Shame: The Ultimate Showstopper

avatarBy Frank Honess

If you’ve walked in recovery for any length of time or even just began walking in recovery recently, most likely you’re well acquainted with shame. Shame seems to be one of the most common and universal feelings that those in addiction share with each other. If there ever was something that could deliver the final K.O. to someone trying to live the life that God created them to live, it would be shame.

At its very core, what is shame? Well, for one, shame is on a whole different level than guilt. Guilt says: “I’ve done something wrong” whereas shame says, “I AM something wrong.” What a paradigm shift in thinking and processing! One feeling pertains to your behavior. And one feeling speaks to your identity.

For so long in my addiction to pornography, I remember feeling an immense amount of shame. And it only complicated over the years as I continued to isolate myself from people. Rewind even further and I can plainly remember the first time that I discovered pornography. I don’t even now that I fully comprehended what I was watching. But it didn’t take long for me to realize there was something about this that wasn’t right. The excitement from what I was watching snagged me instantly. What I didn’t realize at the time was how deeply shame had also sunk a deep hook into my soul.

Author of “The Betrayal Bind”, Michelle Mays, says the following: “Shame creates a strange paradox because the antidote to shame lies in doing the very thing that shame tells us not to do. Shame tells us to hide, keep secrets, avoid, and withdraw. But when we share our shame, when we open ourselves to be seen, when we tell the secrets and allow others to draw close shame evaporates in the light of acceptance and understanding.”

While shame has the potential to be a real showstopper in your life, if you’re willing to be honest and open up, that potential will never become a reality. And if shame has already sunk it’s teeth into you, there is a way out. It may not be what you want to do. It may not be what you feel like doing. But I believe the level of your freedom and healing in life is directly correlated with your willingness to embrace and surrender the darkest corners of your soul.

One of my favorite verses comes from James 5:16, which says: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

In this particular verse, James is writing about the power of our prayers. If we have Christ within us, our prayers carry authority. But before we even enter into prayer, we find another action that carries just as much weight: Confession. The word confession actually means a “public acknowledgement”, something that done “freely” and “openly”. Before healing can take place in our lives, before sin can be forgiven, and yes, before any kind of understanding can occur, there must be a commitment to be honest about what is underneath the surface. And not only does it say confession is necessary, but it tacks on the phrase “to each other”. Don’t ask me what it is, but there is something powerful when I open my life to another person. When I’m willing to reach down into the painful, broken places within me and let others see the real me.

Let me be very clear, if you want to live a surface level life with everyone around you, this may not be for you. It takes great courage to be honest and to ask the hard questions. Difficult conversations don’t just become easy to have. They take practice and time to get better. I think it could be inferred that one of the guiding principles early on in James 5:16 is transparency. When someone is willing to live a transparent and honest life, no pain, no hurt, no confusion is too great to be healed. How do you learn to have difficult conversations with people in your life? Be ready and willing to open up the window to your heart and let others look inside.

Learning to have difficult conversations with the ones you love will never come easy. Most likely, it will require a ton of practice & proactivity on your part. The point we’re trying to make in this article is that you have to start by making a commitment to run to the hard places instead of running away from them.

If it helps, picture in your mind the police officer, the fire fighter, or the military service person. Do they run from the danger because they’re afraid? Not chance. Because they’ve already made a pre-determined decision that they are going to put their life, their value, their comfort on the line for others. They’re protectors and defenders. There is a courage and a strength about them because they are willing to do what others aren’t. This is the kind of conviction we must have too when it comes to having difficult conversations in life.

Small Groups Online has offered an incredible platform where you can share amongst other brothers or sisters who also understand what shame feels like. SGO provides you weekly support through online meetings hosted on Zoom. You can log on at the time of your choosing and in the environment of your choosing. And you’ll receive encouragement and engagement for your journey!

Shame doesn’t have to put you in the ground. It doesn’t have to be the end of your story. Instead, you can experience life that you never thought was possible as you expose what has existed in the darkest corners of your internal world. Bring those things into the light and get with people who can walk shoulder to shoulder with you on what could very well become the greatest days of your life.

My Responsibility In Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

“Lord, you’re so kind and tenderhearted and so patient with people who fail you! Your love is like a flooding river overflowing its banks with kindness.” (‭‭Psalms‬ ‭103‬:‭8‬ ‭TPT‬‬)

Psalm 103 is one of the most beautiful songs of praise and thanksgiving in Scripture that was written by King David. While we don’t know the specific circumstances that were the impetus for this song, we know that David was a man who knew the incredible grace & restoration that the Lord offered to Him. As someone who crossed definite lines of murder and adultery, this song is an account of God’s response to our sin and failings. It gives us a true picture of the God who loves us in spite of the unhealthy decisions we’ve made in life.

