3 Ways Gratitude Will Change Your Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

This might sound really crazy to you, but as I reflect upon the last 14 years of my journey in recovery, I can truly say how grateful I am for the road that I have walked. Might I even go so far to say, I’m thankful for the pornography addiction I walked through. “WHY???”, you might ask me as if I’ve lost my mind. (BTW, that’s a perfectly fair response)

I’m thankful for both the addiction and the recovery that accompanied it because it revealed the kind of person I really was for 13 years, and helped me to see the kind of person I COULD become — both the healthy and unhealthy versions of myself. I understand that it’s not an easy task to come to grips with the reality that both our struggles and our recovery deserve our gratitude. Who feels like giving thanks when they’re walking through fire? When they’re walking with a spouse that has felt the sting of betrayal? These are incredibly difficult moments to walk through.

In a recent group meeting, I shared with the guys that one of the benefits to the recovery journey is that as you progress and experience healing, you also gain perspective. Perspective over your past and everything that you’ve walked through that got you to the place that you’re at now. This doesn’t happen quickly or instantaneously. It happens after you’ve committed your life to the day in day out process of growth. It’s so important to be able to ask valuable questions like, “What has my addiction taught me about myself? How has my recovery journey changed me?

This month I want to share 3 ways gratitude will change your recovery — all for your betterment and your health. I’ve seen in my own life the fruit of expressing gratitude in each of these areas and how it has essentially enhanced my journey and helped me to keep going over the past 14 years:

Spiritually

When I made the decision to take my first steps out of darkness and into the light, I believe there was a barrier that fell in my relationship with Jesus. Sure, I had given my life to Jesus at the age of 16, but I hadn’t really given him EVERYTHING. For so many years, I had hidden so much in heart and refused to allow the Holy Spirit’s touch upon the darkest parts of my life. But that truly all changed in the Fall of 2009 when I decided I wanted to become a different person. And I haven’t looked back since. I needed a total overhaul in my understanding of who God was. I’m so thankful today for the grace He gave me through Jesus. It was first and foremost by His grace that I found freedom. And today, I’m truly grateful for His touch on my life. I believe He used the most painful moments within myself and even between my wife & I to bring about healing. I’ve often told people in recovery that I feel like the Lord waits for us to do all we can do so that He can do the things that only He can do. It’s a beautiful partnership, isn’t it? Today, I feel like I have a relationship with God that I never could have had if my addiction had continued.

Socially

As sort of a bi-product of choosing to walk in honesty and truth, I was finally able to allow other people to see the real me. For so long I felt so much fear and shame over my porn addiction. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I just couldn’t stop. What first started as a discovery had grown into full out medication and escape from the pain I wanted to avoid in life. But that all changed when I was able to let others inside. I love how one of my SGO guys said it best, “We’re on a journey of being fully known.” What a beautiful picture! And who are we really becoming fully known to? Chiefly to ourselves, but also to others. I’m so thankful that I have people in addition to my wife that KNOW the me. I can’t tell you how important it is to have safe, healthy people in your life too. Regardless of whether you ever walk through addiction or not, you need people in your life. We weren’t created to walk through life alone. And yet, that is exactly how so many people live in our world.

Scientifically

I feel like this little known fact bears as much repeating as possible: Gratitude has the ability to literally change the structure of your brain! Meaning your brain, your thinking, your processing becomes healthier and more responsive when you live from a place of thankfulness. This according to Brain Balance:

“Scientists conducted a study in 2008 to measure the brain activity of people thinking and feeling gratitude. What they found was “that gratitude causes synchronized activation in multiple brain regions, and lights up parts of the brain’s reward pathways and the hypothalamus. In short, gratitude can boost neurotransmitter serotonin and activate the brain stem to produce dopamine.” Dopamine is our brain’s pleasure chemical. The more we think positive, grateful thoughts, the healthier and happier we feel.”

