The Greatest Recovery Lessons From 2021

avatarBy Frank Honess

Happy New Year!!!

I (Frank) and everyone at Small Groups Online pray that you’ve had a wonderful start to 2022. I’m really excited for all God has for us in this new year! There will be so much more great content coming on the blog this year and we’re thankful to have the opportunity to encourage you and equip you on your journey.

As this is technically the “last” post for 2021, I wanted to highlight some of my favorite posts from this last year and the lessons contained within them. A lot of words have been written and you have may not caught each month’s post. So we wanted to share what I believe to be the best of the best from 2021. It’s that time of year where everyone shares their “best of the best” content, so I figured, why not do it here too? 🙂

You’ll notice in this post I’ve listed my top 6 favorite posts with the main point of the article and some extra commentary as well. I would encourage you to read all of the articles in full as time allows.

Here are six of my favorite recovery posts from 2021:

  1. What Do You Want From Your Recovery In 2021?— I love starting every new year with having a conversation about the importance of vision in a person’s life. Charting out where you want to go in the coming months and most importantly WHO you want to become is so crucial and critical in recovery. So in this post, I asked the question that if there were an area you could get better in or become strengthened in, what would it be? I give four very important areas to look at in recovery. Don’t worry, I won’t spoil them here. But here is the main point: Once you stop learning, you stop growing. It’s so important to never forget that truth. The day I decide to kick back and think to myself that I know all there is to know about my recovery, I’ve harmed myself in a way like none other. Never stop hungering for growth your life, for improvement, and for health. There’s always some way we can get better. Thankfully, you don’t have to do it on your own. Which leads us to the next best recovery lesson from 2021…
  1. 4 Vital Sources of Community You Can Find Today — Hopefully you’ve come to this realization by now, but recovery cannot be done alone. In order to find long-term success on your journey, there’s much work to be done! But here’s what you need to know: You are not alone in your recovery. There are so many sources of support and community available to you. But YOU must be the one to want it and find it. In this article, I share four vital sources of community that you can find today. Community is literally one phone call, one email, one message away. It’s not hard to find. Small Groups Online offers incredible opportunities for you to meet with other men and women who share the struggles that you do. I’ve said this many times, but I’ve counted my months and years in a support group to be one of the greatest things I could have done to find freedom and healing.
  1. 2 Reasons Why Freedom (Not Sobriety) Should Be Your Goal In Recovery— Sobriety is a very popular term in recovery circles. It’s a popular indicator of the amount of time someone has gone without acting out or expressing compulsive behavior. At the heart of the word there’s nothing inherently wrong, but I believe it’s how it’s been used that has possibly gotten us off track. Experiencing freedom in recovery is the real goal, not just sobriety. If we don’t eventually make it our goal to understand the WHYS behind our behavior, we’ll never truly be free. In this post, I share 2 reasons why freedom should be the goal in recovery, just racking up more days without using porn (or whatever the addiction is).
  1. How Do I Talk To My Spouse About Addiction & Recovery?— Quote possibly one of the hardest things to do in recovery is learning how to communicate with your spouse about your addiction (if you’re married). I remember how difficult the conversations were when I was coming out of my addiction because of my history of lying to my fiancé at the time. The first year of our marriage was incredibly challenging because we hadn’t learned how to talk about the things I struggled with. We needed help. And one of the greatest tools someone gave us was an acronym: F.A.N.O.S. You’ll have to read the post to find out what each letter means but believe me when I tell you, FANOS is a really helpful tool to aid you in the conversations between you and your husband or wife. It will help you learn how to talk with your spouse about your addiction without things getting weird, awkward, or combative.
  1. BLAST: A Guide To Understanding Your Triggers—  One of the greatest skills you can learn in recovery is being able to understand what your triggers are. Why do you act out the way that you do? B.L.A.S.T. is a guide for beginning to understand some of the most fundamental reasons for why we act out. Unless we understand what kind of feelings and emotions lead us to viewing pornography or masturbating, we’ll repeat the same behavior over and over again. You must become a student of your heart — learning what your heart is craving and and it’s need to be healthy. Very similar to FANOS, use this acronym frequently to try and understand what is really going inside.
  1. How Practicing Gratitude Can Change Your Brain Pt.1— The last post I would highly recommend reading is one of the most recent ones on the SGO blog: Learning how cultivating gratitude can literally transform your brain to help you think differently. Before you think I’m crazy, there’s actual science to back this up. Within this article, I share some very interesting findings about the brain, but here’s the point: The very chemicals in your brain that were released through repeated exposures to pornography can also be delivered through simple acts of giving thanks. Practicing gratitude. And it can CHANGE your brain.