I love this psalm for many reasons. It also gives me a picture of God’s miraculous love for me throughout many years of addiction and recovery. And as Mark Denison (There’s Still Hope) says: “I can’t imagine where I’d be if not for that grace. But God’s grace doesn’t take away from our need to do the hard work of recovery.”

I’ve often shared with people that if it weren’t by the grace of God, I don’t know where I would be in life. What the condition of my heart would look like. What the state of my relationships would look like. The kind of person that I would have become if it were not for His hand coming into my life to pull me out of all the crap I was in.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in recovery has been identifying the specific work I need to be doing on a daily basis to care for my heart, my mind, and the choices I make as it relates to my integrity. At the age of 16, God’s grace entered my life in a way that I had never known before. And yet, because I was so young and deeply entrenched in sin, I hadn’t realized my identity. I hadn’t realized how valuable my life was.

Around the Fall of 2009, I began the journey of reclaiming my God-given identity. Through conversations with my wife about my porn addiction and facing the very possible reality of a marriage that would have ended before it began, I sought the help I needed. It wasn’t easy. It required conviction, effort, and sacrifice that was brand new to me. I thank God for that season. The Lord had shown me incredible grace (grace that felt very painful at the time) through helping me to see the damage my decisions were causing not only to my own life but to others as well.

That work has continued over the last 15 years. And today I can say that I’ve experienced more freedom and healing than I ever could have possibly imagined. But it required a choice on my part. It required work. It required taking responsibility for ME. It required uncovering deep places of pain and past trauma that I was trying to medicate.

Denison also shares 3 key questions every person in recovery must ask themselves if they’re to really progress on their journey:

  1. What work has God given you to do in the area of recovery?
  2. Are you faithfully doing that work?
  3. If not, why not?

I believe these questions help us to get very specific in identifying what we’re to go after for ourselves. Every person is different and their needs are different. But these questions serve as a wonderful framework for figuring out the kind of activity that is happening in the recovery journey.

None of us who are in recovery for addiction have any right to abdicate responsibility to anyone but ourselves. We are the ones who got ourselves into the mess we’re in. True, we may have been introduced to something or exposed somehow, but even in those situations, the burden of responsibility still falls to us on how we will steward our hearts into healing.

Thankfully, Small Groups Online helps you identity the areas in your life that need work. And this is done by offering its members a weekly Zoom meeting where they can connect with others who walking along similar paths in life. SGO comes in to help you find life-giving community that will help you grow in a ways you never could on your own.

I want to encourage you this month to check in with your heart. Has it grown stagnant in any way? Have you come to a halt in your progress? Are you feeling unsatisfied with where you’re at? Perhaps it’s because you shifted gears a while back and put your recovery on auto-pilot. Believe me, it’s so easy to do.

Remember: The overwhelming, all consuming grace of God has already forgiven you. But now, it’s time to take the reins and decide the kind of person you want to become. It’s up to you and you alone.

Crossing The Finish Line

avatarBy Frank Honess

I want to share a little secret with you: I love technology! I think to some degree I always have. And while technology isn’t the be all or end all to life, it does offer convenience and can be very beneficial to life.

One of the devices I have owned and loved has been a wireless charger that charges my iPhone, Apple Watch, and AirPods. Amazing device! It sits on my nightstand next to my bed. I simply drop all the devices where they go on the charger and by the morning everything is topped off and back at 100%.

But can I share with you a pet peeve of mine? There have been a hand full of days that I’ve woken up before to find that because either my phone or watch wasn’t seated properly that they never charged throughout the night. They never reached 100%.

I’m sure your heart is broken over my first world problem, but bear with me because there is a very specific parallel I want to make to our own lives as it relates to walking with Jesus and in recovery:

Yesterday’s loss is no guarantee of tomorrow’s outcome.

You might need to read that sentence again. Because it’s true. Every single one of us walk through pain, make mistakes, undergo loss, suffer relapse, and screw up somehow. As I think about my own recovery journey, I remember the slips and the setbacks. I wanted to 100% my recovery within the first year. I had all the intentions of getting the W, but often came up short. It was only through much needed healing and maturing that I began to gain momentum. And soon I began to build consistency in recovery.

The word of God speaks very clearly to this frustration as we undergo the struggles and pain in life. Here’s what it says:

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (Philippians‬ ‭1‬:‭6‬ ‭NLT)‬‬

Paul is most likely speaking here to the Philippian church regarding salvation in Christ. Jesus accomplished the work on the cross through his death and resurrection. He freely gave His life for us so that we could spend eternity with Him. But something we must understand is that Jesus didn’t just die for us, come back to life, and then peace out. He promised to send the Comforter, who is the Holy Spirit to be with us every moment of our lives. The reality though, is between the time that we receive Christ and when we take our last breath, there is a TON of work to be done in our hearts.

