to pornography and the way it impacts a person’s life is very significant! And so while healing from porn addiction is possible, it takes time for someone to become the person that God created them to be.

So why can’t a person coming out of a porn addiction simply abstain from sexually compulsive behavior and be ok?

I believe there are two important reasons for why we can’t rush the recovery process:

1. Your brain needs to re-wire.

Over the course of years, scientists have studied the brain and understand it more than ever. And research has proven how damaging the effects that pornography can have upon the brain. Each exposure releases dopamine and other chemicals from the reward center of the brain:

“Scientists have long known that sexual interest and performance can be increased simply by introducing something new—like a different sexual position, a toy, or a change of partner. [1]  That’s because the brain responds to new sexual stimuli by pumping out more and more dopamine, flooding the brain just like a drug would. [2]  And “new” is exactly what internet porn sites provide: an endless stream of fresh erotic images delivered at high speed, in vivid color, 24/7. Before consumers even start to get bored, they can always give themselves another dopamine boost just by clicking on something different, something more stimulating and hardcore than before. [3] In fact, porn consumption follows a very predictable pattern that’s eerily similar to drug use. Over time, excessive levels of “pleasure” chemicals cause the porn consumer’s brain to develop tolerance, just like the brain of a drug user. [4] In the same way that a junkie eventually requires more and more of a drug to get a buzz or even feel normal, regular porn consumers will end up turning to porn more often or seeking out more extreme versions—or both—to feel excited again. [5] And once the porn habit is established, quitting can even lead to withdrawal symptoms similar to drugs.” [6]

Because of the tolerance that takes place in the brain, repeated exposure to pornography creates neuro-pathways in the brain. Imagine ditches being dug in a field. A person must continue to find a more exciting, more exhilarating high than they found before. And so the brain is literally wired to view and experience sexual intimacy through the lens of hardcore pornography. Fortunately, scientists have also described the brain as “plastic”, meaning that it can be shaped and ultimately through healthy conditioning, it can re-wire to become a healthy brain.

Your brain is incredibly important in the healing process. And it bears repeating that the brain takes time to heal. Patterns of thinking and response that have been trained for years can often equally take the same amount of time (or longer) to go back to normal. Thankfully, there are many methods of helping your brain to heal, especially when you undergo moments where you feel triggered to look at pornography.

Let’s look at a second reason why the recovery process can’t be rushed:

2. Your heart needs to heal.

Pornography is quite literally traumatizing to the soul. You might think that’s extreme, but that’s exactly the kind of effect that it has upon our hearts. Pornography teaches children and teenagers that sexual intimacy looks and feels a certain way when nothing could be further from the truth. It warps how a person views the opposite sex and teaches them that people are simply objects to be used, not actual God-created lives to be treasured.

Not only does pornography affect how we interact with others, but we use it to medicate our deepest pain. Because we don’t know what to do with feelings like anger, fear, & loneliness (plus a host of others), we attempt to run to someone who will treat us the way we think we deserve. Someone who won’t reject us. Someone who won’t stress us out. Someone who will accept us no matter what.

Pornography is filled with lies. One of the greatest lies that that you can enjoy the immediate gratification of thousands of virtual sex partners and long-term satisfaction of a real relationship. “But even if your partner has no problem with porn, it can still damage your relationship. Studies have clearly shown that porn erodes a person’s ability to love and feel loved with a real partner. [7] When men are exposed to porn, they rate themselves as less in love with their actual partners, [8] and less satisfied with their relationships and sex lives. [9] They become more critical and dissatisfied with their partner’s appearance, sexual performance, sexual curiosity, and displays of affection. [10] ”

Do you see how much the heart is impacted by porn addiction? Do you see the effects it can have upon the brain? It’s no wonder that we must give our recovery the time it needs and not try to rush the process. Some have said that our recovery journey takes blood, sweat, and tears if we want to see long-term success.

But there’s good news! You don’t have to walk through recovery alone. Small Groups Online helps men find community with other men who are also walking through the same struggles involving pornography addiction, masturbation, & any other sexually compulsive behavior. Each week, you’ll have the opportunity to meet online with a group of men who can help encourage and support you on your journey.

Citations

1. Dewsbury, D. A., (1981). Effects of novelty of copulatory behavior: The Coolidge effect and related phenomena. Psychological Bulletin, 89(3), 464-482. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.89.3.464; Wilson, J. R., Kuehn, R. E., and Beach, F. A. (1963). Modification in the sexual behavior of male rats produced by changing the stimulus female. Journal of Comparative and Physiological Psychology, 56, 636-644. doi:10.1037/h0042469

2. Negash, S., Van Ness Sheppard, N., Lambert, N. M., & Fincham, F. D. (2016). Trading Later Rewards for Current Pleasure: Pornography Consumption and Delay Discounting. The Journal of Sex Research, 53(6), 698-700. doi:10.1080/00224499.2015.1025123; Banca, P., et al. (2016). Novelty, conditioning, and attentional bias to sexual rewards. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 72, 91-101. doi:10.1016/j.jpsychires.2015.10.017

