Navigating Through Grief & Loss In Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

On the evening of Sunday, September 11th, my life and the lives of family would be forever changed. It was the day that I received the phone call that my mom had passed away. In an instant, time stopped and I felt like a little boy all over again. To make this already unbearable news even worst, I was told by my Dad that she had taken her own life.

Nothing can prepare a person for this kind of phone call. And believe me when I say that I wasn’t prepared whatsoever. My wife and I were leading a small group in our home that evening and I was expecting news that my Mom would be coming home from a stay at the hospital. Thinking back now, we must have scared our friends who were with us that night.

As people have asked us how we’ve been doing the last couple months, the answer I seem to consistently give is that we’re navigating. There are good days, bad days, and really, really hard days filled with so many questions and emotions. And yet, in the midst of this life-changing event, I’ve felt my heart lean into Jesus in a way that I never have before. Perhaps I’m an anomaly, but I’m actually not angry with God or angry with my Mom. I know this isn’t everyone’s story, but it’s mine.

I’m thankful also that on this journey that I haven’t chosen to go back to old behaviors and my former lifestyle as someone who lived with a sexual addiction. In the midst of my grief and loss, I haven’t felt the urge to medicate my pain. I believe this truly is a testament to the work that I’ve done over the last 14 years in recovery.

Again, I understand that everyone’s story is different. And that’s why I really wanted the heart of this post to be for encouraging those of you who may feel like you’re not doing so well. Believe me when I say, there is no judgement here. I completely understand that walking in sexual purity while navigating through life-altering trauma can be a serious recipe for disaster for many.

So what are some important things to remember if you’re walking through some kind of loss in the midst of also trying to keep your recovery strong and consistent? How do you stay healthy? Perhaps not a surprise, but a lot of what you will read may not seem radically different from what healthy recovery should normally look like.

  1. Stay in the Word & Worship — Believe me when I tell you that if you’re a person walking in recovery from some kind of addiction AND you’re walking through some kind of loss, be it the traumatic kind or even the smallest kind, you’ll need to be reminded there is always hope available to you. In recent months since losing my mom, continually staying in the Word of God and in His presence has been that hope for me. Jesus is our hope when all seems lost. When there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, He is our light. And the peace that He’s brought to my heart in this midst of this loss and as I navigate through recovery has been so precious to me.
  2. Stay in Community — As in recovery, you want to keep an eye on how much time you’re spending alone. It’s very easy when you’re in a place of loss to withdraw and pretend you don’t need people in your life. When it’s actually the complete opposite that is true. If our relationship with the Lord is any kind of model it shows us that we are beings designed for relationship. Inviting healthy, safe people into our lives helps others to see they can speak into our pain and hit helps us to realize we’re truly aren’t alone. Community is where we were meant to live. That doesn’t mean you have to be everyone’s best friend. But it does mean you should keep a few meaningful consistent relationships always at hand for the tough times.
  3. Stay Aware of Your Heart — It’s time we learned that our hearts are always speaking to us. We have needs, wants, and desires that long to be fulfilled. Not only is this happening as we journey through recovery, but it is intensified as we walk through some kind of loss. If we look upon our hearts as we do our car’s dashboard, then we’ll understand there are moments when we’re low on gas or that we need an oil change soon. What does this translate to for our hearts? Perhaps it’s that we need to slow down, re-fuel our tanks with life-giving friendships or the presence of God. Maybe there routines or rhythms in our lives that need to change. Even as I write these words, I feel the vulnerability and fragility of my own heart. I know there are certain things I will need today to keep moving in a healthy direction. Pay attention to what your heart is telling you.

Navigating through recovery can be really intensive. But couple that with loss and you may just feel like you’re in a war for survival. That’s why the ideas above are really important to keep central in your life. You need to be rooted in what is healthy and nourishing for your soul. Small Groups Online is one avenue you can take to accomplish this! SGO delivers an incredible opportunity for you to cultivate community in your life. Each week, you’ll join an online group of other men or women like yourself who are also walking through their recovery. Your group will be private, encouraging, and convenient as there are many days and times to choose from during the week.

If you’re trying to navigate your recovery while walking through the grieving process or you’ve experienced some kind of loss, there is so much help and support out there. Consider implementing the tips listed above and you’ll be on the road to becoming healthier than you ever could have imagined!

Self Pity Is Shame’s Best Friend

avatarBy Frank Honess

If you’re a child of the 80’s, you’ll probably recognize this phrase instantly:

“I PITY THE FOOL!”

It took me a second, but not much longer, to remember the man with the distinct haircut, multiple rings, and massive amounts of gold around his neck as none other than Mr. T. Interestingly enough, Mr. T’s last name is Tero (I never knew that before the time of this writing). I think all these years I always thought his last name was, unsurprisingly, TOUGH 😆.

Why do I even bring up Mr. T and what in the world does he even have to do with recovery? Because of one word mentioned in that famous phrase: pity.

I don’t know that I’ve thought much about the meaning of that word in life, but I sure have experienced a considerable amount of pity, especially during the darkest years of my addiction to pornography.