How cool is that?! As neurosurgeon Dr. Lee Warren likes to say, we have the opportunity to perform self brain surgery whenever we need to. The recovery journey is a beautiful journey, but it’s not an easy journey And if we’re not careful, it’s easy to emotionally spiral through discouragement, shame, and the slow progress that is often the case. That’s why it’s so important to keep your heart rooted in gratitude. What do we have to be grateful for? I have some suggestions that you may have not considered before:

    • Gratitude for being exposed.
    • Gratitude for those who helped me navigate through pain.
    • Gratitude for hard fought healing.
    • Gratitude for being given way more chances than I deserve.
    • Gratitude for the struggles.
    • Gratitude for what the struggles revealed inside.
    • Gratitude for freedom.

Small Groups Online provides a platform to join other men who are also growing in gratitude. Men from every different background and walk of life. Some at the very beginning of recovery and others you might call “veterans”. But all are men who have forsaken isolation and have come to grips with the reality of real community in their lives. I encourage you to check out all the benefits of becoming apart of an SGO group today!

There are so many ways that gratitude will change your recovery if you allow it to. For me, I’ve made it a goal from the moment I wake up to the moment I lay my head on the pillow to be a man who remembers all that he has been given. Thanksgiving has become more than just one day a year for me. It’s a lifestyle that I try to live 24/7 365 days a year.

Target Your Triggers

avatarBy Frank Honess

In a recent group meeting, the topic of triggers came up in our discussion as I followed up on someone’s check-in. The man who had just shared about his week had shared that it was a tough week, and that there were a couple “slips” in the last few days. (Side note: In my experience, a slip is most often associated when someone acts out sexually in some way. Some men may also use the word relapse). In this instance, I followed up with him with a question I’ve asked to other men before who’ve shared the same experience:

“Do you know what your triggers were?”

As we let this question sit for a while, I could see he was really putting some thought into it. Finally, he answered with a question: “Frank, could you explain to me what exactly you mean when you say triggers?”

His response reminded me of the continual need for this conversation amongst men. Do you understand your triggers are? Or let me even say this: What drives you or pulls you in the direction of acting out sexually? No matter where you are in recovery, you should at least know a few of the most powerful triggers in your life.

Let’s zoom out a bit further. The late Dr. Mark Laaser had what I think if probably one of the greatest definitions for what triggers actually are:

“Triggers are ANY stimuli that a person interprets as sexual. This varies from person to person and depends on the person’s past experiences and memories. We can interpret as sexual input from any of our senses. For example, looking at certain pictures in the newspaper may trigger one person while the smell of a particular perfume or cologne may trigger someone else.” (From the workbook, “Faithful & True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World”)

I really like that definition. Because it suggests that triggers are very subjective from person to person. Meaning, they can be anything that prompts or “triggers” a sexual response. In my July 2021 article on the Small Groups Online blog, I wrote on specific triggers using a very helpful acronym: BLAST. If you’re not sure where to begin in understanding what triggers are, and more importantly, what YOUR triggers are, I would start with that article.

What I would love to devote the remainder of this article to is learning to target your triggers the older you become in recovery. The hope and the assumption on this side of the screen is that every reader would progress in recovery, heal from the pain of their past, and become the person that God created them to be. This is the ultimate goal. And as we grow and heal from things that once kept us in chains, the reality is that we will come to a place where we don’t struggle in the ways that we used to. So what does it look like for the man or woman who’s 10, 15, 20 years into recovery? Are they triggered in the same way they were in year one?

Yes and no. We all learn and grow at a different pace. Some of us faster and some of the us slower. I think a key question I like to try and always keep on my radar is this one:

“How is my heart doing today?”

Take some time to really think about that one. There’s a lot in that question to consider. One of the healthiest commitments a person can make is to their heart. If we maintain a consistent connection to what is happening in our internal world, we won’t be at the mercy of our flesh and our desires. There are nothing wrong with those things, but too many today are being led by their hearts instead of being the ones who do the leading. I’m sure you know what Proverbs 4:23 says, but if it’s been a while, let this be a fresh reminder for all of us:

“So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life.” (The Passion Translation)

I love how the Bible tells us that what we hunger will essentially be expressed in our lives. We’re told to give special attention to the welfare of our innermost being. Another word for welfare here is the word “health”. And as we keep our hearts healthy, our entire lives will overflow with health. How we think, how we talk, & even how we treat people will all come from a place of life because we have treated our hearts well.