I like also how The Passion Translation interprets this verse:

“I pray with great faith for you, because I’m fully convinced that the One who began this gracious work in you will faithfully continue the process of maturing you until the unveiling of our Lord Jesus Christ!”

I particularly love the phrase, “the process of maturing you” in that version. If we’re honest with ourselves, none of us enjoy maturity because it’s painful. It requires courage. It requires commitment. The same is true regarding our recovery journey. You must expect that there will be bumps in the road, potholes, and unexpected turns along the way. But if you commit to never give, you WILL cross the finish line!

And not only that, but you will have the greatest Resource available to you through Christ Jesus. He wants to see you succeed more than anyone else on the planet! He will see you through your seasons of struggle. So if you find yourself questioning whether recovery is still worth it, trust me, it is. You have what it takes to succeed. And the work that Christ has started within you, He will finish too. Rest assured that God is committed to your growth.

I really believe we were meant to do more than just limp across the finish line at the end of our lives. We are to run hard and yes suffer a few stumbles along the way. That’s life. But above all, we’re not meant to merely survive, but to thrive. Small Groups Online can help you learn how to thrive — not in isolation — but within safe & healthy community. You will have the opportunity to meet weekly in a safe and secure online meeting space via Zoom to help you process the pain you’re walking through. SGO is both affordable and effective and will help get you started in recovery the right way. Check it out today.

Will you be able to look back at your life and know that you left nothing on the table and gave everything you had to becoming the person that God called you to become?

Combatting the Lies That We’ve Believed

avatarBy Frank Honess

As I’ve progressed in my recovery journey and work with men on a regular basis do the same, I feel like I’ve learned some pretty important truths along the way. One of those truths is learning to understand how an addiction actually finds its start.

Even before an addiction manifests into some kind of compulsive behavior, the damage has mostly likely already happened in the mind. Why is that the case?

I think it comes down to the common denominator we all share: PAIN. Pain signifies a deeper problem going within a person’s life, just like the lights on the dashboard of the car indicate the need for an oil change or an overheated engine.

When pain in a person’s life is tended to in a healthy way, that person has all the potential to grow and become better from the experience. But when pain is ignored, buried, stuffed down, it doesn’t go away. It begins to infect the entire person. And so people medicate with substances, pornography, or whatever they can get their hands on in an attempt to ease the pain.

Pain, while being an excellent indicator of a problem, can also be interpreted the wrong way as well. Because of how powerful pain can be physically, emotionally, and psychologically, it can also cause us to develop beliefs about ourselves that aren’t true. And so we begin to buy into lies about ourselves and others.

As Christians, this can most certainly bleed over into our spiritual lives as well. When we’re hurting, we’re vulnerable and so oftentimes what happens is that the enemy of our souls, the devil, comes in and whispers lies to us. Remember, he is called the Father of lies for a reason. It’s about the only thing he’s good at.

I love this quote from Pastor Chris Hodges:

“Any time we’ve fallen into the hands of the enemy, it isn’t because he forced it, it’s because we believed it. The devil attacks by putting lies into our mind that we believe.”

How true this can be! Just think about how easy is it to believe even the slightest suggestion of something that isn’t real verses really buying in and committing to the truth. Oftentimes, it takes us effort to really believe in what is true. And I believe this is a good thing because being a person of truth is worth it.

Ephesians 6 takes this so seriously as to suggest that we should be wearing specific armor to fight the battle over our lives:

“Embrace the power of salvation’s full deliverance, like a helmet to protect your thoughts from lies.” (Ephesians 6:17)

But just a few verses earlier, a command is given to us in order to win the hard fought battles against lies:

“Put on truth as a belt to strengthen you to stand in triumph.” (Ephesians 6:14)

I believe for many, this could very well be the starting place for their addiction: Unhealed pain which manifests in unhealthy core beliefs about one’s self. A wound that begins in the heart and travels north to the brain where other voices and opinions are entertained. After a while, agreements and assumptions are made. A scenario that never could have been conceived of before is now imagined and believed to be true. Before you know it, you have believed a lie, which only takes you further down the path of pain. And the cycle continues.

Small Groups Online helps to surround you with a community of men or women who will encourage you with truth. You will have the opportunity to meet weekly in a safe and secure online meeting space via Zoom to help you process the pain you’re walking through. SGO is both affordable and effective and will help get you started in recovery the right way. Check it out today.

Truth has to be something we CHOOSE each day. Despite all that we’ve faced and the pain that we’ve walked through, the choice is still ours to make. No one else is responsible and no one else can make that choice. Scripture is clear that it’s through God and His word that we are victorious against the lies that we’ve believed. Lies don’t have to control us or dictate our future.

