Listening To Your Emotions

avatarBy Frank Honess

Throughout our lives, we are trained to listen to a vast multitude of voices. Voices that have a powerful influence upon us. These voices can come from parents, siblings, family members, friends, and co-workers. Depending on the household in which we were raised, those voices determine in many ways the path we find ourselves on in our adolescent years all the way through becoming an adult. Some are incredibly healthy and life-giving while others can be destructive.

This month, I want to switch gears just a little bit and talk about a different voice. One you may not be totally familiar with: The voice of your emotions. Yes, believe it or not, your emotions have a voice and the real question is this: Are you listening?

As a young boy, I was loved by two wonderful parents with all the intentions in the world of caring for me the best they could. And they did. Unfortunately, there were things I lacked as a child, a teenager, and even as a young adult. I don’t blame my parents at all for this. They did the best they could with what they knew and who they were at the time. One thing I felt like I lacked is the focus of this post: A fundamental understanding of my emotions and how to process them in a healthy way.

You may be asking yourself, “How do you really teach someone to understand their emotions?” Trust me, I don’t have all the answers in this article. As a parent to an 8 year old and a 6 year old, I feel like I’m in training every single day! Some days I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface in my own life. But for the last 13 years, I’ve been on a journey to better understand my heart (i.e. my desires, my feelings, and yes my emotions).

Emotions are tricky. They are beautiful servants hard-wired into us by our Creator. Conversely, they are horrible masters. For the longest time in my life, I was enslaved to how I felt in the moment with very little understanding over what I was feeling. This led to a long addiction to pornography, fantasy, masturbation, and acting out in relationships. I was chasing the white rabbit. Something to bring relief from loneliness, pain, anxiety, fear, and anger.

I didn’t understand what my emotions were trying to tell me. Because I wasn’t listening. I didn’t know how to listen.

Recently, I stumbled across a post from Soul Shepherding (@soulshepherding on Instagram):

It would have been a miracle if I had even known how to name the emotions I felt as a young person. And yet, I believe that was the problem I faced for so long. Instead of knowing what action to take upon emotions that have the potential to quickly spiral me in a dark place, I would instead try to numb the emotion, stuff the emotion down using porn or some other kind of fantasy.

Obviously, this never worked.

Learning to listen to what your emotions are trying to tell you isn’t easy. I would even venture to say it’s an art. But as we learn what powerful feelings like anxiety, fear, emptiness, and anger are trying to tell us, we will discover what our souls are actually craving.

It’s been said that for an addict, pornography (or alcohol, drugs, etc.) isn’t the sole problem, but only a symptom of a deeper problem. If that is the case, then running from emotions is also a sign of some kind of fracture in our heart.

It’s 100% guaranteed we won’t get out of this life without experiencing something painful. So what are we responsible for?

I’m responsible to both listen to my emotions and be led by the Spirit of God. They must both accompany each other for health and wholeness to take place. The old saying, “Follow your heart” couldn’t be further from the truth. Embrace your emotions. Listen to your feelings. But don’t make unhealthy choices based out of emotion.

It’s a balancing act for sure. And it takes work, but we can become emotionally mature human beings. People who aren’t controlled by their emotions and also not detached from them. There needs to be a middle ground where we listen the voice of our emotions but also make choices that are healthy and lead to life. You might be asking, “Where do I begin?” Here’s a few places to start:

  1. Journaling — Writing may not be your favorite thing to do, but keeping a journal isn’t about length. Even if you were to write one sentence a day detailing how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking, that’s a great place to start. What does the state of your heart look like from day to day? Try it today. Here’s a prompt to begin: “Today, I am feeling…” The goal of journaling isn’t to write a book or make it sound scholarly. It’s a space where you can be completely honest with yourself and the Lord.
  2. [Healthy] Friendships — Notice I didn’t just say friendship. Who are the people in your life who you would consider healthy and in turn care about your heart? Don’t mistake health for perfection. One is possible in life and the other isn’t. We’re all in process, but perhaps there are some individuals at church or small group who you should make contact with and arrange coffee or lunch together. Finding a place you can thrive in community with others is one of the greatest things you can do.
  3. Counseling — It’s become a very normal practice for people to spend time with a counselor solely for “maintenance”.  Spending a season with a therapist doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. There’s no shame in in giving your heart the attention it deserves. A person who is specialized in working with people can help you target areas in your heart that need work and attention.

There may be a step you need to take today that’s not on this list. The point is this: Don’t ignore your emotions and what they are trying to tell you. Just like the lights on our car’s dashboard tell us what’s going on underneath the hood, so do our feelings often point to something happening in our heart. People work so hard on their physical bodies and yet ignore what’s going on on the inside. Become a student of your own emotional health. Years down the road you’ll look back and thank yourself that you did so.