One last thought about triggers: You don’t have to walk through them alone. Small Groups Online helps men find community with other men who are also walking through the same struggles involving pornography addiction, masturbation, & any other sexually compulsive behavior. Each week, you’ll have the opportunity to meet online with a group of men who can help encourage and support you on your journey.

How Practicing Gratitude Can Change Your Brain Pt.2

avatarBy Frank Honess

Last month, I talked about the specific ways in which cultivating and expressing gratitude can literally change your brain. More specifically, your brain can actually be transformed in terms of your thinking and processing complex emotions and feelings.

The late Dr. Mark Laaser has said that research has found that the brain is for all intensive purposes, “plastic”. The impact upon one’s brain from years of addiction and compulsive sexual behavior CAN be reversed. The brain can heal. Meaning this: You are NOT trapped in the same thinking and behaving you’ve always had. You can become different.

This month, I want to pivot the direction a little bit in terms of gratitude. As a man who’s been in recovery for 12 years, I’ve been afforded many incredible opportunities and resources over the years. All of which really aided me in maximizing the success of my recovery long-term. In virtually every conversation I have with a man walking through addiction, I make sure to talk about each one of these.

As I reflect back on my journey, I am grateful I experienced the following opportunities. In fact, they were so much more than opportunities. They were gifts given to me out of a genuine desire to see my life restored to what God intended it to be. I wanted to highlight a few:

  1. Counseling — I think as we’re living in a culture that is still navigating through Covid and other social anxieties, counseling may look a little different than it did 12 years ago, but there’s no doubt there’s still incredible value to having the opportunity to sit with a licensed therapist who is trained in being able to help sex addicts. Christian counselors who are trained in sexual addiction therapy are able to offer a wonderful blend of guidance from the truths of Scripture while also asking specific questions that help point to the “why” behind the addiction. I’m so thankful I was able to sit with a counselor for a season in my journey. Something to be mindful of: Counseling can be expensive, but overall I’ve found it to be worth the investment in my life.
  2. Groups — There are very few opportunities so unique and special as the group setting. Recovery groups, support group, even today Zoom groups offer the ability to form healthy community with other men or women who are struggling in very similar ways as you are. For me, this was perhaps the greatest opportunity I was afforded in my recovery journey. Every week, I looked forward to meeting with other brothers who wanted to get healthy in the same ways I was. I soon began to believe the reality that I couldn’t get healthy on my own. I NEEDED other people in my life whether I realized it or not. An even deeper truth that one is able to uncover within the group setting is understanding how much others are depending on you. In other words, you recovery isn’t just meant for you. You’re not apart of a group just for yourself. Other men need to hear about the hope, redemption, and health you have found too.
  3. Intensives — Another very beneficial opportunity in recovery is attending a weekend or week long intensive. An intensive often involves a great blend of teaching from a trained or incensed therapist, group sessions, and individual work that can be done with much more time afforded over the course 3-4 days. Intensives can be done with just a few people and range in size. I’ve been blessed to be apart of workshops that involved close to 20 men or more even. The amount of information, individual and group therapy you receive is so valuable. Even as the world still deals with Covid, many ministries and organizations are going online to offer these intensives. As with counseling, there is often a cost required for these intensives, but as previously mentioned, opportunities like these are well worth it.

What do all these things have to do with the brain? For me, it was through these experiences in my life that I found freedom and healing. Through individuals helping me understand the “why” behind my behavior to times of group interaction where I found healthy community. Every bit of it helped me…and in turn, helped my brain re-wire.

I’m so grateful today that I was given so many life-changing opportunities to heal. I know that all of these things may be accessible to you all at once. And that’s ok. Just start with one. Do something healthy for your soul today.