What does pity actually mean? Pity is most commonly defined as a deep sorrow, regret, or disappointment over something. Feeling pity towards someone else can signify a sense of compassion for them.

The kind of pity I wanted to focus on in this post is most certainly a kind we’ve all dealt with: self pity. Think about your own life. In the moments and times you’ve felt self pity about something you did or maybe the person you were becoming. What did that do for you? Except make you feel like a bigger loser. I get it. I was there too.

Self pity almost never leads us to a healthy place. I read something interesting just today in my devotions: Self pity eventually leads to self-medication or self-destruction. What starts as sorrow or regret can eventually lead us to a very dangerous place in life.

Is it fair to say that self pity can introduces us to shame? Or at least are they closely related?

I’ve been reading an incredible book by Carl Thomas called “When Shame Gets Real: A New Way to Talk about Sex, Porn, and Masturbation.” Believe me when I tell you that this book has been both well thought out and well written. I love what Carl writes in the introduction:

“Shame cares about one thing and one thing only: suppressing you and everything that matters in your life such as your work, hopes, dreams, and passions. It wants to chase you into a little dark corner where you can stay hidden from the rest of the world, remaining ineffective and impotent.” (Introduction, pg.14)

Shame is a powerful force! And if left unchecked for years upon years, it can really debilitate someone’s life. I know that it did with me. Throughout my four years as a youth pastor, the weight of my own hypocrisy was steadily crushing me. And I remember the intensity of this shame as it reached its pinnacle while dating my wife. I had tried to stop looking at porn on my own without any kind of help from others.

My wife could see through all the lies. And she very nearly left me. Can you imagine that? Losing your marriage before it ever began. That was the place that I was at. At the height of shame. A crossroads where I had the choice: Was I going to continue living a secretive, diminished life or surrender to the very best life imaginable?

I chose a life of freedom. I wish I could say that shame instantly disappeared from my life, but that process took several years of work on my end and support from others who believed in me.

What started as frustration, regret, and disappointment quickly turned into a lifestyle where I thought the problem was me. What was wrong with ME?

This is what shame does. As Carl goes on to write in his book, “shame attacks your very nature and identity.” (Ch.1, pg.10)

Keep a close watch on your heart. When you feel yourself starting to gravitate towards self pity, reach out to someone you trust. The key in these types of situations is inviting others to help you process those feelings and emotions in a healthy way.

So often, if we’re not careful, we can get ourselves stuck in a rut where we’re believing lies about who we are. It works just like quick sand. Before we know it, we’re so stuck that we can’t escape on our own. We need the helping hand of another!

This is what Small Groups Online does by offering you the support and community you need when shame has a grip on your life. SGO offers weekly Zoom meetings on a day and time of your choosing where other men and women like yourself can truly find strength in numbers. Trust me when I say that none of us can make it very far on our own. Check out Small Groups Online today. It’s one decision you won’t regret!

Tell the Whole Truth & Nothing But the Truth

avatarBy Frank Honess

Recently, I had a pretty interesting encounter with a customer at my place of work. The week before, this individual had called in requesting some work to be done at their house. I informed them that I would write up the work to be done and as soon as we could have the owner of the company take a look at it, we would send him. So last week, when they called back in, they sounded frustrated and accused me of lying to them. I probably sounded a little bewildered on the phone simply because I had no idea what they were talking about. The man claimed I told him that I would be calling him back at the beginning of the week when in reality, I never said that.

It doesn’t feel good to be accused of lying. Perhaps it’s because before recovery my life was basically one big lie. Or, it’s probably more likely the fact that over the last 13 years, I’ve worked hard to refine my character & integrity. To become a man who is honest. Who has nothing to hide. And for that to be questioned (even if it had nothing to do with my recovery) felt like it really struck a nerve inside.

I began thinking about one of the most fundamental building blocks of addiction recovery: Honesty. The willingness to drop the walls, drop the facade, and allow others to see inside of your life. A life of honesty refuses to hide, cover up, or deny the truth. It seeks only to be completely transparent, allowing light to shine upon anything unseen.

For obvious reasons, the Bible has much to say about the importance of living an honest life. One such verse sticks out to me in writing about this subject:

“The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.” (Proverbs 12:22)

Notice the incredible contrast here in this verse. I love how it’s implied that the Lord doesn’t associate lying behavior to a person’s identity. While sin’s imprint was upon us even from birth, it was never meant to become our identity. But for the one who lives a life of truth, in this verse, it’s said the Lord “delights” in them. The word delight is closely related to the word pleasure. Think about something that gives you pleasure. Real pleasure. The kind of pleasure that makes you whole. The kind that fulfills every longing and desire you have. This is what a life of honesty, a life of integrity, a life of truthfulness brings to our Creator.

But He doesn’t stop there. If you really think about it, truth and honesty go even beyond our words. Truth must originate from our hearts. This is a sure sign that we have been transformed and are continually being changed by Jesus’ love. Look at Psalms 51:6:

“I know that you delight to set your truth deep in my spirit. So come into the hidden places of my heart and teach me wisdom.”