Community Is Not What You Think

avatarBy Frank Honess

Community is certainly one of the biggest buzz words in the recovery field now a days. And for right reason. Finding a healthy community where you can share your life with other individuals is one of the greatest keys to long-term healing.

Why? Because when you elevate vulnerability & transparency over isolation & secrecy, the former will always win out over the latter. Every time.

But as powerful as the word “community” is, I think to some degree it’s been thrown around so much that we lose the actual meaning of the word. What does community actually mean?

I started to think of the root word inside community: “commune”. This got me even more curious. Then, a simple dictionary search came up with a very specific definition:

“to share one’s intimate thoughts or feelings”

Broken down even further underneath the definition is the origin of the word:

“to share”

I definitely wasn’t expecting the dictionary to shed that much light on a term I’ve used so frequently in recovery! But the implications are huge! The kind of community we should experience in recovery is so much more than a meeting. So much more than a check-in. So much more than a bunch of men (or women) sitting in a room talking to reach other.

It’s the literal unveiling of my heart for all to see. It’s being willing to speak the things inside that hurt the most. It’s sharing what makes me angry and what drives me crazy. Community isn’t merely meant to be a social club. It’s meant to be a safe place where we can join our lives with others and we can see transformation happen.

My first true exposure to real community came almost 13 years ago from within a small group of men who met to find sexual purity together. The key word there is TOGETHER. Thinking back on that group, there were some of the manliest of men I’ve ever met. Tough guys to say the least. But one thing every man in this group shared: A mutual respect, love, and dependence upon the group.

We all NEEDED each other.

I quickly learned that it wasn’t just that I needed this group, but that this group needed me. That’s community! And that’s where real life is found. I’ve said it many times (and I’m sure I’ll say it many more) that a man cannot find long-term success in recovery without being apart of a community. Whether that is in person or online.

Zoom and other online video services have made it incredibly easy to share community with others online from the privacy of your own home. I’m so thankful for Small Groups Online, which offers weekly online Zoom meetings for men, women, spouses, pastors, and many others to meet together to find freedom & healing. If you haven’t checked out SGO, go to the website to get a walkthrough of what you can expect from Small Groups Online.

It’s time for all of us to step back and re-examine what we’ve always thought of as community. Community is probably not what you think it is. It’s so much more. And it’s happening as we speak. I want to encourage you to find a few safe, healthy, loving people you can meet with and begin sharing your story with. If you don’t feel like you have an abundance of those people in your life, try checking out a service like Small Groups Online or another online support group or program. They are out there.

You were made to know and be known by others. It’s not easy opening up. It takes practice. It takes time. You can do it. Go do it today.

Can You Feel The Pain?

avatarBy Frank Honess

One of the greatest realities I love about recovery is that there’s always something new to learn about yourself. For example, how a person deals with real emotions and pain in their life will directly affect their long-term outcome in recovery. For me, this has been proven time and time again. Let me explain.

I’m approaching my 13th year in recovery from a pornography addiction that nearly ruined my marriage and was on the verge of ruining my entire life. For 13 years, I was totally unaware of the toll that porn was taking upon my heart and mind. I lacked the understanding, and ultimately the real conviction of what I was doing and how it was affecting me and eventually those around me. I also lacked the tools necessary to fight back. But there was one thing I had that I lived very aware of: Pain.

I was living with a lot of pain: Loneliness, insecurity, fear of the future to name just a few. And I really believe to this day that unprocessed emotions and pain really contributed to my need for comfort. For something that would distract me and somehow take me out of that pain. And so I looked to pyrography to fill that void. But it would never deliver on the promise of being everything I needed. It only drove me further from God and further from people really knowing the real me.

I’m thankful today that I’m not that man that I was in 2009. I’ve lived in freedom for many years and experienced healing that I would have never dreamed of all those years ago. But there is still plenty that I’m working on in my recovery including dealing with what is uncomfortable. What is painful. Negative emotions. Anger. Disappointment. Stress. Frustration.

Recently at my place of work, this was tested. And I failed. There’s really no other way to say it. My response to a frustrating interaction to a customer on the phone combined with some other negative dynamics going on that day in my heart resulted in me getting into a serious funk. Looking back now, I’m really thankful for the drive that followed while delivering parts to one of our technicians in the field. It really allowed me to reflect on what was really going on inside my heart that day.

First, I needed to repent for my attitude. That was most important. I hadn’t conducted myself in a professional manor at all, never mind not delivering on my daily mission of bringing the Kingdom of God to work with me instead of expecting it to somehow magically appear at work! 🙂 So once that was done, I began to try and look deeper as to what was going on, but I noticed an interesting thing occur:

I felt a strong desire inside to create. To imagine. Not to fantasize, but to think of something I could do or say to bless someone. This has happened many times in the past as well when I’ve gotten myself in a dark place. Whenever I began to pray for someone else or think about a creative project, my mood seemed to shift. Upon consideration of this a while longer, I began to ask myself if this was really the right response or not?