Contact Small Groups Online today if you’re interested in starting the journey of knowing and being known by others who also struggle like you do. Each week, you’ll have the opportunity to jump into a Zoom meeting hosted by a trained group leader waiting to get to meet you. You’ll also be invited to download and join the Live Free app where further communication and discussions are available to you throughout the week.

How Practicing Gratitude Can Change Your Brain Pt.1

avatarBy Frank Honess

This month on the SGO blog, I want to begin a two part series on the power of gratitude in recovery.

Over the past 12 years in recovery, one of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten has come from my wife Tracey. Throughout our marriage, during times of great anxiety, fear, worry, and doubt, Tracey has encouraged me to “practice gratefulness”. Practicing gratefulness. You see, there’s something very powerful about adjusting the needle of your heart off of your fears and onto all that you’ve been given.

For me, as I’ve practiced gratefulness throughout the years, it’s helped me to find more contentment than ever! And I believe that could very well be the greatest goals to being grateful is the establishment of contentment & satisfaction in a person’s life.

For many years of my life, I felt deeply unwanted and I also lacked purpose. I had discovered pornography at around 12 or 13 and what began as simply a curiosity delved quickly into a nightly ritual of finding the latest and the greatest thrill that would give me a real sense of fulfillment and control. But unbeknownst to me at 12, porn would lead me on a 13 year cycle of guilt and shame with no end until around the age of 26.

I’m thankful today that I’ve had freedom for many years and experienced tremendous healing from the clutches of pornography. And while I don’t even remotely desire porn anymore, there are still many times I have to dig my heels in the ground to fight for contentment.

Until we realize all that we have and all that we have been given, we will struggle with giving thanks. We will always try to seek out the next thing, the next shiny new object, the next thrill to give us relief. In many ways, we may trade one addiction for another!

You may have not known this, but gratitude has the literal power to change the brain and create new neural pathways. Similarly to how our continual dependence upon porn created literal “ditches” in our brains is the same way that gratitude also has the ability to re-wire the brain.

Specifically, the brain releases powerful chemicals that can actually cause feelings of joy and pleasure:

“Emily Fletcher, the founder of Ziva, a well-known meditation training site, mentioned in one of her publications that gratitude as a ‘natural antidepressant’. The effects of gratitude, when practiced daily can be almost the same as medications. It produces a feeling of long-lasting happiness and contentment, the physiological basis of which lies at the neurotransmitter level. When we express gratitude and receive the same, our brain releases dopamine and serotonin, the two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for our emotions, and they make us feel ‘good’. They enhance our mood immediately, making us feel happy from the inside. By consciously practicing gratitude everyday, we can help these neural pathways to strengthen themselves and ultimately create a permanent grateful and positive nature within ourselves.” (The Neuroscience of Gratitude and How It Affects Anxiety & Grief, PositivePsychology.com, https://positivepsychology.com/neuroscience-of-gratitude/)

The very chemicals that were released through repeated exposures to pornography can also be delivered through simple acts of giving thanks. Practicing gratitude. And it can CHANGE your brain.

So we can see how positively impacted the brain is from practicing gratitude. But where does a person begin?

One simple exercise you might consider is saying out loud or journaling 3 things that you’re grateful for every single day. This could be done when you wake up or before bed and doesn’t have to take very long. It’s the genuine recognition of the good things in your life. EVERYONE has the ability to find something to be grateful for. So there you go. Crate a gratitude journal.

In the next post, we’ll zoom in a little bit and specifically look at the role that gratitude takes for a person who’s actively involved in pornography or in recovery from porn. But until then, give thanks for something in your life. It could even be the fact that you woke up with breath in your lungs. Remember, it’s oftentimes the small, seemingly insignificant things that have the ability to turn the ship around and help change your attitude.

Here’s something to be thankful for: Small Groups Online! An incredible online experience that matches you up with a group that meets weekly on Zoom, comprised of other men or women who share similar struggles as you do. With SGO, you’ll quickly find an incredible community of people who can encourage you on your journey to sexual freedom. Check out SGO today!