3 Ways to Strengthen Your Recovery This Summer

avatarBy Frank Honess

If you hadn’t noticed, the weather is changing and that means summer is nearly here! The birds are chirping loudly, the temperature is finally jumping, and grilles everywhere are starting to heat up in anticipation for the changing of the seasons. I have to say, I’m pretty excited for a new season. Not necessarily for the millions of out-of-staters who will be invading the surrounding beaches. But I am genuinely excited for the new. The different. The shifting of something I’ve experienced to something that is yet to be.

With the changing of the season, there are new routines and adjustments that need to be made. In the summer, kids are off from school. Perhaps the pace of your job slows down or speeds up depending on what you do. Vacations and family trips abound. There is a freshness and slowing of the soul (at least that is the intention).

Similar to when we flip the calendar to a new year, there are other pivotal points during the year to revisit your recovery strategy to see what’s working and what isn’t. Over the course of the last 14 years I’ve had to do this often in my own recovery journey because growth is fluid. Progress is taking place (hopefully) every day and I want to continually be prepared to take the next steps in my journey. So what are some areas in recovery to revisit as the seasons change?

  1. Community – I’ve mentioned this quite a bit in my past writing, but I believe that finding a healthy community of individuals who are also dealing with the same or similar struggles as you is key to long-term success. Simply stated: We cannot find freedom and become the men and women we want to be without the help of others. And this requires transparency and vulnerability; the willingness to open up the dark and painful places for others to see. I’m so grateful for all those I’ve had the honor of sharing my story with throughout the last 14 years. I found a level of safety and trust that I had never known before. No judgement. No condemnation. Just a group of guys who wanted to get better, just like me. Small Groups Online offers a weekly online support group at a convenient time and place where you will be both encouraged and challenged in your recovery journey. You can also try SGO free for 15 days! Make community a priority as the next season approaches.
  2. Security – For those who use protection software or filtering on their devices, it’s always a good idea to go back and check that everything is set properly and you are protected. And if you’re in need of software for filtering sexually explicit or triggering content, there’s no better time to get on that train than today! Technology has only advanced in the last few years and so there are some really great options out there to help you as you engage with your devices between home and work. The important thing to remember about software is that it’s only one step along the way, it’s not the final solution. And if you’re someone who’s constantly trying to get around software, it means you’re probably more in need of community and support than you realize. There are some great options out there between X3watch, Covenant Eyes, and many others. Some will do more content blocking and filtering and others will simply monitor your activity and then email a report to someone you know and trust. I used software for many years in my recovery until I got to the place where I didn’t need it anymore. It can definitely be helpful!
  3. Honesty – The last area that I wanted to highlight is one that is more internal to an individual’s life in recovery. It’s the question of honesty and truthfulness. I think it’s always a good practice to routinely ask yourself if you’re truly surrendered to the process of freedom, healing, and restoration. This is something that can’t be forced or rehearsed. It has to be an internal decision that has to be made within a person’s life. For me, it came through brokenness and a realization of how destructive my behavior had become. I was on the path of losing everything and everyone I held dear. And so for the first time in 13 years, it was time for me to get honest with myself: Was I willing to do whatever I had to do to become the man that God had designed me to be? No more hiding, no more lying, no more minimizing. It was time to face the reality of who I had become. This is a hard reality to face for sure. But it’s also the doorway to freedom. Only at that place can a person begin the journey.

Certainly this isn’t a definitive list of all the pillars in recovery. It’s only just a few. The point I’m trying to make this month is that we have to continually pay attention to the things that matter most to us. And if we say recovery from pornography and other sexually compulsive behaviors is important, we have to translate our intentions into action.

I encourage you this month to revisit your recovery strategy and consider what can be fortified. What areas can be strengthened? What needs to improve or change so that you can take the next step to becoming a person of sexual integrity?

Four Lies We Tell Ourselves in Addiction

avatarBy Frank Honess

When someone decides to come out of an addiction that has consumed years of their life, there has to be some re-wiring and some re-training that’s done in the mind. This can be seen with any kind of habit or pattern in a person’s life. The more you do something, the more comfortable you are continuing to do it. Your mind adapts to the “new” and the pleasure that it brings. So there’s a change in behavior that needs to happen.

But I would suggest it’s not even the behavior that’s the most important factor as much as it’s the mindset. The thinking. How do I think about myself? What do I believe about myself? These questions are supremely important if a person wants to break the stronghold of addiction in their life. Oftentimes (or should I say probably 100% of the time?) there are lies we begin to believe. Because we have practiced something so self-destructive for so long, we tend to make agreements with things that aren’t true. Some lies are very subtle and some can be very blatant.