Notice the writer uses again the word delight. Perhaps our greatest act of worship to God is the truth that emerges from a life that is fully surrendered and has nothing to hide. We all have places in our hearts that haven’t yet been exposed to His transformative touch. As long as we live there will always be these areas. The invitation is for Jesus to come into those spaces. THIS is where honesty and credibility is built. In this verses context, the Hebrew word for “inward parts” can mean “something that is covered over, hidden, or concealed.” This could also be paraphrased as “you desire light in my darkness” or “you want truth to expose my secrets”.

Doesn’t that kind of life appeal to you? It does to me.

I believe that is the kind of person we’re working to become in recovery. You may read these words and struggle to believe that you can become that person. That you can’t be honest with your spouse. You can’t be honest with your kids. You can’t be honest with your friends.

I really want you to read this closely: Nothing could be further from the truth. You have the opportunity to live the kind of life that you’ve never known. And it all could start with one conversation. One confession that becomes the standard for how you choose to live your life. Do you want to live in obscurity and isolation? Or do you want to live with the reality that nothing is hidden and nothing is off limits to the people in your life?

You can make that decision today. Small Groups Online could be the perfect opportunity for you to begin walking in truth for the first time. SGO makes it incredibly easy to become apart of a healthy community of men or women who share similar struggles as you. Through a weekly Zoom meeting at a time that is convenient for you, you will receive encouragement and support for the journey that you’re on.

You can become a person of truth if it’s something you really want. A question that often came to my mind throughout my recovery journey was this: “Am I willing to do whatever I need to do to become the man that God wants me to become?” That answer has and will always be a resounding YES. I’m thankful today for all of the ways the Lord has transformed my heart and helped me to become a person who is pursuing truth every single day.

Measuring Progress In Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

This past week, I read a very interesting thought that someone had regarding the subject of progress. Here’s what they said:

“I wish progress was a straight line. It seems so simple: work hard and see tangible progress as a result. But, as we have all learned at some point in our lives, progress is a line that is so far from straight, it even doubles back on itself sometimes.” (Faith Simmons @thesunalsoreads on Instagram)

I have to admit, each time I read that statement this week, I had to laugh because of the sheer truth behind it. That’s just how progress is. It’s rarely something that’s easy to see, something black and white, something we can even put our hands on. Especially as it relates to progress in recovery. I would even suggest that the greatest “progress” we could ever make in our recovery journeys is completely unseen.

In one of my weekly group meetings I lead, I asked the guys in the group what they would consider to be progress in their own lives. There were many different responses and they were all great. Because you see progress looks different for every person. For one person it may be the goal of getting rid of pornography from their lives, killing the habit of masturbation, & fantasizing sexually about other people. For another it could include all of that, but maybe go a bit deeper: The transformation of deep-rooted pain in their hearts. Or what about the way they view other women or men in their lives?

The reality is that progress can only truly be defined by you. So is there really a way to quantify progress? How do you measure progress? I think you would have to ask each and every person for their own definition. As for me, when I look back at the last 13 years of my life, I can truthfully say I’ve made a TON of progress in terms of becoming free of pornography and the way it controlled by life. I no longer look at porn or struggle with masturbation and lust anymore. But there is still an immense about of progress taking place inside of me. Here’s what I’m still learning:

  • How to deal with stress in a healthy way
  • Combatting fear & anxiety with joy & peace
  • Loving others unconditionally

To name JUST a few. There are many, many more things that are very much still in process. I’ve often shared with men I work with how quitting pornography really isn’t that hard. Any man can do it really. But what is hard is digging below the surface. Excavating the deep places within the heart where pain, trauma, and the really hard stuff lives. If we can just get to that stuff, then we’ll really begin to make progress.

Specific to recovery, what are some reasons we are perhaps not seeing as much progress as we would like in our life? I think there could be many reasons for this, but here are just a couple:

First, the fundamentals aren’t in place. What does that mean? There are specific things every man or woman in recovery needs in order to see long-lasting freedom and healing for their life. Take community for example. How can someone grow in isolation? For me (and every man I know), isolation is a prison. We need to be meeting with and around people who will care for our hearts and ask us the tough questions. Community is a fundamental for success in recovery. As is honesty, accountability, transparency, and vulnerability.

Secondly is the failure to celebrate victories of all sizes. So many men I’ve worked with love to keep a track of their sobriety. And for all the right reasons. But when there is a slip or some kind of setback, there is disappointment. The reality is that slips are going to happen. We can’t escape that. But what about all the ways your mind and heart are changing and transforming? You’re literally building new neural pathways in your brain as you seek what is healthy. Even our slips can be opportunities for growth if we allow them to be.

One last note: I think there is a misperception that progress means perfection. That in order to advance means that there’s no room to be left for mistakes along the way. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Some of the greatest progress in my life came through the bumps and bruises in recovery. The moments where I should have gone left and I went right. The times I didn’t tell the whole truth when I should have. Or tried to hide something when I should have just come clean. These are all seemingly negative things and nothing to be proud of and yet there are huge opportunities for growth in these moments.

