Give Yourself the Grace You Deserve

avatarBy Frank Honess

Recently, my wife & I were sitting with someone and in the midst of our conversation, this person mentioned two very significant words that my heart latched onto: grace platform. In fact, this person seemed to underscore the incredible importance of building our lives upon a grace platform as we’re walking through a season of grief and loss.

In last month’s post, I shared that on September 11th, we tragically and unexpectantly lost my mom to suicide. It was an event that has impacted my life forever and one that I had no blueprint for. How does someone walk through losing a parent…let alone losing them to suicide?

Tracey & I recently began walking with a counselor for help in understanding how to grieve well. We’ve been blessed to have many people come around us and it was in a recent session that I heard these words “grace platform” spoken to us.

What does this even mean? What does it mean to live my life upon a grace platform? A few summarizing thoughts:

  • It means being kind to your soul in the midst of struggle, pain, or loss.
  • It means rejecting any kind of language that contains the word “should” or “shouldn’t” (i.e. “I shouldn’t be feeling the way I’m feeling or thinking the way I’m thinking”).
  • It means allowing yourself to not only feel what hurts, but lean into those feelings to gain perspective.
  • It means accepting the reality of what IS, not what you think it should be (see, there’s that word again!)

I can’t emphasize enough the power of living upon a grace platform. I’ve found myself over the years learning this for myself and encouraging the men I’ve worked with to do the same. In addiction recovery, the reality is that you ARE going to be triggered, tempted, and walk through moments of struggle. While it’s not healthy to give ourself a pass and do whatever we want, we have to also be kind to our hearts. There is tension when there is transformation because oftentimes it isn’t instantaneous – it’s progressive. This is where grace needs to be applied.

In our current cultural climate, grace is something that is neither easily given or received. If you don’t believe me, just hop over to Twitter for 5 minutes and you’ll see what I mean. That’s a whole other post entirely. We’re not talking specifically this month about giving grace to others. But more so learning to give yourself grace, especially when you walk through something painful.

As we’ve walked through our process of grieving, one of the key passages that has brought us both comfort and tension is found in 2 Corinthians 12:9:

“But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” (The Passion Translation)

Before this specific verse, Paul was writing about some kind of hinderance or struggle he was carrying in life. There’s no specific indication of what it was, but it surely seemed like it was something he wanted to live without. He begs God to remove it from him! And then comes God’s response in verse 9.

“My grace is ALWAYS more than enough for you…

…And my power finds it’s FULL expression through your WEAKNESS.”

From what we lack and feel most fragile in comes grace and power that overcomes it all.

The beautiful reality is this: God’s grace and power works more effectively in our weakness, not in our strength. Within in our brokenness, not in the appearance of having it all together. Within our surrender, not how tough we can portray ourselves.

So if the Lord is ready to give you grace, what’s stopping you from doing the same? Giving yourself the permission to receive His grace. I’ve found this to be incredibly helpful as my wife & I have been walking through grief.

You may be reading this and you’re not actually walking through some kind of loss right now. It’s ok, because all of this applies to your recovery as well. Those who go far in recovery realize the journey it actually is. The marathon. It can be filled with moments of growth, victory, & healing. But within that journey there’s also plenty of struggle. Slips. Relapses. Setbacks.

It requires MUCH grace from the Lord, from our spouses, and especially from ourselves.

Small Groups Online offers the kind of grace platform I’ve talked about in this post. Each week, you’ll be able to join others online in a safe, secure environment where you can be free to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. With NO judgement. Becoming apart of community is so vital for your journey.

This week, when expectations flood your mind of what should or what shouldn’t be in your life, give yourself the grace you deserve. Be kind to your heart. By all means, don’t take shortcuts to relieve your pain. But be authentic with yourself and others of what you’re thinking and feeling.