4 Questions You Should Ask Before Meeting With An Accountability Partner

avatarBy Frank Honess

As I approach twelve years in recovery from a pornography addiction I can tell you that many things have changed in my life. I no longer look at sexually explicit material nor do I desire to. Lustful thoughts that used to race through my brain in my adolescent and young adult years no longer have power over me. I’ve learned the devastating consequences of my behavior and how it was not only affecting me but also those around me. And I’ve found tremendous healing through grace, love, honesty, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to be the man that God is calling me to be.

But one thing hasn’t changed: My incessant need for community. For accountability. For people to see the real me.

I want to tell you a little bit about of my best friends: His name is TJ. He’s 33 years old, is married, and has two children. He’s a driver for UPS. He’s one of worship leaders at the church our family attends. And he’s quite simply one of coolest human beings I know. I love him for so many reasons, first and foremost for his deep love and faith in God.

TJ and I share a deep level of respect for each other because we know each other. And because we know each other, we’re able to care for each other’s hearts.

Oftentimes, we’ll call or text each other throughout the week and there’s one question that many times will arise to the surface:

“HOW’S YOUR HEART?”

And I know that whether the question is coming from me or from TJ, that things are about to get real. They’re about to get honest. Real honest.

Because I believe at the core of accountability is a desire to know and be known by others. And as often as I’ve said this to other men, it bears repeating here: You cannot make it through recovery alone! And further more, we as men cannot live on deserted islands away from real, meaningful relationships with other men.

Rewind back to the garden of Eden. God had created the world. The heavens and the earth. Animals. Plants. Man. But he found it unsuitable for man to be alone. And so he created a “helper” for him: Eve. And while this sets up a specific Biblical mandate for marriage in the Scriptures, at the core of this moment is an inherent need for Adam: companionship. Man was never meant to be alone. This is true in marriage, but it’s also true in our accountability relationships within recovery.

Finding 2-3 people you can invite into your story and regularly meet with is imperative for your recovery. Let me say it again: You can’t recover alone. No matter how hard you try. We’re all designed to live & thrive in the context of community.

So what are some questions that are necessary to ask as you seek out safe & healthy accountability relationships?

1. Is this person a Christian?

I believe the faith background of the people we meet with to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with really matters. Why? Because I don’t simply need good advice for my struggles. I need encouragement, challenge, and support that points me to the person of Jesus. What kind of man is God calling me to become? These are the words and thoughts I need reflected back.

2. Are they spiritually mature?

Determining if someone is a Christian opens the door to further communication with them. But what begins to lead me through that door is understanding their maturity & depth as a believer. Do they have an understanding of forgiveness and redemption? Are they struggling with freedom in their own life in some way? Can you tell the trajectory of their relationship with Jesus? Try and find someone who maybe has a few more years on you as it relates to walking with God.

3. Do they have your best interest in mind?

Are they trustworthy? Can you share in confidence with them that they will keep your story private (barring any kind of risk to yourself or others)? Are they able to not only encourage you, but ask you the hard questions about your addiction? A great accountability partner isn’t just someone who only nods their head and strokes your ego. They will be willing to step on your toes, but always offer to help you back up when you fall.

4. Are they familiar with addiction & recovery?

While they don’t have to be experts or counselors in the field of sexual addiction, it would be ideal for them to have some understanding of how this addiction works. Sexual addiction is very difficult for the person walking through it, but for those who are tasked with offering support, it may be more than they can handle. Some people simply aren’t able to offer the kind of support & encouragement needed. Not for lack of desire, but for lack of knowledge.

Asking these questions are critical before you ask someone to be an accountability partner or someone who you will be regularly sharing your story with. These people may come from your church, a small group, your work place, or perhaps even in your family. The point is to seek them out through the filter of the questions above. Start today!

Small Groups Online provides a powerful opportunity to help you become a man who’s healthy and has nothing to hide. In a weekly online meeting format, you can share your story with others who struggling just like you are. Through safe and healthy community, you’ll learn how to have those important conversations with your accountability partners and others you’re closest to.