This month, I wanted to address four specific lies that we tell ourselves in recovery. There’s no way to capture all of the lies we believe but I think these are probably four of the most common ones out there:

LIE #1: “PORN IS HARMLESS” — Perhaps one of the most dangerous lies a person can ever believe is that there’s nothing wrong with consuming manufactured images of hardcore sexual acts, which are often forced and considered by many to be abusive. Just consider the following statistics from Covenant Eyes:

    • 90% of teens and 96% of young adults are either encouraging, accepting, or neutral when they talk about porn with their friends.
    • Teens and young adults 13-24 believe not recycling is worse than viewing pornography.
    • Just 55% of adults 25 and older believe porn is wrong.
    • Only 43% of teens believe porn is bad for society, compared to 31% of young adults 18-24, 51% of Millennials, 44% Gen-Xers, and 59% of Boomers.

These numbers are startling! And yet, it’s a telling indicator as to where our culture stands on this issue. Sadly, the Church isn’t exempt from many of these numbers because we haven’t properly taught about how pornography can affect our thinking, our view of the opposite sex, and our relationships with each other.

LIE #2: “PORN ENHANCES MY MARRIAGE” — Equally as dangerous as the previous lie (and even more foolish) is the belief that some how porn will help to restore excitement and passion between you and your spouse. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve worked with many men who’ve used porn WITH their spouse. What really is the difference between one person viewing porn and two people? Pornography only creates a false reality of love. There’s nothing intimate about using someone as an object. This reality is only magnified when a husband and a wife think it will draw them closer.

This according to Focus on the Family:

“Marital sexuality is to be radically exclusive. So, pornography not only decreases true intimacy in marriage but actually prevents it. Introducing pornography into your marriage, whether viewing it together or alone, has the same effect as bringing in a third party. God’s ideal for sexual intimacy in marriage is for one man and one woman for life. Even though porn isn’t a relationship with a physical person, the result is just as destructive as having an affair.”

Never fall for the lie that somehow pornography will take you and your spouse to deeper levels of sexual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.

Whereas the first two lies are ones that tend to be exhibited from culture (and the Church), the last two lies are much more universal to most porn addicts. The next two lies are incredibly self-destructive if they are believed long enough.

LIE #3: “IF PEOPLE REALLY KNEW ME, THEY WOULDN’T LOVE ME” — Looking back, I think this was the greatest lie I ever fell for in addiction. The belief that beneath the surface, I was really unlovable. That if people saw the “real” Frank, they would turn in the opposite direction and take off. Part of this lie was rooted in the ignorance over my sin. In the lack of understanding on how to get free. Who was I supposed to talk to? What was I supposed to tell them? Where would I even start to find freedom and healing from something that had consumed years of my life? These questions raged inside as the cycle of addiction continued.

My confession of porn use came during a counseling appointment regarding a relationship that had gone south. As the counselor & I talked about the relationship, he began to ask me a series of questions — one of which included whether I had ever looked at pornography before. It was the first time someone had ever directly asked me that question since the addiction began. Because I felt a sense of safety and acceptance from him, I told him the truth. And with no judgement, he continued to ask thoughtful questions. He never turned his back on me or treated me any different. He and I remain friends to this day. I’m grateful that our relationship in many ways felt like a catalyst…a turning point towards a new way of living for me.

LIE #4: “I’M ALWAYS GOING TO BE THIS WAY” — For someone who’s been struggling with addiction for years, this lie has the potential to be the last nail in the coffin if left unchecked. This particular lie falls especially into the category of what are called agreements. Agreements contain words like “always” and “never”. Statements based solely in false perception, not truth. And with a mindset like this one, growth is virtually impossible because the decision had already been made ahead of time.

A promise that I love to return to often in Scripture is found in 2 Corinthians 5:17. I particularly like the way The Passion Translation says it:

“Now, if anyone is enfolded into Christ, he has become an entirely new person. All that is related to the old order has vanished. Behold, everything is fresh and new.”

Jesus is the only one who can break the mindset that says that change is impossible in my life. His death and resurrection are what MADE it possible. Transformation has to not only be something I want, but it’s also something I must choose. And that transformation lies in Christ.

Small Groups Online will help you find an authentic, honest environment where you can share your story without judgement or fear. Through genuine conversation with others who also struggle, you will find a safe & healthy community to be apart of. We were all made for relational connection and SGO does a great job at helping to facilitate that.

If you’re telling yourself lies today, make the decision to start walking in truth! Believe me when I say that your life in recovery is worth it.