3 Ways Love Overcame My Porn Addiction

avatarBy Frank Honess

As I continue to walk in recovery from a pornography addiction, I often remind myself that it is only by love and grace that I’m at the place I am today. Eleven years ago, I received an insurmountable amount of forgiveness from those closest to me, including my wife. And even as I continued to minimize or justify the relapses I would have and the lying that accompanied it, I would experience healing in life. Little did I know then the ways in which freedom would come.

At the age of 16, I invited Jesus into my life and accepted the free gift of salvation He died to give me. And while I thought I was giving Him all of my life, I really wasn’t. My secret life of binging on pornography that had started at the age of 13 only continued, many times late into the night. It wasn’t until the age of 26 that I hit rock bottom and started to walk in freedom & healing. My secrets were uncovered. I had finally chosen to shine light upon the darkest places of my heart.

I truly believe that most of the change in my life has occurred through the love of my heavenly Father and the grace I experienced from others. How does transformation happen in a person’s life? For me, I believe that my life changed through pain, position, and purpose:

    1. Pain — Before I could begin walking in freedom and healing, I had to acknowledge the damage that I had caused myself as well as the pain I had caused others because of my addiction. Throughout the course of my battle with porn, I’d been given so many opportunities to get healthy and yet nothing really stuck. I lived in so much shame and guilt over what I was doing. I was convinced people would think I was a pervert. I’m so thankful to this day that the Lord used even the most painful moments in my life for good. The moment my fiancé slid her engagement ring across the table was one such moment. It helped me to see that I wasn’t healthy. I was sick. And so I think pain was one of the only effective means left for me to see who I was and who I was becoming.
    2. Position — It wasn’t until I literally took action upon my addiction that I began to see any difference. My routine, schedule, and priorities all needed to change. There needed to be movement in my life where for so many years I was stuck in one place. Thankfully, through the help of counselors, pastors, and support groups, I was able to find freedom from the quicksand of pornography addiction. Again, it wasn’t until I got off my butt and took action. I couldn’t wallow in shame forever. Or point the finger at someone else as the cause of my behavior. If I wanted to get better, I needed to embrace healthy outlets for processing emotions and feelings I had long ignored. My position had to change.
    3. Purpose — As funny as it may sound, when I began walking in recovery, I found a passion begin to stir inside for helping others do the same. Strangely, one of the bi-products of my addiction was that it helped me to find purpose in life. Today, I tell people that I sometimes feel like my former porn addiction was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me! It was because I had found a sense of purpose that I felt like I could really be an influence in someone’s life. I could help someone else find the healing that I had found for my life. I believe that is something we’re all called to do in our recovery journey. Get all the healing you can, but don’t let it stop with your life. Be a funnel, not a flask.

As I reflect upon my recovery journey, I can see how love overcame my addictive behavior through pain, position, and purpose. Each one of these ways has been instrumental in helping me take further steps to become the man that God wants me to be. This process continues daily until I take my last breathe in this world. I’m of the belief that it was Christ’s death on the cross that is really what has made my recovery possible. Jesus’ death on the cross has helped me to understand there is no challenge, no circumstance, no addiction too big for God’s love to overcome. How could I do any less than to honor Him with a life of sexual integrity after He has given me so much?

For me, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 sums it up pretty well: “For it is Christ’s love that fuels our passion and motivates us, because we are absolutely convinced that he has given his life for all of us. This means all died with him, so that those who live should no longer live self-absorbed lives but lives that are poured out for him—the one who died for us and now lives again.”

You may be reading this convinced you’re trapped in a vicious cycle that never ends. You’ve tried time and time again to stop your behavior on your own or maybe you haven’t even tried at all. And yet, you feel the emptiness inside. The well inside of your heart has no end.

Believe it or not, there is hope. Whether you feel it or not, freedom is possible. But it can’t be found by yourself. You can’t get better alone. Healing requires that you allow people into your world to see the real you. Do you want that for your life?

Small Groups Online is an incredible opportunity for you to meet others who are struggling the same way you are. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere. Through communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Check out Small Groups Online today!