Does Your Marriage Have a Pulse?

avatarBy Frank Honess

Last month, we kicked off the new year talking about how you can take care of your heart in 2024. I won’t spoil the main topic of that post here, but trust me, I feel like you’re going to benefit greatly from that post!

This month, I want to shift the focus a little bit from managing your internal world in a healthy way to how effectively you’re taking care of quite possibly the most important relationship God has given you in this life: your marriage.

Before we get into the meat of this conversation, I want to preface this month’s focus with some confessions:

⁃ I’ve been married for almost 15 years.
⁃ I’ve made many mistakes.
⁃ I’ve achieved tremendous growth.
⁃ I’ll be making mistakes and growing until I take my last breath.

The point is this: In no way am I a marriage expert. Many of the things that I will suggest to you this month are things I’m still getting better at. I don’t know about you, but I want one of the crowning jewels of my life to be that I learned to love my wife well. And not only that, but that she truly felt that love. In 2009, our marriage had started off in a really tough spot as I was just starting to walk in recovery from my pornography addiction. So we were facing an up hill climb for sure.

Having said all of that, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned (and am still learning) is that it is my responsibility to make sure my marriage has a pulse. You may have heard it said before that marriage is 50/50, meaning I give 50% and she gives 50%. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I have to come the realization that because of my love for my wife, I’m going to give 100% to my marriage, no matter what it costs. I’m making the assumption that if you’re reading this and you’re married, there was a time when you made the decision that you wanted to join your life with someone else for the rest of your life. And so when you made that commitment, it wasn’t just that it would be for life, but that it would be a quality life. That means giving everything you’ve got to your spouse.

So how do you take the pulse on your marriage? I want to present a few thoughts in the form of questions you can ask yourself:

1. Do you pray together? Believe it or not, this has been one of the hardest areas for me to make a priority. Yes, the author of this article is admitting he doesn’t pray with his wife as much as he should. Guilty as charged. Thinking back, it’s easy to think about the “crisis” moments that brought us together. But what about the day in day out moments that we have together to simply give God thanks? Prayer is such a powerful weapon that married couples have at their disposal. It’s not only something that we should reserve for the dinner blessing or when we run into the wall. It’s a lifeline we need to be tapping into on a daily basis. Especially through recovery and the restoration of our marriage, I’ve always felt that if it weren’t by God’s grace, I would not be where I am today, nor would our marriage.

2. Do you spend time together? Let me clarify what I mean by this: Do you spend time together in the same space WITHOUT a screen in your hand or some other kind of distraction looming? In other words, are you being present to each other? This also is something I’ve had to learn over the years. If my wife is trying to talk to me and I’m on my phone or engaged in another activity, I’m not being present to her. Are you intentionally spending time with each other? Whether that be through date nights, vacations, playing cards, or even just snuggling? (and I mean the kind of snuggling that doesn’t always include sex) Few things will deepen your marriage than by simply spending time with each other where no other person or object has your attention.

3. Do you work through conflict together? Call me a slow learner – but my wife & I recently came to a pretty stark realization: While we don’t argue often, when we do, we have a hard time working through it. Not all the time, but there are some fights that where we feel like we hit the same wall over and over again. When things are good, we’re good. But when we (and by we I mean I) feel overwhelmed — whether in circumstances or emotion — it tends to leak out on to others. Again, we’re learning and we’re getting better. But we’re committed to work through it together. One example I’m working on: In the past as we’ve dealt with conflict, I’ve tended to be the one who withdraws or retreats while my wife is the one who is desiring connection. This hasn’t been easy to navigate through, but I’m committed to getting better.

4. Do you laugh together? Have you ever been out in public and seen a couple who clearly love each other? And it may be in the ways you least expect — including their ability to laugh and have fun together. I believe this area is a call back to the question I asked earlier about spending time together. As you spend time together, you will discover (hopefully) the things that bring you both joy. The things you both find interesting. And yes, the things you can both joke and tease each other about. And when I use the word tease, I certainly mean it in a playful way, not in a mean way. Recovery work is a very serious matter and so whenever you’re able to inject something fun or lighthearted in the moment, try to do it.