11 Tips for Having Great Recovery Check In’s (Part 2)

avatarBy Frank Honess

Last month, we started a two part series on how to have great recovery check-ins with people who care about your life. Sharing your recovery journey with someone is a delicate process and can’t be taken lightly. Therefore, we have to be wise with who we invite into our lives. Not everyone can handle the weight of what we have to share. Having said that, there are some incredible people out there as well who have so much to offer us!

Here are five more tips for having great recovery check ins:

1. Be defensive & be offensive with check-ins — Defensive: I’m feeling temptation right now. Offensive: Pulls, feelings, go on the offensive, reaching out to someone. Simply put, recovery takes action on our part. It takes focus and it takes clarity. We have to not only field the attacks that we may feel, but we must also lean in to truth. This is why we’re talking about a two part strategy. Ephesians 6 is one of my favorite portions of Scripture because it gives very specific instructions on how to fight in spiritual warfare. The armor of God mentioned in verses 11-18 isn’t just meant for our protection, it’s meant for our advancement. The same applies to our recovery. If we want to heal, if we want to grow, we must go after the areas of pain that send us down unhealthy paths. A great check-in helps us to do that!

2. Timing evolution — Check-in with someone before a slip, in the middle of a struggle. Recognize triggers & pulls. I’ve met very few men that have learned to do this consistently. I say this because I was one of those men in the other camp: I would wait until the battle was hot & heavy, slide into isolation, act out in some way and then run to other men to confess my transgressions. This is the opposite of what this tip is talking about. The ideal time to check-in before the temptation strikes. Someone once called this technique “book-ending”. The idea is when you know you might be walking into a scenario that might be triggering in some way for you that you reach out to someone BEFORE. And then there is a follow-up conversation AFTER on how you felt you did. Much of our success in recovery requires a great deal of forethought and planning.

3. It takes practice to become comfortable. This one is pretty self-explanatory. When it comes to conversations and communication, you get better at it when you commit to the process of doing it regularly. And so that’s why having 2-3 people is probably a pretty good number. These aren’t just people you’re having regular conversations with about sexual purity. These are people you’ll want to do life with. Hang out with them. Eat with them. Worship with them. Play with them. Build your relationship with them so your conversations have the opportunity to go deeper. What you’ll find is through time spent with people your comfort will also increase.

4. A good friend on the other end asks good questions. You’ll want to make sure you’re able to find people who are interested in going deep with you. This doesn’t have to be the most spiritual person you know, but there’s also nothing wrong meeting with someone who knows the Word and has an intimate, thriving relationship with God. Perhaps someone who has a counseling or therapeutic background. Most of all, find people who are curious. People who don’t just take what they see at face value. They’re always digging deeper to know more. These are the kind of people you want to spend your time with. You will be able to tell a surface-level person verses someone who really wants to walk with you. Yes, they will have the ability to encourage you. But they need to be able to ask the tough questions too.

5. Have many guys to talk to, text, email, & meet up with. Take advantage of communication wherever you can. Some individuals will be more able to meet at a coffee shop or for lunch. But distance may separate you geographically and maybe you’re only able to do a phone call or Zoom meeting. Even taking time throughout the week to text that person how you’re doing and what you’re feeling is super important! Be flexible with the men you’re meeting with.

And as always, if you’re looking for a community to help support you in your recovery journey, Small Groups Online would be worth a look! SGO offers a weekly online group experience via Zoom where you will join other men and women who are also seeking community. Check out Small Groups Online today!

11 Tips for Having Great Recovery Check In’s (Part 1)

avatarBy Frank Honess

Being proactive in recovery makes all the difference in one’s long-term success. Freedom and healing didn’t just happen in my life. They were things I needed to pursue and it took action on my part to do it!

One of the greatest steps I encourage every man I work with to take is to step out of isolation and into community. Opening up your life and letting others see inside is essential for your growth and maturity. A huge part of this means being offensive in recovery and no defensive. Learning to be proactive in your communication with people who really care about your heart is so important.

Having said that, I think one of the greatest misnomers that has ever come from accountability relationships is that the burden of accountability lies upon my accountability partner and not me. In other words, it’s up to everyone else to hold ME accountable while I sit back and do nothing.

So this month, I wanted to share the first six tips on what a great check in looks like with recovery partners and other support people in your life. Next month I’ll share the final five tips…

1. Be intentional & don’t wait for the other guy! Put 3 or 4 guys numbers in your phone who you can check in with. There are some obvious benefits to this: Not everyone you reach out to will be available that moment to chat. So if you’re only trying to check in with one person, you may hit a dead-end if they’re not available. Also, having more than one person provides several different sources for feedback, encouragement, & challenge.