One day progress may feel like you’re taking five steps forward. Then, the next day you’re taking six steps backward. Take heart! It’s all apart of the learning process. Don’t give up!

One of the greatest ways you can build some great momentum in your recovery is by joining Small Groups Online! SGO makes it incredibly easy to become apart of a healthy community of men or women who share similar struggles as you. Through a weekly Zoom meeting at a time that is convenient for you, you will receive encouragement and support for the journey that you’re on.

Community Is Not What You Think

avatarBy Frank Honess

Community is certainly one of the biggest buzz words in the recovery field now a days. And for right reason. Finding a healthy community where you can share your life with other individuals is one of the greatest keys to long-term healing.

Why? Because when you elevate vulnerability & transparency over isolation & secrecy, the former will always win out over the latter. Every time.

But as powerful as the word “community” is, I think to some degree it’s been thrown around so much that we lose the actual meaning of the word. What does community actually mean?

I started to think of the root word inside community: “commune”. This got me even more curious. Then, a simple dictionary search came up with a very specific definition:

“to share one’s intimate thoughts or feelings”

Broken down even further underneath the definition is the origin of the word:

“to share”

I definitely wasn’t expecting the dictionary to shed that much light on a term I’ve used so frequently in recovery! But the implications are huge! The kind of community we should experience in recovery is so much more than a meeting. So much more than a check-in. So much more than a bunch of men (or women) sitting in a room talking to reach other.

It’s the literal unveiling of my heart for all to see. It’s being willing to speak the things inside that hurt the most. It’s sharing what makes me angry and what drives me crazy. Community isn’t merely meant to be a social club. It’s meant to be a safe place where we can join our lives with others and we can see transformation happen.

My first true exposure to real community came almost 13 years ago from within a small group of men who met to find sexual purity together. The key word there is TOGETHER. Thinking back on that group, there were some of the manliest of men I’ve ever met. Tough guys to say the least. But one thing every man in this group shared: A mutual respect, love, and dependence upon the group.

We all NEEDED each other.

I quickly learned that it wasn’t just that I needed this group, but that this group needed me. That’s community! And that’s where real life is found. I’ve said it many times (and I’m sure I’ll say it many more) that a man cannot find long-term success in recovery without being apart of a community. Whether that is in person or online.

Zoom and other online video services have made it incredibly easy to share community with others online from the privacy of your own home. I’m so thankful for Small Groups Online, which offers weekly online Zoom meetings for men, women, spouses, pastors, and many others to meet together to find freedom & healing. If you haven’t checked out SGO, go to the website to get a walkthrough of what you can expect from Small Groups Online.

It’s time for all of us to step back and re-examine what we’ve always thought of as community. Community is probably not what you think it is. It’s so much more. And it’s happening as we speak. I want to encourage you to find a few safe, healthy, loving people you can meet with and begin sharing your story with. If you don’t feel like you have an abundance of those people in your life, try checking out a service like Small Groups Online or another online support group or program. They are out there.

You were made to know and be known by others. It’s not easy opening up. It takes practice. It takes time. You can do it. Go do it today.

Can You Feel The Pain?

avatarBy Frank Honess

One of the greatest realities I love about recovery is that there’s always something new to learn about yourself. For example, how a person deals with real emotions and pain in their life will directly affect their long-term outcome in recovery. For me, this has been proven time and time again. Let me explain.

I’m approaching my 13th year in recovery from a pornography addiction that nearly ruined my marriage and was on the verge of ruining my entire life. For 13 years, I was totally unaware of the toll that porn was taking upon my heart and mind. I lacked the understanding, and ultimately the real conviction of what I was doing and how it was affecting me and eventually those around me. I also lacked the tools necessary to fight back. But there was one thing I had that I lived very aware of: Pain.

I was living with a lot of pain: Loneliness, insecurity, fear of the future to name just a few. And I really believe to this day that unprocessed emotions and pain really contributed to my need for comfort. For something that would distract me and somehow take me out of that pain. And so I looked to pyrography to fill that void. But it would never deliver on the promise of being everything I needed. It only drove me further from God and further from people really knowing the real me.

I’m thankful today that I’m not that man that I was in 2009. I’ve lived in freedom for many years and experienced healing that I would have never dreamed of all those years ago. But there is still plenty that I’m working on in my recovery including dealing with what is uncomfortable. What is painful. Negative emotions. Anger. Disappointment. Stress. Frustration.

Recently at my place of work, this was tested. And I failed. There’s really no other way to say it. My response to a frustrating interaction to a customer on the phone combined with some other negative dynamics going on that day in my heart resulted in me getting into a serious funk. Looking back now, I’m really thankful for the drive that followed while delivering parts to one of our technicians in the field. It really allowed me to reflect on what was really going on inside my heart that day.