5. Do you dream together? The last one that I really believe will take a couple from simply living together to thriving together is the act of dreaming together. For some couples this is harder than for others. In our marriage, we’ve found this to be so life-giving. We have dreamed about God’s plans for our lives, the kind of home we could build, places that we want to visit, and what our future careers could look like. The sky’s the limit! There’s something really beautiful when two souls who have joined their lives together seek the Lord for their future and all that He has for them. I believe the Lord is honored when we seek His heart and His plans for our lives.

For some of you, reading these five questions might feel overwhelming. Where does a couple even begin to take the pulse of their marriage when there are so many indicators of health?

I want to encourage you to take some time to pray together and ask the Lord where to begin fortifying your relationship with each other. He will tell you. And once you know where to start, only tackle one area at a time. Remember, there is no deadline. You have time. It may take you six months or a year even to start consistently praying together. It may only take a you a week or two to start dreaming together. None of the areas above are accomplished over night. Just keep working at it and loving on each other well.

One of the greatest ways you can support your marriage is through joining Small Groups Online. Each week you’ll get to join other men or women who are learning to become the husbands and wives God is calling them to be. SGO is specifically designed for those walking through sexual addiction and even those who are suffering from sexual betrayal. Many couples have found incredible healing and restoration for their marriages through the help of Small Groups Online.

One final thought: Our standard of how to love our spouse well comes from Jesus. He is our model and example. Look at what Ephesians 5:25 TPT says:

”And to the husbands, you are to demonstrate love for your wives with the same tender devotion that Christ demonstrated to us, his bride. For he died for us, sacrificing himself“

When a person with some kind of compulsive behavior comes to the end of themselves and are ready to change, there’s a lot of work to do. Identifying the pain they have tried to medicate is one of the primary goals they face. And for those who are married, this complicates things significantly. Because their spouse is essentially pulled into their journey as well. As a matter of fact, they must walk through a recovery journey themselves. Because addiction is like a wrecking ball to a marriage, trust has to be built from the ground up. Over the last 15 years, I’ve had to learn to love myself well and love my wife well. It hasn’t been easy, but I can never forget one of my greatest callings (perhaps THE greatest) is to cherish my wife’s heart. I want to encourage you to go after the questions asked in this post together as a couple. It will take work for sure, but believe me when I say, your marriage is worth it!

Four Lies We Tell Ourselves in Addiction

avatarBy Frank Honess

When someone decides to come out of an addiction that has consumed years of their life, there has to be some re-wiring and some re-training that’s done in the mind. This can be seen with any kind of habit or pattern in a person’s life. The more you do something, the more comfortable you are continuing to do it. Your mind adapts to the “new” and the pleasure that it brings. So there’s a change in behavior that needs to happen.

But I would suggest it’s not even the behavior that’s the most important factor as much as it’s the mindset. The thinking. How do I think about myself? What do I believe about myself? These questions are supremely important if a person wants to break the stronghold of addiction in their life. Oftentimes (or should I say probably 100% of the time?) there are lies we begin to believe. Because we have practiced something so self-destructive for so long, we tend to make agreements with things that aren’t true. Some lies are very subtle and some can be very blatant.

This month, I wanted to address four specific lies that we tell ourselves in recovery. There’s no way to capture all of the lies we believe but I think these are probably four of the most common ones out there:

LIE #1: “PORN IS HARMLESS” — Perhaps one of the most dangerous lies a person can ever believe is that there’s nothing wrong with consuming manufactured images of hardcore sexual acts, which are often forced and considered by many to be abusive. Just consider the following statistics from Covenant Eyes:

    • 90% of teens and 96% of young adults are either encouraging, accepting, or neutral when they talk about porn with their friends.
    • Teens and young adults 13-24 believe not recycling is worse than viewing pornography.
    • Just 55% of adults 25 and older believe porn is wrong.
    • Only 43% of teens believe porn is bad for society, compared to 31% of young adults 18-24, 51% of Millennials, 44% Gen-Xers, and 59% of Boomers.