2. Be regular in checking in. Consistency is key. The goal is create a regular rhythm of communication so others know you’re committed to the process of recovery. And this helps you to also not become isolated in your thoughts and feelings. 2-3 times a week you’re checking in with several people to process what’s going on inside.

3. Be specific with others about about MY feelings. Feelings may not mean much to you but they’re actually really huge. Think of them as the lights on your car’s dashboard indicating when it’s time for an oil change, low tire pressure, or if there’s a real problem. You can’t ignore those lights! This is why being specific about your feelings should be one of focal points of your check in.

4. Remember that reaching out to others is an offensive action. It takes effort. We talked briefly about this earlier. Remember, the burden doesn’t lie with others to check in on you. This is YOUR recovery, not theirs. Don’t wait around for the phone to ring or the text message to come. Follow through and make the effort to reach out.

5. In the check-in, go deeper. Ask specific questions of yourself: What am I doing? What am I thinking? What am I thinking about doing? This gives your accountability partner or support person a very clear picture of how you’re doing that particular week. Specificity is really crucial when communicating thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behavior. The clearer you can be with someone, most likely the better the conversation will go.

6. Don’t be discouraged if someone doesn’t respond immediately. Be patient. People are people. And people get busy, right? You do too! 🙂 The most important action that you’re taking is picking up the phone and making the connection. People won’t know how you’re doing unless you start there. A great accountability partner or support person will respond to you in a timely and effective fashion. Bonus tip: As you’re waiting, remember that you have the greatest Advocate on your side that you can also talk to: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! Be honest and if you have to, be raw about your state of mind. Trust me, the Lord can handle anything you throw at Him.

These tips should give you a great place to start. Next month, I’ll wrap up this series with the final five tips for great recovery check in’s. And as always, if you’re looking for a community to help support you in your recovery journey, Small Groups Online would be worth a look! SGO offers a weekly online group experience via Zoom where you will join other men and women who are also seeking community. Check out Small Groups Online today!

Self Pity Is Shame’s Best Friend

avatarBy Frank Honess

If you’re a child of the 80’s, you’ll probably recognize this phrase instantly:

“I PITY THE FOOL!”

It took me a second, but not much longer, to remember the man with the distinct haircut, multiple rings, and massive amounts of gold around his neck as none other than Mr. T. Interestingly enough, Mr. T’s last name is Tero (I never knew that before the time of this writing). I think all these years I always thought his last name was, unsurprisingly, TOUGH 😆.

Why do I even bring up Mr. T and what in the world does he even have to do with recovery? Because of one word mentioned in that famous phrase: pity.

I don’t know that I’ve thought much about the meaning of that word in life, but I sure have experienced a considerable amount of pity, especially during the darkest years of my addiction to pornography.

What does pity actually mean? Pity is most commonly defined as a deep sorrow, regret, or disappointment over something. Feeling pity towards someone else can signify a sense of compassion for them.

The kind of pity I wanted to focus on in this post is most certainly a kind we’ve all dealt with: self pity. Think about your own life. In the moments and times you’ve felt self pity about something you did or maybe the person you were becoming. What did that do for you? Except make you feel like a bigger loser. I get it. I was there too.

Self pity almost never leads us to a healthy place. I read something interesting just today in my devotions: Self pity eventually leads to self-medication or self-destruction. What starts as sorrow or regret can eventually lead us to a very dangerous place in life.

Is it fair to say that self pity can introduces us to shame? Or at least are they closely related?

I’ve been reading an incredible book by Carl Thomas called “When Shame Gets Real: A New Way to Talk about Sex, Porn, and Masturbation.” Believe me when I tell you that this book has been both well thought out and well written. I love what Carl writes in the introduction:

“Shame cares about one thing and one thing only: suppressing you and everything that matters in your life such as your work, hopes, dreams, and passions. It wants to chase you into a little dark corner where you can stay hidden from the rest of the world, remaining ineffective and impotent.” (Introduction, pg.14)

Shame is a powerful force! And if left unchecked for years upon years, it can really debilitate someone’s life. I know that it did with me. Throughout my four years as a youth pastor, the weight of my own hypocrisy was steadily crushing me. And I remember the intensity of this shame as it reached its pinnacle while dating my wife. I had tried to stop looking at porn on my own without any kind of help from others.

My wife could see through all the lies. And she very nearly left me. Can you imagine that? Losing your marriage before it ever began. That was the place that I was at. At the height of shame. A crossroads where I had the choice: Was I going to continue living a secretive, diminished life or surrender to the very best life imaginable?

I chose a life of freedom. I wish I could say that shame instantly disappeared from my life, but that process took several years of work on my end and support from others who believed in me.

What started as frustration, regret, and disappointment quickly turned into a lifestyle where I thought the problem was me. What was wrong with ME?