First, I needed to repent for my attitude. That was most important. I hadn’t conducted myself in a professional manor at all, never mind not delivering on my daily mission of bringing the Kingdom of God to work with me instead of expecting it to somehow magically appear at work! 🙂 So once that was done, I began to try and look deeper as to what was going on, but I noticed an interesting thing occur:

I felt a strong desire inside to create. To imagine. Not to fantasize, but to think of something I could do or say to bless someone. This has happened many times in the past as well when I’ve gotten myself in a dark place. Whenever I began to pray for someone else or think about a creative project, my mood seemed to shift. Upon consideration of this a while longer, I began to ask myself if this was really the right response or not?

Had I really processed my negative emotions (pain) or merely distracted myself from it?

Obviously, the things I mentioned above aren’t inherently wrong or evil in anyway. There are obviously ways worse things I could try to distract myself with, but was I in that moment really choosing to sit with the pain I was feeling for a while in an attempt to try to understand what was happening inside?

As I discussed this with a friend, they shared with me that there is a difference between processing techniques and distraction techniques as it relates to dealing with painful, negative experiences. And to be honest, I’m still not completely sure where I land in one of those two places. I don’t claim to be an expert, that’s for sure.

What I don’t want to do is live with unprocessed pain. And I don’t want that for anyone. Sadly, there are millions of people today that walk around with so much pain in their life and no way to deal with it in a healthy way.

Not surprisingly, unprocessed emotion has been proven to have the ability to affect you physically, opening up the potential for immune compromise and illness.

I leave you with with one final challenge: Feel your pain. Don’t stuff it. Don’t avoid it. Don’t pretend like it’s not there. You’re not fooling anyone but yourself.

Pain is a reality of life that we have to face. We live in a fallen and broken world capable of doing so much damage. None of us make it out of here without wounds. But they don’t have to be open wounds. There is a way in which you can find freedom and healing in the midst of your pain and in whatever form that it may take.

If you’re not sure where to begin, Small Groups Online makes it incredibly simple to find a community of people who, like you, are walking through pain and are learning how to process it in a healthy way. That begins in community. SGO offers you a weekly online support group with many days and times available to best fit your schedule. You can even try out SGO at no cost for two weeks to get started.

Don’t allow pain to put you under. You don’t have to live in the shadows of your past. You can have freedom over life-controlling addictions and compulsive behaviors. Check out Small Groups Online to find the group that best matches your need today!

Creating a Vision for Your Recovery in 2022

avatarBy Frank Honess

Last year around this time, I asked you to envision where you would like to be in your recovery on December 31, 2021. So…..did you do it? Were you able to see with more than just physical eyes the next steps you wanted to take in your journey? Vision requires a deeper focus than just the current state of affairs we happen to be living in. Perhaps you reached the destination you had in mind and perhaps you didn’t. The point is this: In recovery, there will ALWAYS be new ground to take.

What does that even mean? Well, in short it’s that freedom and healing are both immediate and long term. You can become free from pornography when you hit the bottom or when you’re exposed. For many, this can happen in an instant. But it’s the healing of the soul that often takes years — even a lifetime. So we have to always be envisioning where we need to go next in the restoration of our hearts.

It’s also worth noting that having a vision alone isn’t enough. We have to be developing healthy habits that we implement daily. This is how the vision is realized and accomplished. If we’re not literally putting a vision into action practically, it will be nothing more than pipe dream.

In his own way, the apostle Paul spoke to this idea of envisioning when he said this: “I don’t depend on my own strength to accomplish this; however I do have one compelling focus: I forget all of the past as I fasten my heart to the future instead.” (Philippians 3:13 TPT)

As a reminder, Paul was a man who once lived as Saul before his name was changed by God. Saul’s life was marked by the murder and persecution of many Christians before he was miraculously encountered by God one day riding upon his horse. God not only changed Saul’s name to Paul, even more so he changed the man himself. Everything changed in Paul’s life and throughout the years, a man who once hated those who worshipped Jesus became one of His greatest followers. 

While this post isn’t intended to be a Bible study, I would like us to take a look at a few parts of this verse which are very applicable to our journey in recovery for the coming year. Paul is writing very personally to the church in Philippi here.