These numbers are startling! And yet, it’s a telling indicator as to where our culture stands on this issue. Sadly, the Church isn’t exempt from many of these numbers because we haven’t properly taught about how pornography can affect our thinking, our view of the opposite sex, and our relationships with each other.

LIE #2: “PORN ENHANCES MY MARRIAGE” — Equally as dangerous as the previous lie (and even more foolish) is the belief that some how porn will help to restore excitement and passion between you and your spouse. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve worked with many men who’ve used porn WITH their spouse. What really is the difference between one person viewing porn and two people? Pornography only creates a false reality of love. There’s nothing intimate about using someone as an object. This reality is only magnified when a husband and a wife think it will draw them closer.

This according to Focus on the Family:

“Marital sexuality is to be radically exclusive. So, pornography not only decreases true intimacy in marriage but actually prevents it. Introducing pornography into your marriage, whether viewing it together or alone, has the same effect as bringing in a third party. God’s ideal for sexual intimacy in marriage is for one man and one woman for life. Even though porn isn’t a relationship with a physical person, the result is just as destructive as having an affair.”

Never fall for the lie that somehow pornography will take you and your spouse to deeper levels of sexual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.

Whereas the first two lies are ones that tend to be exhibited from culture (and the Church), the last two lies are much more universal to most porn addicts. The next two lies are incredibly self-destructive if they are believed long enough.

LIE #3: “IF PEOPLE REALLY KNEW ME, THEY WOULDN’T LOVE ME” — Looking back, I think this was the greatest lie I ever fell for in addiction. The belief that beneath the surface, I was really unlovable. That if people saw the “real” Frank, they would turn in the opposite direction and take off. Part of this lie was rooted in the ignorance over my sin. In the lack of understanding on how to get free. Who was I supposed to talk to? What was I supposed to tell them? Where would I even start to find freedom and healing from something that had consumed years of my life? These questions raged inside as the cycle of addiction continued.

My confession of porn use came during a counseling appointment regarding a relationship that had gone south. As the counselor & I talked about the relationship, he began to ask me a series of questions — one of which included whether I had ever looked at pornography before. It was the first time someone had ever directly asked me that question since the addiction began. Because I felt a sense of safety and acceptance from him, I told him the truth. And with no judgement, he continued to ask thoughtful questions. He never turned his back on me or treated me any different. He and I remain friends to this day. I’m grateful that our relationship in many ways felt like a catalyst…a turning point towards a new way of living for me.

LIE #4: “I’M ALWAYS GOING TO BE THIS WAY” — For someone who’s been struggling with addiction for years, this lie has the potential to be the last nail in the coffin if left unchecked. This particular lie falls especially into the category of what are called agreements. Agreements contain words like “always” and “never”. Statements based solely in false perception, not truth. And with a mindset like this one, growth is virtually impossible because the decision had already been made ahead of time.

A promise that I love to return to often in Scripture is found in 2 Corinthians 5:17. I particularly like the way The Passion Translation says it:

“Now, if anyone is enfolded into Christ, he has become an entirely new person. All that is related to the old order has vanished. Behold, everything is fresh and new.”

Jesus is the only one who can break the mindset that says that change is impossible in my life. His death and resurrection are what MADE it possible. Transformation has to not only be something I want, but it’s also something I must choose. And that transformation lies in Christ.

Small Groups Online will help you find an authentic, honest environment where you can share your story without judgement or fear. Through genuine conversation with others who also struggle, you will find a safe & healthy community to be apart of. We were all made for relational connection and SGO does a great job at helping to facilitate that.