This is what shame does. As Carl goes on to write in his book, “shame attacks your very nature and identity.” (Ch.1, pg.10)

Keep a close watch on your heart. When you feel yourself starting to gravitate towards self pity, reach out to someone you trust. The key in these types of situations is inviting others to help you process those feelings and emotions in a healthy way.

So often, if we’re not careful, we can get ourselves stuck in a rut where we’re believing lies about who we are. It works just like quick sand. Before we know it, we’re so stuck that we can’t escape on our own. We need the helping hand of another!

This is what Small Groups Online does by offering you the support and community you need when shame has a grip on your life. SGO offers weekly Zoom meetings on a day and time of your choosing where other men and women like yourself can truly find strength in numbers. Trust me when I say that none of us can make it very far on our own. Check out Small Groups Online today. It’s one decision you won’t regret!

Tell the Whole Truth & Nothing But the Truth

avatarBy Frank Honess

Recently, I had a pretty interesting encounter with a customer at my place of work. The week before, this individual had called in requesting some work to be done at their house. I informed them that I would write up the work to be done and as soon as we could have the owner of the company take a look at it, we would send him. So last week, when they called back in, they sounded frustrated and accused me of lying to them. I probably sounded a little bewildered on the phone simply because I had no idea what they were talking about. The man claimed I told him that I would be calling him back at the beginning of the week when in reality, I never said that.

It doesn’t feel good to be accused of lying. Perhaps it’s because before recovery my life was basically one big lie. Or, it’s probably more likely the fact that over the last 13 years, I’ve worked hard to refine my character & integrity. To become a man who is honest. Who has nothing to hide. And for that to be questioned (even if it had nothing to do with my recovery) felt like it really struck a nerve inside.

I began thinking about one of the most fundamental building blocks of addiction recovery: Honesty. The willingness to drop the walls, drop the facade, and allow others to see inside of your life. A life of honesty refuses to hide, cover up, or deny the truth. It seeks only to be completely transparent, allowing light to shine upon anything unseen.

For obvious reasons, the Bible has much to say about the importance of living an honest life. One such verse sticks out to me in writing about this subject:

“The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.” (Proverbs 12:22)

Notice the incredible contrast here in this verse. I love how it’s implied that the Lord doesn’t associate lying behavior to a person’s identity. While sin’s imprint was upon us even from birth, it was never meant to become our identity. But for the one who lives a life of truth, in this verse, it’s said the Lord “delights” in them. The word delight is closely related to the word pleasure. Think about something that gives you pleasure. Real pleasure. The kind of pleasure that makes you whole. The kind that fulfills every longing and desire you have. This is what a life of honesty, a life of integrity, a life of truthfulness brings to our Creator.

But He doesn’t stop there. If you really think about it, truth and honesty go even beyond our words. Truth must originate from our hearts. This is a sure sign that we have been transformed and are continually being changed by Jesus’ love. Look at Psalms 51:6:

“I know that you delight to set your truth deep in my spirit. So come into the hidden places of my heart and teach me wisdom.”

Notice the writer uses again the word delight. Perhaps our greatest act of worship to God is the truth that emerges from a life that is fully surrendered and has nothing to hide. We all have places in our hearts that haven’t yet been exposed to His transformative touch. As long as we live there will always be these areas. The invitation is for Jesus to come into those spaces. THIS is where honesty and credibility is built. In this verses context, the Hebrew word for “inward parts” can mean “something that is covered over, hidden, or concealed.” This could also be paraphrased as “you desire light in my darkness” or “you want truth to expose my secrets”.

Doesn’t that kind of life appeal to you? It does to me.

I believe that is the kind of person we’re working to become in recovery. You may read these words and struggle to believe that you can become that person. That you can’t be honest with your spouse. You can’t be honest with your kids. You can’t be honest with your friends.

I really want you to read this closely: Nothing could be further from the truth. You have the opportunity to live the kind of life that you’ve never known. And it all could start with one conversation. One confession that becomes the standard for how you choose to live your life. Do you want to live in obscurity and isolation? Or do you want to live with the reality that nothing is hidden and nothing is off limits to the people in your life?

You can make that decision today. Small Groups Online could be the perfect opportunity for you to begin walking in truth for the first time. SGO makes it incredibly easy to become apart of a healthy community of men or women who share similar struggles as you. Through a weekly Zoom meeting at a time that is convenient for you, you will receive encouragement and support for the journey that you’re on.

You can become a person of truth if it’s something you really want. A question that often came to my mind throughout my recovery journey was this: “Am I willing to do whatever I need to do to become the man that God wants me to become?” That answer has and will always be a resounding YES. I’m thankful today for all of the ways the Lord has transformed my heart and helped me to become a person who is pursuing truth every single day.