  1. I don’t depend on my own strength to accomplish this. Throughout his entire life, Paul embraced his imperfection and flaws. He realized His need for Christ and his own inability to grow without Him. We too have to start here in our journeys. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reminded other men (and myself) over the years of their inability to find freedom and healing by themselves. Healing your soul, re-wiring your brain, learning to handle painful emotions isn’t something a man can do by himself. He needs other men to do it! Being apart of community is one of the most foundational things you can do this year to becoming a person of health and wholeness. Small Groups Online is a great place to start building community into your life. SGO is an incredible opportunity for you to meet others who are struggling the same way you are. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere. Through communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity. Check out Small Groups Online today!
  1. I do have one compelling focus. Thinking back on my childhood, my time in school, and even various tests that I’ve taken throughout my life, I’ve always been very determined. I’ve always strived to do my best. Sadly, when I became addicted to pornography for 13 years, I lost all resolve or desire to really want to quit or get better. Nevermind all the shame that porn also caused. And mix that in with the fact that I was scared to death and felt like I had no idea how to get free. It wasn’t until I reached a serious moment of self-awareness of how unhealthy I was and how my addiction was overflowing into affecting and damaging my wife who was my fiancé at the time. I know of no other way to describe than I have dozens of times before but there was a brokenness that occurred within me. I knew my impending marriage was on the brink, but even more so I knew probably for the first time that I was destroying my life. From that moment on there became an unshakable hunger to become healthy. I threw everything I had at my addiction. I became willing to do whatever it took to find freedom. Looking back now, I can truly resonate with Paul’s words. My focus was set. Nothing was going to stop me. Everything was on the line. My wife knew I could do it. And I knew I could too. I’m thankful that that focus has lasted up to this day and continues on. We have to be steadfast on this journey and not allow any compromises. How much is your recovery worth to you?
  1. I forget all of the past. For so many, this is the first major challenge in moving forward in recovery. Because we’re all so wired to focus on not only what we’ve done, but WHO we think we are. I recently wrote an article for XXXchurch entitled, “Facing the Truth About Shame”. In that post, I write about three lies that shame tells us: 1. Shame tells us we’re alone. 2. Shame tries to convince us we’re unlovable. And 3. Shame says we have no future. THESE ARE ALL LIES! But for so many, they get stuck in their past, convinced they are someone they truly aren’t. Shame paralyzes. Not so for Paul. It was truly by the grace of God that he was able to shed a name that was associated with so much death and He accepted the name that was always meant for him. And that is our story too. We don’t have to allow our past to define who we become today or tomorrow. One thing I think is clear: God didn’t erase Paul’s memory. He knew where he had come from and who he used to be. There is a fine line between being trapped by the shame of our past and remembering where we’ve come from. For healing to really take place, we must look back to the decisions we made and the painful experiences we walked through while simultaneously keeping our eye on the person we want to become.
  1. I fasten my heart to the future. I love the climax of this verse. It brings us back around the very beginning of this post. Creating a vision for your recovery journey in 2022. Obviously you and I never had the chance to sit down with Paul over coffee and hear his life story, but I’m betting if we did, we would hear some wild things. And I’m betting you and I would get a clue of His passionate love for Christ and his desire to see the gospel advanced all over the world. This is what his heart was fastened to. Not the failures of his past or his current struggles. Not the chains that would bind him or the pain he would endure. He never lost the vision of why he was alive. We need that same laser-like focus for our lives. No doubt, the early days are difficult. And if you don’t have a recovery plan in place it makes it that much more difficult. But you can be victorious! You can be free! And you can heal! If you really want it.

I pray that 2022 will be the greatest year of your recovery ever. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with how much work there is to do in our hearts. That shouldn’t be your focus. Become apart of a community. Get your devices protected. If necessary, sit with a therapist for a season. Do WHATEVER you have to do to reach your vision of sexual purity. Trust me when I say that the results of your hard work will be worth it. You can do it!

How Practicing Gratitude Can Change Your Brain Pt.1

avatarBy Frank Honess

This month on the SGO blog, I want to begin a two part series on the power of gratitude in recovery.

Over the past 12 years in recovery, one of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten has come from my wife Tracey. Throughout our marriage, during times of great anxiety, fear, worry, and doubt, Tracey has encouraged me to “practice gratefulness”. Practicing gratefulness. You see, there’s something very powerful about adjusting the needle of your heart off of your fears and onto all that you’ve been given.

For me, as I’ve practiced gratefulness throughout the years, it’s helped me to find more contentment than ever! And I believe that could very well be the greatest goals to being grateful is the establishment of contentment & satisfaction in a person’s life.

For many years of my life, I felt deeply unwanted and I also lacked purpose. I had discovered pornography at around 12 or 13 and what began as simply a curiosity delved quickly into a nightly ritual of finding the latest and the greatest thrill that would give me a real sense of fulfillment and control. But unbeknownst to me at 12, porn would lead me on a 13 year cycle of guilt and shame with no end until around the age of 26.

I’m thankful today that I’ve had freedom for many years and experienced tremendous healing from the clutches of pornography. And while I don’t even remotely desire porn anymore, there are still many times I have to dig my heels in the ground to fight for contentment.

Until we realize all that we have and all that we have been given, we will struggle with giving thanks. We will always try to seek out the next thing, the next shiny new object, the next thrill to give us relief. In many ways, we may trade one addiction for another!

You may have not known this, but gratitude has the literal power to change the brain and create new neural pathways. Similarly to how our continual dependence upon porn created literal “ditches” in our brains is the same way that gratitude also has the ability to re-wire the brain.