If you’re telling yourself lies today, make the decision to start walking in truth! Believe me when I say that your life in recovery is worth it.

3 Ways Love Overcame My Porn Addiction

avatarBy Frank Honess

As I continue to walk in recovery from a pornography addiction, I often remind myself that it is only by love and grace that I’m at the place I am today. Eleven years ago, I received an insurmountable amount of forgiveness from those closest to me, including my wife. And even as I continued to minimize or justify the relapses I would have and the lying that accompanied it, I would experience healing in life. Little did I know then the ways in which freedom would come.

At the age of 16, I invited Jesus into my life and accepted the free gift of salvation He died to give me. And while I thought I was giving Him all of my life, I really wasn’t. My secret life of binging on pornography that had started at the age of 13 only continued, many times late into the night. It wasn’t until the age of 26 that I hit rock bottom and started to walk in freedom & healing. My secrets were uncovered. I had finally chosen to shine light upon the darkest places of my heart.

I truly believe that most of the change in my life has occurred through the love of my heavenly Father and the grace I experienced from others. How does transformation happen in a person’s life? For me, I believe that my life changed through pain, position, and purpose:

    1. Pain — Before I could begin walking in freedom and healing, I had to acknowledge the damage that I had caused myself as well as the pain I had caused others because of my addiction. Throughout the course of my battle with porn, I’d been given so many opportunities to get healthy and yet nothing really stuck. I lived in so much shame and guilt over what I was doing. I was convinced people would think I was a pervert. I’m so thankful to this day that the Lord used even the most painful moments in my life for good. The moment my fiancé slid her engagement ring across the table was one such moment. It helped me to see that I wasn’t healthy. I was sick. And so I think pain was one of the only effective means left for me to see who I was and who I was becoming.
    2. Position — It wasn’t until I literally took action upon my addiction that I began to see any difference. My routine, schedule, and priorities all needed to change. There needed to be movement in my life where for so many years I was stuck in one place. Thankfully, through the help of counselors, pastors, and support groups, I was able to find freedom from the quicksand of pornography addiction. Again, it wasn’t until I got off my butt and took action. I couldn’t wallow in shame forever. Or point the finger at someone else as the cause of my behavior. If I wanted to get better, I needed to embrace healthy outlets for processing emotions and feelings I had long ignored. My position had to change.
    3. Purpose — As funny as it may sound, when I began walking in recovery, I found a passion begin to stir inside for helping others do the same. Strangely, one of the bi-products of my addiction was that it helped me to find purpose in life. Today, I tell people that I sometimes feel like my former porn addiction was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me! It was because I had found a sense of purpose that I felt like I could really be an influence in someone’s life. I could help someone else find the healing that I had found for my life. I believe that is something we’re all called to do in our recovery journey. Get all the healing you can, but don’t let it stop with your life. Be a funnel, not a flask.

As I reflect upon my recovery journey, I can see how love overcame my addictive behavior through pain, position, and purpose. Each one of these ways has been instrumental in helping me take further steps to become the man that God wants me to be. This process continues daily until I take my last breathe in this world. I’m of the belief that it was Christ’s death on the cross that is really what has made my recovery possible. Jesus’ death on the cross has helped me to understand there is no challenge, no circumstance, no addiction too big for God’s love to overcome. How could I do any less than to honor Him with a life of sexual integrity after He has given me so much?

For me, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 sums it up pretty well: “For it is Christ’s love that fuels our passion and motivates us, because we are absolutely convinced that he has given his life for all of us. This means all died with him, so that those who live should no longer live self-absorbed lives but lives that are poured out for him—the one who died for us and now lives again.”

You may be reading this convinced you’re trapped in a vicious cycle that never ends. You’ve tried time and time again to stop your behavior on your own or maybe you haven’t even tried at all. And yet, you feel the emptiness inside. The well inside of your heart has no end.