I believe this is some of the best content posted on SGO from 2021. There’s so much more you could go back and read, but I hope that you’ll consider taking some of these recovery lessons and implementing them in your life in this new year. You won’t regret it.

You also won’t regret checking out Small Groups Online. SGO offers a very unique and intimate opportunity for community with other men and women who struggle with pornography and other forms of sexually compulsive behaviors. Imagine finding a group of men or women just like yourself who want more than what they’re currently experiencing. They want their lives back. They want hope. They want freedom. Community is one of the greatest ways to find these things so check out Small Groups Online today to get started on your journey!

How Do I Talk To My Spouse About Addiction & Recovery?

avatarBy Frank Honess

One of the most frequent questions I’ve gotten from the men I’ve worked with is this: “How do I even begin the conversation with my wife about my porn addiction &/or the recovery journey that I’m on?”

For many men, just the thought of talking to their wives about their struggles is terrifying. And truthfully, it’s not a conversation that every spouse can handle. But it’s my opinion that you should never leave your spouse in the dark when it comes to your recovery journey. Being willing to share the good, the bad, and the ugly is essential for growth and credibility to be restored between you and your wife. There’s no way around it.

But believe it or not, it doesn’t have to be a conversation that feels awkward, tense, or ends with two people storming out of the room. It can be a conversation that’s healthy and good for you both. One in which you actually grow in intimacy with each other.

In her book, “Shattered Vows” (ps. 184-186) author Debra Laaser shares a way for couples to be able to connect emotionally with one another through a couples sharing exercise called FANOS. FANOS is an acronym that stands for Feelings, Affirmation, Needs, Ownership, & Sobriety.

Throughout the course of a week, we’ve all found it difficult to have deep, meaningful conversations with our spouses. Between our busy schedules, demanding jobs, and family commitments, it feels like at the end of the day, our brains are just fried. And we might be tempted to just check out from engaging with our spouses.

We’ve found in our marriage that this very simple sharing exercise can really help! Especially as it relates to talking to your spouse about your recovery if you’ve never started. Once a week, we’ll take around 15-20 minutes going back and forth sharing from each letter of the acronym. Note: This is usually done when there is no kids around! Car rides are especially great for using this tool!

Let’s briefly break down what each word is and what you specifically share:

  • F – Feelings: How am I feeling this week? (emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally etc.) This is a huge one so don’t skim over it. Go deep here. And remember, no feeling is invalid or unimportant. Feelings aren’t always based in truth, but they allow your spouse to really see inside your heart. This is probably the hardest area for a man to share from, other than sobriety. But the more you practice, the easier it becomes.
  • A – Affirmation: What ways can I possibly encourage my wife this week? How can I speak to her as a wife, mother, daughter of God? Speak life over your wife. Whether or not you realize it, she so desperately longs to hear your appreciation and encouragement. Being a wife and a mother is an incredibly difficult, and at times a thankless job. Tell her how much she means to you!
  • N – Needs: What needs do I have from my wife? (again emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, etc.)? This is an important one so don’t just think “more sex, please” on this one. Be real. Is there a need you have from your wife you may be tempted to receive from someone or something else? This requires some keen insight in your heart, so take your time on this one.
  • O – Ownership: What can I take ownership of this week that I’m not doing so well in? Guys, we should have plenty to express here! As a husband, dad, worker, whatever, what are areas that you can grow in? Be honest with yourself and your wife: Where are you screwing up or slacking? The goal of ownership isn’t meant for you to throw yourself under the bus. It’s meant for you to have enough humility to remember you’re actually not perfect, and you need help. We all do.
  • S – Sobriety: How is my sobriety going this week? This question is typically only for you so be honest. If there were slips, confess them. If there was growth, share it. Don’t leave anything out on this one. Details are important. Your wife deserves to know the truth in how you’re doing. Instead of you merely coming to her and confessing something, you have both worked through a conversational tool that has helped you communicate. At this point in FANOS, you have both shared intimately with each other. So it’s the perfect time to check-in with her about your progress in recovery.

One of the greatest things I cherish about my relationship with my wife is our commitment to complete honesty. Believe it or not, this is a characteristic that didn’t come instantly on day one of marriage.  It’s one that’s been cultivated over the last 12 years. And I believe each and every day, it’s gotten better. But it’s only gotten better because Tracey and I have practiced. And as one person I heard revise the classic quote, “Practice doesn’t make perfect, practice makes permanent.”