Specifically, the brain releases powerful chemicals that can actually cause feelings of joy and pleasure:

“Emily Fletcher, the founder of Ziva, a well-known meditation training site, mentioned in one of her publications that gratitude as a ‘natural antidepressant’. The effects of gratitude, when practiced daily can be almost the same as medications. It produces a feeling of long-lasting happiness and contentment, the physiological basis of which lies at the neurotransmitter level. When we express gratitude and receive the same, our brain releases dopamine and serotonin, the two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for our emotions, and they make us feel ‘good’. They enhance our mood immediately, making us feel happy from the inside. By consciously practicing gratitude everyday, we can help these neural pathways to strengthen themselves and ultimately create a permanent grateful and positive nature within ourselves.” (The Neuroscience of Gratitude and How It Affects Anxiety & Grief, PositivePsychology.com, https://positivepsychology.com/neuroscience-of-gratitude/)

The very chemicals that were released through repeated exposures to pornography can also be delivered through simple acts of giving thanks. Practicing gratitude. And it can CHANGE your brain.

So we can see how positively impacted the brain is from practicing gratitude. But where does a person begin?

One simple exercise you might consider is saying out loud or journaling 3 things that you’re grateful for every single day. This could be done when you wake up or before bed and doesn’t have to take very long. It’s the genuine recognition of the good things in your life. EVERYONE has the ability to find something to be grateful for. So there you go. Crate a gratitude journal.

In the next post, we’ll zoom in a little bit and specifically look at the role that gratitude takes for a person who’s actively involved in pornography or in recovery from porn. But until then, give thanks for something in your life. It could even be the fact that you woke up with breath in your lungs. Remember, it’s oftentimes the small, seemingly insignificant things that have the ability to turn the ship around and help change your attitude.

Here’s something to be thankful for: Small Groups Online! An incredible online experience that matches you up with a group that meets weekly on Zoom, comprised of other men or women who share similar struggles as you do. With SGO, you’ll quickly find an incredible community of people who can encourage you on your journey to sexual freedom. Check out SGO today!

3 Ways to Forecast Success in Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

I think one of the most challenging and equally under-appreciated jobs of our day has to be that of a meteorologist. Think about it with me for a second: These men and women devote their lives to studying weather patterns so that they can predict if it will be sunny or rainy on a particular day. They can be highly criticized when they make mistakes and barely noticed when they’re spot on.

What makes one meteorologist better than the other? How does he stand out from the crowd? I think there are a couple factors to consider:

  1. A great meteorologist never stops studying the weather.
  2. A great meteorologist is someone who’s been around a long time.

Commitment and experience. Focus and longevity. They never stop learning.

In the same way meteorologists work hard to predict the weather, we as men and women in recovery have the ability to forecast success in the journeys that we’re on too! We don’t have to struggle endlessly in our journey to become free.

No journey is perfect. There are plenty of slips, setbacks, even relapses along the way. But if we’re serious about what we’re trying to do, we can experience freedom and healing in our lives that we’ve never known before. And a huge part of what that looks like is understanding what makes us tick from day to day. What do I mean by that?

Forecasting success in recovery means being aware of the people, places, and things that can lead us into temptation and struggle. There are internal triggers and external triggers that we have to learn to understand how process in a healthy way. Understanding the people, places, and things that pull you down an unhealthy road would mostly fall into the external trigger category.

Take an inventory of your own life to see what areas you might be missing. Here are some areas to consider as you forecast success in your recovery:

1. PEOPLE – Ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, co-workers of the opposite sex (or same sex), strangers on social media. This is easier to do with some than with others. Perhaps this was a person you grew up with or a family member you regularly see. Maybe there was some sort of trauma or abuse that took place when you were young. Should you disown this person and simply avoid them? Perhaps. But make sure you get professional guidance and help from a trained therapist on how to go about healing in the area of triggering people. One thing is for sure: We cannot hide in caves and bury our heads in the sand trying to avoid anyone who makes us feel uncomfortable. Action Step: If there is a person you are continually triggered by, limit or even discontinue communication with them. Work to fill your life with safe, healthy people who you can grow with.

2. PLACES – This can be anything from a particular location you pass on the way to work to the room in the house that has internet access and a door you can shut. Make it a point to take a new route to work and never isolate yourself from people. I’ve met so many men over the past year that due to COVID have had to work from home. Certainly, for many this isn’t an option. But it also presents with it some challenges for the man who’s already used to hiding in secrecy over his porn addiction. Now, he has to be working 8-10 hours alone at home. It could be a place other than your home that’s really triggering. In that case, the best response is simply to avoid going there. Action Step:  If you find yourself having to work from home for long periods of time, get outside as much as you can. Taking walks, runs, and getting fresh air is some of the greatest steps you can take to refresh your body and your mind.

3. THINGS – This one is the hardest! Triggers are unique to every individual. Some people have more than others. Some have less, but they are equally as powerful. Triggers can manifest in many different ways. A memory, a thought, a word someone speaks, even a smell can contribute to a spiral downward if we’re not careful. Because a trigger can come from almost anywhere it’s important to remember you’re not going to catch every one. Every day, we’re presented with opportunities to grow masquerading themselves as temptations and triggers. In those moments, we have the choice to find a healthy outlet in the midst of our pain.  Self inventory tools like BLAST are a great place to start! BLAST stands for bored/burnt out, lonely, angry, apathetic, afraid, ashamed, abandoned, sad, stressed, selfish, and tired. This acronym will help you put into words what you’re feeling in the moment. Action Step: Perhaps the greatest thing you can do when you feel the pull to look at pornography or act out is to call someone safe, a healthy support person. 