Believe it or not, there is hope. Whether you feel it or not, freedom is possible. But it can’t be found by yourself. You can’t get better alone. Healing requires that you allow people into your world to see the real you. Do you want that for your life?

Small Groups Online is an incredible opportunity for you to meet others who are struggling the same way you are. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere. Through communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Check out Small Groups Online today!

5 Lies Those Struggling with Porn Addiction Tell Themselves

avatarBy Frank Honess

Overcoming porn addiction was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. At 26 years old, I faced the greatest ultimatum I was ever given: Start dealing with the addiction OR lose a marriage that hadn’t even begun yet. At the time, I was engaged to be married to Tracey, who is now my wife. Perhaps that sounds extreme, but for me, it was a breaking point.

Individuals who are addicted have so much to overcome in the process of recovery. So often, it seems overwhelming. Behaviors must change and so do mindsets. As a matter of fact, I believe choosing the truth over the lies could be harder to change than merely the behavior itself. And for those struggling with an addiction, there are many lies one is tempted to believe. The following are just a few of those lies:

Lie #1: The payoff of coming clean won’t be worth it. When something is controlling our lives, it’s hard for us to imagine what freedom really feels like. Eleven years ago, you couldn’t have told me life would be better than the pixels I was taking pleasure in on a computer screen. But when I considered the opposite reality, I began to see the kind of man God wanted me to be. Truth: Recovery is worth it and will help you become a man of sexual integrity, not sexual brokenness.

Lie #2: No one will love me when they know who I truly am. So many men are crippled by this lie. What will people think when they see the “real” me? The fear of total rejection is too much to handle for some people, and so they remain entrapped. That was my story for 13 years! I eventually realized I was not alone and that every man deals with or has dealt with some form of sexual struggle in their lives. Truth: There ARE men who will understand you and love you — no matter what.

Lie #3: My sexual struggles will go away when I get married. There’s a huge temptation to believe that marriage will fix or cure your sexual addiction. Men everywhere think that they can go on with their secret lives and then their struggles will just magically disappear the day they say “I do” on the altar. This couldn’t be further from the truth! As a matter of fact, the opposite occurs. While marriage is incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, it also has its challenges and stressful moments. Porn, masturbation, & fantasy offer many men a way out of those stressors. Truth: Sex addiction becomes a wrecking ball in marriage and will most assuredly destroy it.

Lie #4: I’m not addicted; I can quit anytime I want to. I can’t tell you how many times I believed this whopper of a lie when I was younger. Interestingly enough, while I “thought” I could quit whenever I wanted, I always felt this gnawing sense of guilt in the pit of my stomach that what I was doing was wrong. Watching porn every couple of months is no different than watching it five times a day. Its constitutes a pattern of behavior taking place in your life. Truth: An uncontrollable pattern of behavior is called an addiction — which means you can’t quit on your own.

Lie #5: God will never forgive me for the things that I’ve done. I’m thankful that God knows me well enough to know that there will be times where I will deliberately choose other things over him — and yet He will STILL forgive me when I realize the error of my ways and come back to him. He knows our propensity to screw up and that’s why He provided a place of restoration through Jesus Christ. This is one of the hardest lies to break in a person’s mind. Truth: God’s forgiveness enables a sex addict to understand and see what real love looks like. Porn leaves you feeling empty every single time.

Whether you’ve struggled with telling yourself the lies mentioned above or whether they were totally different ones, the bottom line is that pornography addiction blinds you from the truth. And unless you have safe people around you to help expose those lies for what they are, you will continue to struggle day in and day out. Remember: You can’t beat this stuff on your own!

One of the greatest steps you could ever take in your recovery journey is to become apart of a community that values and fosters the truth each and every week. Small Groups Online is that community. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere with other men who struggle just like you. Through sharing time and communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Don’t buy the lies anymore! Join SGO today!