I love this model for communication with my wife.  We practiced it early on in my recovery journey and have just recently come back to it for a model of conversation. I pray that it’s helpful to you as well as you grow in oneness with the man or woman God has given you.

Being involved in community helps the process of learning how to talk to your spouse much easier. And you don’t even have to go far to find it! Small Groups Online offers specific groups that you can become apart of to help you meet others who are walking through the same struggles that you are. Through weekly Zoom meetings online and the Live Free app, you’ll find there’s always another brother who you can reach out to in your time of need. Check out SGO today!!!

2 Reasons Why Freedom (Not Sobriety) Should Be Your Goal In Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

One of the most popular terms a person coming out of addiction will use to share their success or failure in recovery is the word “sobriety”. In the mainline culture, it’s probably most widely used in Alcoholics Anonymous and has been for several decades. It’s a widely accepted term in recovery and has spanned to former addicts with other sorts of compulsive behaviors. Nothing about the use of the word or it’s implications is wrong. I just have one question:

Could it be that there’s more to your recovery than JUST sobriety? Is it possible that even when you’ve made considerable progress in your journey to avoid a certain behavior, there’s more healing that could be taking place in your life? More lessons you could be learning about your heart? Deeper levels of wholeness available to you as a person in recovery?

It might just be a personal gripe I have with the word. At the end of the day, it’s probably just semantics. But rarely, if ever, have I used the word “sobriety” as I talk with men about my recovery story. Because I think there’s more to recovery than just sobriety; this picture of just getting by and ticking off the number of days I haven’t had alcohol or used porn.

I believe we can experience FREEDOM. The person who is free from sexual addiction is one who has/is experiencing healing on a much deeper level than just abstinence. And so I believe there are at least a couple specific reasons why freedom matters more than sobriety. If I haven’t lost you at this point, please consider the following reasons:

  1. FREEDOM is about healing your heart while SOBRIETY is about managing your behavior.

In my experience working with men, the ones who do the best are the ones who focus on healing their hearts. This includes their mental health, emotional health, and relational health. They’re revisiting their childhood, their adolescent years, the relationship they had with their parents in search of possible traumas or abuse they may have suffered. They’re learning new ways to process feelings of pain and discomfort instead of retreating into isolation. They’re spending time with counselors &/or a support group of other men who can help them process the damage addiction has done. Recovery is about so much more than managing behavior. Freedom cannot be achieved merely by managing your behavior or abstaining from using porn. In SGO, we call this “white-knuckle” change: The attempt to get better externally by simply gritting your teeth and trying to avoid porn or the feelings that could potentially be triggering. In order for the healing process to begin taking place in your life, you must look inward. You must embrace pain, acknowledge why it’s there, and act on it in a productive way that leads to life.

  1. FREEDOM counts the lessons you’re learning in recovery while SOBRIETY counts the days without using porn.

Close your eyes for 20 seconds and reflect on what you’ve learned since coming out of addiction. If you weren’t able to think of 5-10 lessons in the span of 20 seconds, it begs the question: What is your real goal in recovery? Is it to merely tick off on your calendar all the days that you haven’t acted out? Or is it to become the person that God intends for you to be? They are two vastly different goals. If you’re a financial guy, think about it like this: Just because you don’t file for bankruptcy each year doesn’t mean you have financial freedom. Likewise, you might have racked up 30 days or 60 days without looking at something triggering, but through the process have you considered WHY you act out and what your specific triggers are? Sobriety in itself without the real investigation into one’s heart will not take you very far. Unfortunately, I’ve seen men who have been more prone to slips and relapses because they were unwilling to do the real heart work that recovery requires.

Again, at the end of the day, perhaps it’s just a matter of word play. Freedom and sobriety could very well mean the same thing. I just think we have to be intentional in our recovery and know what our end goal is. Otherwise, we’ll coast along not understanding what we’re suppose to be doing.

Make sure you know what you want out of your recovery. Are you simply in a competition with yourself to see how long you can go without using porn? Or are you entering into community with others who are struggling the same way you are? This is where freedom and healing begin!

Small Groups Online makes it really easy to find community where other men will be waiting to meet with you. Through a weekly Zoom meeting and the Live Free community, you will be given the tools you need to help you find the freedom we’ve been talking about. It’s as easy as going to the website, finding the specific group and time you’re looking for and signing up. Go check out Small Groups Online today!