3 Ways Love Overcame My Porn Addiction

avatarBy Frank Honess

As I continue to walk in recovery from a pornography addiction, I often remind myself that it is only by love and grace that I’m at the place I am today. Eleven years ago, I received an insurmountable amount of forgiveness from those closest to me, including my wife. And even as I continued to minimize or justify the relapses I would have and the lying that accompanied it, I would experience healing in life. Little did I know then the ways in which freedom would come.

At the age of 16, I invited Jesus into my life and accepted the free gift of salvation He died to give me. And while I thought I was giving Him all of my life, I really wasn’t. My secret life of binging on pornography that had started at the age of 13 only continued, many times late into the night. It wasn’t until the age of 26 that I hit rock bottom and started to walk in freedom & healing. My secrets were uncovered. I had finally chosen to shine light upon the darkest places of my heart.

I truly believe that most of the change in my life has occurred through the love of my heavenly Father and the grace I experienced from others. How does transformation happen in a person’s life? For me, I believe that my life changed through pain, position, and purpose:

    1. Pain — Before I could begin walking in freedom and healing, I had to acknowledge the damage that I had caused myself as well as the pain I had caused others because of my addiction. Throughout the course of my battle with porn, I’d been given so many opportunities to get healthy and yet nothing really stuck. I lived in so much shame and guilt over what I was doing. I was convinced people would think I was a pervert. I’m so thankful to this day that the Lord used even the most painful moments in my life for good. The moment my fiancé slid her engagement ring across the table was one such moment. It helped me to see that I wasn’t healthy. I was sick. And so I think pain was one of the only effective means left for me to see who I was and who I was becoming.
    2. Position — It wasn’t until I literally took action upon my addiction that I began to see any difference. My routine, schedule, and priorities all needed to change. There needed to be movement in my life where for so many years I was stuck in one place. Thankfully, through the help of counselors, pastors, and support groups, I was able to find freedom from the quicksand of pornography addiction. Again, it wasn’t until I got off my butt and took action. I couldn’t wallow in shame forever. Or point the finger at someone else as the cause of my behavior. If I wanted to get better, I needed to embrace healthy outlets for processing emotions and feelings I had long ignored. My position had to change.
    3. Purpose — As funny as it may sound, when I began walking in recovery, I found a passion begin to stir inside for helping others do the same. Strangely, one of the bi-products of my addiction was that it helped me to find purpose in life. Today, I tell people that I sometimes feel like my former porn addiction was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me! It was because I had found a sense of purpose that I felt like I could really be an influence in someone’s life. I could help someone else find the healing that I had found for my life. I believe that is something we’re all called to do in our recovery journey. Get all the healing you can, but don’t let it stop with your life. Be a funnel, not a flask.

As I reflect upon my recovery journey, I can see how love overcame my addictive behavior through pain, position, and purpose. Each one of these ways has been instrumental in helping me take further steps to become the man that God wants me to be. This process continues daily until I take my last breathe in this world. I’m of the belief that it was Christ’s death on the cross that is really what has made my recovery possible. Jesus’ death on the cross has helped me to understand there is no challenge, no circumstance, no addiction too big for God’s love to overcome. How could I do any less than to honor Him with a life of sexual integrity after He has given me so much?

For me, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 sums it up pretty well: “For it is Christ’s love that fuels our passion and motivates us, because we are absolutely convinced that he has given his life for all of us. This means all died with him, so that those who live should no longer live self-absorbed lives but lives that are poured out for him—the one who died for us and now lives again.”

You may be reading this convinced you’re trapped in a vicious cycle that never ends. You’ve tried time and time again to stop your behavior on your own or maybe you haven’t even tried at all. And yet, you feel the emptiness inside. The well inside of your heart has no end.

Believe it or not, there is hope. Whether you feel it or not, freedom is possible. But it can’t be found by yourself. You can’t get better alone. Healing requires that you allow people into your world to see the real you. Do you want that for your life?

Small Groups Online is an incredible opportunity for you to meet others who are struggling the same way you are. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere. Through communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Check out Small Groups Online today!