Don’t get caught off guard in your pursuit for sexual purity! Learning yourself, your limits, and your boundaries will help you stay one step ahead on your recovery journey!

Another great place to forecast success is in the company of other men who are on the same journey you are. Small Groups Online makes this opportunity super easy and accessible. If you’re trying to find success on your own, you’re going to get stuck. We were meant to live in community! Check out SGO today for more details on how to get started!

The Single Greatest Reason You Will Fail In Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

That sounds hopeful, doesn’t it?

Picture this with me: What if there was something more detrimental to a person in recovery than a relapse into their sexually compulsive behavior? Believe it or not, there is.

What if I told you that long-lasting freedom from porn addiction doesn’t only hinge on abstaining from watching anymore porn? Sure, this helps break a pattern of addiction, but it’s not number one on the list.

Are you ready for it?

The single greatest reason a person will fail in recovery from a sexual addiction is their unwillingness to know and be known by others in healthy accountability relationships.

Simply put: Recovery cannot become a solo act. Once it does, your chances of becoming a man or woman of sexual integrity instantly disappear. I know, I’m really riding the hope train today! But it’s the truth. Your recovery journey is one that is meant to be shared with others who also struggle the same way you do. There is so much power in knowing and being known by others who are also walking this path!

Here’s something I often need to remind myself: Whether or not I realize I need people in my life, the truth is that I need them. I’m not even the most social person either. I prefer small groups, quiet moments, and experiences that don’t involve a lot of people. But as it relates especially to my relationship with the Lord and my recovery journey, I cannot grow in isolation.

Think with me for a moment about the physical body: God created the body to include everything it needed on the inside and outside to function — two eyes, two ears, two feet, etc. But also for the inside to function correctly with the outside — without the brain, we cannot make complex decisions. Without lungs, we cannot effectively breathe and move. It all was designed to work together. You see my point.

But somehow we don’t think that applies to our own lives as it relates to our own addictions & behaviors. We depend upon others for so many reasons. When it comes to our recovery, we live as remote islands.

​I remember especially in the early part of my recovery — it wasn’t a matter of IF I was going to slip, but WHEN. The reality is that slips and relapses happen even in recovery. I needed healthy people in my life not just to confess what I had done but to hear THEIR stories too! So that I didn’t think I was the problem and I was weird for messing up.

Accountability reminds us that we’re not alone.

Accountability requires you to invite feedback, correction, discipline, and confrontation into your life. It invites others to see the real you and step in when they see an issue that could be harmful for your life. They have complete access because you’re unwilling to hide anything.

I believe there a couple reasons why many individuals don’t seek out healthy accountability for their lives:

  1. SHAME — If you’ve been in recovery for any length of time, I’m sure you understand that one of your greatest enemies to progress is shame. Shame causes us to hide, to bury, & to isolate from people who love us and care for us. I believe this to be the number one reason why so many don’t find long-lasting success in recovery. If the enemy can convince you that you’re worthless and you will never change, why seek help from anyone? That’s what shame does.
  2. PROCRASTINATION — “I’ll call ***** tomorrow.” “I’ll meet with ***** next week.” The constant pushing off what should take priority gets replaced by other demands in our lives. We allow our schedules to dictate us instead of being the ones who dictate our schedules. When you don’t make something as important as your recovery journey, don’t be surprised at the level of your struggle. Establishing safe, healthy accountability sources takes work. It takes time. And it’s worth every second. Stop putting it off.

This certainly isn’t an exhaustive list of why people avoid accountability in their lives, but I believe these are two of the greatest reasons.

Looking back upon the last 12 years in my recovery journey, I will NEVER regret all the meetings, phone calls, text messages, groups, workshops, and other points of contact I made with people who cared about my heart. The value that all these interactions carried in my life were beyond words. Granted, at the end of the day, my recovery journey is totally my responsibility. If I wanted to, I could fall back into my former lifestyle at any moment. But that’s just it: I don’t want it anymore. And I haven’t for a long time.

While I own all of the decisions I’ve made on this journey, much of the credit for the success I’ve attained goes to those I invited into my life. The counselors, pastors, friends, and yes even my wife (most importantly) who knew they could challenge me and ask me the tough questions because they loved me. I’m so thankful for all of them! They are the people who helped me become the person I am today.

If you’re unsure how to find those kind of life giving relationships, Small Groups Online is the perfect place to begin! SGO helps you to find a weekly, online Zoom group where you will meet with others who share many of the same struggles you do. There are many days and times to choose from so finding a group to fit your schedule is really easy.

If you’re trying to do recovery on your own, you’re doing it the wrong way. Do it the right way by signing up for Small Groups Online today.