3 Steps To Take Before Talking To Your Spouse About Your Addiction

If you’ve never talked to your spouse about your addiction, there are several things that need to begin happening internally first. You’re not changing the story or covering anything up. You’re walking through the process of healing so you can become the person that God wants you to become.

1. Own Your Pain — Every single person dealing with an addiction is a person who is medicating pain somehow. I’ll even go out on a limb and say that substances like alcohol, drugs, & pornography aren’t the real problem in a person’s life. In many ways, they’re simply the MEDICATION for the problem. What you’re really dealing with on a daily basis in the inability to cope with pain in a healthy way. Whether that be some kind of stress, loneliness, or emotion that is left unchecked. By medicating the pain inside, you’re numbing yourself to the reality of who you are and you’re meant to be. I believe there’s always a reason for our pain. The key is discovering the why and the how. And it takes time to process through this stuff in our life. Even if you don’t have the answers to these questions before you talk to your spouse, you can can still begin asking the questions. Think through it. Pray through it. Look back through your past. This includes moments of betrayal, abuse, and trauma. What are moments that left an impression upon your life that caused you to begin avoiding pain?

2. Disown Your Shame — Throughout the course of my 13 year addiction to pornography, the level of shame increased to the point that I was so disgusted with myself and I didn’t know who to talk to. I was afraid for fear of rejection. I was afraid people were going to think I was weird, or even worse, a pervert. Unfortunately, at the very beginning of my addiction, I wasn’t able to see how shame would be able to sink it’s teeth deep into my life. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was too afraid to let people know me and see what was really going on in my life. And yet, what 13 year old knows how to own his pain before he can disown his shame? I hadn’t learned how to do that nor did I have healthy people in my life that could help me. It wasn’t until the age of 26 that I realized I didn’t have to live like this. I could be free. And through the help of some really loving individuals who helped me to see what pornography was doing to my life, I began to walk in recovery. I was learning to to disown my shame. Here’s a reality I want you to begin to embrace: You aren’t defined by your addiction to pornography. You are better than the lies that porn tries to sell. You are a child of God. You are loved. And you are valuable. Once we can begin to release shame and realize our true identities, we’ll begin to walk in freedom and healing.

3. Seek Forgiveness — The last step you should take before talking with your spouse about your addiction requires a lot of courage. It takes action on your part. Perhaps you’ll notice that the first two steps are internal; actions you must begin to take within your own heart. But seeking forgiveness is all about identifying those who have been directly impacted by your addiction. If you think you are the only person who’s been affected by pornography, think again. For those who are married, the most obvious person in the line of fire is the spouse. You’ve most likely hidden the details and duration of your addiction from them. Now, it’s time to get honest with them. DISCLAIMER: Confession will be messy. It’s not easy to do. But in order to become the person that God wants you to be, you must open up and allow people to see into your life. And this should start with your spouse. Be honest with them about your behavior. Ask for forgiveness.

Owning your pain, disowning your shame, and seeking forgiveness are three of the most important steps you should take before talking to your spouse about your addiction. Remember that the long term goal in your recovery is healing, freedom, and becoming the person that God wants you to be. The goal is also to become honest with those closest to you about your deepest struggles.

Small Groups Online provides a powerful opportunity to help you become a man who’s healthy and has nothing to hide. In a weekly online meeting format, you can share your story with others who struggling just like you are. Through safe and healthy community, you’ll learn how to have those important conversations with your spouse and others you’re closest to.

5 People You Should Be Honest With About Your Porn Addiction

“Honesty is the best policy.” Perhaps you remember hearing this often repeated phrase in your childhood. I know I remember hearing it. As a child, I grew up learning that good things came from being honest. And bad things came from lying. Conviction came very easily for me a child as I think I had a pretty sensitive heart, which I would later learn could be both good and bad depending on the situation. But for the most part, I tried to be honest in everything I did. I knew that lying was wrong. It wasn’t until my world was literally shattered when I viewed hardcore pornography for the first time that I really began to learn how to lie.

What happened? The diabolical mixture of both excitement and shame broke down the walls of my heart and my mind. I entered a world that I didn’t know how to get out of. It was as if I could’t get enough of what I was watching. And yet at the same time, I hated it. This pattern continued in my life for 13 years — through middle school, high school, college, and even through a ministry position I took in a church. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I found freedom. I found a way out of the darkness. But it wasn’t until I rediscovered something I had lost early in adolescence: Honesty.

Honesty was and continues to be to this day one of the greatest keys to my freedom. Who did I need to get honest with? They are the same people I believe every man and woman must be honest with if they are to find the same freedom and healing I did. You must learn to cultivate honesty with the following people:

    1. Yourself — This is the first place that healing either starts or stops in a person’s life. For me, I had to come to a broken place, a place of reckoning where I became so aware of the state of my heart and how my addiction was affecting those around me. You’ve probably heard it described many times before as a “rock bottom” place. But even when I hit the bottom, I had to drop the shovel I was carrying. I had to stop digging the hole even deeper in an attempt to find fulfillment. My point of honesty finally occurred in two different places: In the face of complete devastation from my fiancé which then led me to a counselor’s office. I had to realize I wasn’t healthy. I was sick. My life was a complete lie. It wasn’t until I was really willing to bring all of the ugly into the light that I could take the first step.
    2. Your Spouse — The next person you need to be honest with is the person you’re meant to become one with: your spouse. And therein lies the reason why we always need to be 100% honest with them. To achieve that kind of unity with your husband or wife requires that they really know you. That you allow them to see inside of you. You don’t hide anything. You don’t keep secrets. You allow them to see the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even the ugly you think is too shameful. Perhaps you’re reading this and you’re not married yet. All the more reason why it’s so important to cultivate honesty in your life! If you are desiring to become married, your credibility tank needs to be full before, not after you say “I do” on the altar. Be honest with your spouse. Or, if you’re not married, be a person that someone can trust their life to when the day comes.
    3. Your Accountability Partner(s) — This may be one person or a few in your life. But an accountability partner’s specific job is to know you. And your specific job is to allow them to know you. It requires honesty with someone in order for them to effectively encourage and challenge you to be better. More than ourselves and our spouses, we need other men and women who are at a healthy place to be able to ask us the hard questions we don’t want to answer. Because the reality is we can’t walk on this journey alone. We can’t expect to get healthy by ourselves. We were never designed to live life alone.
    4. Your Support Group or Small Group — Another group of people we should be honest with about our pornography addiction is a support group or small group. The difference here between accountability partners and members of a support group is that within a support group there are other individuals like yourself who are also struggling. Part of the journey of healing is walking with others who need community just like you. Others whose lives have been broken because of addiction. One other note on this: The men and women in a support group are not only meant to be there for us, but we’re meant to be there for them too. You have something so valuable to offer to those without hope.
    5. Your God — Assuming you’re a person of faith, your honesty with the One who created you is so important. The ironic thing about this is that our God knows everything there is to know about us (see Psalm 139) and yet His desire is for truth to come from our lives. I love what Psalm 51:6 says in The Passion Translation: “I know that you delight to set your truth deep in my spirit. So come into the hidden places of my heart and teach me wisdom.” As I referenced earlier, it was only by the grace of God that I found ultimate freedom in my life. I believe this is one person that we cannot ignore on our quest to become healthy. He not only cares about your eternity…He cares about your heart too.

One of the greatest ways you could start your journey towards honesty is to become apart of a community that values and fosters the truth each and every week. Small Groups Online is that community. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere with other men who struggle just like you. Through sharing time and communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Don’t buy the lies anymore! Join Small Groups Online today!

5 Lies Those Struggling with Porn Addiction Tell Themselves

Overcoming porn addiction was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. At 26 years old, I faced the greatest ultimatum I was ever given: Start dealing with the addiction OR lose a marriage that hadn’t even begun yet. At the time, I was engaged to be married to Tracey, who is now my wife. Perhaps that sounds extreme, but for me, it was a breaking point.

Individuals who are addicted have so much to overcome in the process of recovery. So often, it seems overwhelming. Behaviors must change and so do mindsets. As a matter of fact, I believe choosing the truth over the lies could be harder to change than merely the behavior itself. And for those struggling with an addiction, there are many lies one is tempted to believe. The following are just a few of those lies:

Lie #1: The payoff of coming clean won’t be worth it. When something is controlling our lives, it’s hard for us to imagine what freedom really feels like. Eleven years ago, you couldn’t have told me life would be better than the pixels I was taking pleasure in on a computer screen. But when I considered the opposite reality, I began to see the kind of man God wanted me to be. Truth: Recovery is worth it and will help you become a man of sexual integrity, not sexual brokenness.

Lie #2: No one will love me when they know who I truly am. So many men are crippled by this lie. What will people think when they see the “real” me? The fear of total rejection is too much to handle for some people, and so they remain entrapped. That was my story for 13 years! I eventually realized I was not alone and that every man deals with or has dealt with some form of sexual struggle in their lives. Truth: There ARE men who will understand you and love you — no matter what.

Lie #3: My sexual struggles will go away when I get married. There’s a huge temptation to believe that marriage will fix or cure your sexual addiction. Men everywhere think that they can go on with their secret lives and then their struggles will just magically disappear the day they say “I do” on the altar. This couldn’t be further from the truth! As a matter of fact, the opposite occurs. While marriage is incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, it also has its challenges and stressful moments. Porn, masturbation, & fantasy offer many men a way out of those stressors. Truth: Sex addiction becomes a wrecking ball in marriage and will most assuredly destroy it.

Lie #4: I’m not addicted; I can quit anytime I want to. I can’t tell you how many times I believed this whopper of a lie when I was younger. Interestingly enough, while I “thought” I could quit whenever I wanted, I always felt this gnawing sense of guilt in the pit of my stomach that what I was doing was wrong. Watching porn every couple of months is no different than watching it five times a day. Its constitutes a pattern of behavior taking place in your life. Truth: An uncontrollable pattern of behavior is called an addiction — which means you can’t quit on your own.

Lie #5: God will never forgive me for the things that I’ve done. I’m thankful that God knows me well enough to know that there will be times where I will deliberately choose other things over him — and yet He will STILL forgive me when I realize the error of my ways and come back to him. He knows our propensity to screw up and that’s why He provided a place of restoration through Jesus Christ. This is one of the hardest lies to break in a person’s mind. Truth: God’s forgiveness enables a sex addict to understand and see what real love looks like. Porn leaves you feeling empty every single time.

Whether you’ve struggled with telling yourself the lies mentioned above or whether they were totally different ones, the bottom line is that pornography addiction blinds you from the truth. And unless you have safe people around you to help expose those lies for what they are, you will continue to struggle day in and day out. Remember: You can’t beat this stuff on your own!

One of the greatest steps you could ever take in your recovery journey is to become apart of a community that values and fosters the truth each and every week. Small Groups Online is that community. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere with other men who struggle just like you. Through sharing time and communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Don’t buy the lies anymore! Join SGO today!