3. Park, B. Y., et al. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports. Behavioral Sciences, 6: 17. doi.10.3390/bs6030017; Negash, S., Van Ness Sheppard, N., Lambert, N. M., & Fincham, F. D. (2016). Trading Later Rewards for Current Pleasure: Pornography Consumption and Delay Discounting. The Journal of Sex Research, 53(6), 698-700. doi:10.1080/00224499.2015.1025123

4. Pitchers, K. K., et al. (2013). Natural and Drug Rewards Act on Common Neural Plasticity Mechanisms with DeltaFosB as a Key Mediator. Journal of Neuroscience, 33(8), 3434-3442. doi:10.1523/JNEUROSCI.4881-12.2013; Angres, D. H., & Bettinardi-Angres, K. (2008). The Disease of Addiction: Origins, Treatment, and Recovery. Disease-a-Month 54, 696–721. doi:10.1016/j.disamonth.2008.07.002; Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself. New York: Penguin Books; Paul, P. (105). Paul, P. (2007). Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families. New York: Henry Hold and Co. (75).

5. Banca, P., et al. (2016). Novelty, conditioning, and attentional bias to sexual rewards. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 72, 91-101. doi:10.1016/j.jpsychires.2015.10.017; Zillmann, D. (2000). Influence of Unrestrained Access to Erotica on Adolescents’ and Young Adults’ Dispositions Toward Sexuality. Journal of Adolescent Health, 27(2), 41–44. doi:10.1016/S1054-139X(00)00137-3

6. Angres, D. H., & Bettinardi-Angres, K. (2008). The Disease of Addiction: Origins, Treatment, and Recovery. Disease-a-Month, 54, 696–721. doi:10.1016/j.disamonth.2008.07.002; Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself. (106-107) New York: Penguin Books; Berridge, K. C., & Robinson, T. E. (2002). The Mind of an Addicted Brain: Neural Sensitization of Wanting Versus Liking. In J. T. Cacioppo, et al. (Eds.) Foundations in Social Neuroscience . Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press. (565–72).

7. Park, B. Y., et al. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports. Behavioral Sciences, 6, 17. doi:10.3390/bs6030017; Voon, V., et al. (2014). Neural Correlates of Sexual Cue Reactivity in Individuals with and without Compulsive Sexual Behaviors, PLoS ONE, 9(7), e102419. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0102419; Kalman, T. P., (2008). Clinical Encounters with Internet Pornography, Journal of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry, 36(4), 593-618. doi:10.1521/jaap.2008.36.4.593; Henline, B. H., Lamke, L. K., & Howard, M. D. (2007). Exploring perceptions of online infidelity. Personal Relationships, 14, 113-128. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2006.00144.x; Stack, S., Wasserman, I., & Kern, R. (2004). Adult social bonds and the use of Internet pornography. Social Science Quarterly, 85, 75-88. doi:10.1111/j.0038-4941.2004.08501006.x; Schneider, J. P. (2000). Effects of cybersex addiction on the family: Results of a survey. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 7, 31-58. doi:10.1080/10720160008400206[9]

8. Bridges, A. J. (2010). Pornography’s Effect on Interpersonal Relationships. In Stoner, J. & Hughes, D. (Eds.), The Social Cost of Pornography: A Collection of Papers (pp. 89-110). Princeton, NJ: Witherspoon Institute; Kendrick, D., Gutierres, S., & Goldberg, L. (1989). Influence of popular erotica on judgments of strangers and mates. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 25, 159-167. doi:10.1016/0022-1031(89)90010-3

9. Perry, S. L. (2017) Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence from Longitudinal Data. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 549-559. doi: 10.1007/s10508-016-0770-y; Wery, A., & Billieux, J. (2016). Online sexual activities: An exploratory study of problematic and non-problematic usage patterns in a sample of men. Computers in Human Behavior, 56, 257-266. doi:10.1016/j.chb.2015.11.046; Minarcik, J., Wetterneck, C. T., & Short, M. B. (2016). The effects of sexually explicit material use on romantic relationship dynamics. Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 5(4) 700-707. doi: 10.1556/2006.5.2016.078; Poulsen, F. O., Busby, D. M., & Galovan, A. M. (2013). Pornography use: who uses it and how it is associated with couple outcomes. Journal of Sex Research 50(1), 72-83. doi:10.1080/00224499.2011.648027; Morgan, E. M. (2011). Associations between Young Adults’ Use of Sexually Explicit Materials and Their Sexual Preferences, Behaviors, and Satisfaction. Journal of Sex Research, 48(6), 520-530. doi:10.1080/00224499.2010.543960; Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Alone or Together: Associations with Relationship Quality. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 441-448. doi:10.1007/s10508-009-9585-4; Yucel, D. & Gassanov, M. A. (2010). Exploring actor and partner correlates of sexual satisfaction among married couples. Social Science Research, 39(5), 725-738. doi:10.1016/j.ssresearch.2009.09.002

10. Zillmann, D. and Bryant, J. (1988). Pornography’s Impact on Sexual Satisfaction. Journal of Applied Social Psychology 18, 5: 438–53. doi:10.1111/j.1559-1816.1988.tb00027.x