Had I really processed my negative emotions (pain) or merely distracted myself from it?

Obviously, the things I mentioned above aren’t inherently wrong or evil in anyway. There are obviously ways worse things I could try to distract myself with, but was I in that moment really choosing to sit with the pain I was feeling for a while in an attempt to try to understand what was happening inside?

As I discussed this with a friend, they shared with me that there is a difference between processing techniques and distraction techniques as it relates to dealing with painful, negative experiences. And to be honest, I’m still not completely sure where I land in one of those two places. I don’t claim to be an expert, that’s for sure.

What I don’t want to do is live with unprocessed pain. And I don’t want that for anyone. Sadly, there are millions of people today that walk around with so much pain in their life and no way to deal with it in a healthy way.

Not surprisingly, unprocessed emotion has been proven to have the ability to affect you physically, opening up the potential for immune compromise and illness.

I leave you with with one final challenge: Feel your pain. Don’t stuff it. Don’t avoid it. Don’t pretend like it’s not there. You’re not fooling anyone but yourself.

Pain is a reality of life that we have to face. We live in a fallen and broken world capable of doing so much damage. None of us make it out of here without wounds. But they don’t have to be open wounds. There is a way in which you can find freedom and healing in the midst of your pain and in whatever form that it may take.

If you’re not sure where to begin, Small Groups Online makes it incredibly simple to find a community of people who, like you, are walking through pain and are learning how to process it in a healthy way. That begins in community. SGO offers you a weekly online support group with many days and times available to best fit your schedule. You can even try out SGO at no cost for two weeks to get started.

Don’t allow pain to put you under. You don’t have to live in the shadows of your past. You can have freedom over life-controlling addictions and compulsive behaviors. Check out Small Groups Online to find the group that best matches your need today!

BLAST: A Guide To Understanding Your Triggers

avatarBy Frank Honess

In all my conversations with men about recovery, one of the questions I ask most often is this: “Do you know what leads you to look at pornography?” And based on the look they would give me, you would think I had three heads! In general, most of the men I’ve worked with over the last several years just don’t have a clue.

Unless we understand what kind of feelings and emotions lead us to act out, we’ll repeat the same behavior over and over again. That’s a fact. For me, it took a while to figure out. But as I looked back over the 13 years that I was addicted to pornography, I observed the patterns I would go through and examine what I was feeling in those years: loneliness, disappointment, stress, rejection, feeling disrespected from people. And I hadn’t even scraped the surface.

Men either discover porn or are exposed to it in all kinds of ways. But what are the triggers that lead us back to the well time and time again? Understanding your triggers is invaluable information that can help you find healing, growth, and ultimately the freedom you so desperately long for.

As a sort of “purity coach” to men and small group leader for many years, I’ve found many beneficial tools alongs the way for helping us understand our internal world. But one of the most useful and practical tools is an acronym called BLAST, which stands for the following:

B: Bored or Burnt Out

L: Lonely

A: Angry, Apathetic, Afraid, Ashamed, or Abandoned

S: Sad, Stressed or Selfish

T: Tired

Each letter contains very accurate words to describe many of the common triggers a man or woman may experience before acting out. It certainly isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a great start to understanding the feelings and emotions you’re experiencing during times you feel tempted.

Triggers can thoughts, feelings, or emotions, but they can also be external environmental factors you haven’t considered. Triggers are unique to the individual. So in that way, they can be virtually anything: a memory, a smell, a person, a location. You get the idea.

What’s important is that you understand what they are and you have a plan on how to deal with them in a healthy way. It’s time to get a game plan! I want to suggest a few ways you can better understand what your most common triggers are:

  1. Retrace Your Steps — Be a detective. Think about the last few times you looked at porn. On average, what were you feeling in those moments? Be specific. Had you just come off of a really busy day at work? Did you and your spouse just have an argument? Or perhaps it was something as simple as not having a whole lot to do that day. Identify what’s going on both on the inside and the outside.
  2. Journal What You Learn — Journaling is an incredible healthy discipline to practice for anyone, but especially for the person in recovery. When you start to discover what your triggers are, they are worthy to be remembered. You don’t want to forget the tings that tend to lead you down unhealthy paths. It’s valuable information! Plus, as you hopefully progress in your recovery, you will want to add to entries like this. Make it your goal to become as self-aware as possible.
  3. Plan For The Future — I regret that I didn’t learn my triggers earlier in my struggles with pornography. As a teenager, learning your triggers isn’t really something you’re thinking about. But I knew I wanted to be free of this stuff. I also tended to veer towards isolation and avoiding solid friendships. So once you know what trips you up, plan for the next time. The question isn’t if you are triggered again, the question is how you will be triggered. And understanding what you can do about is really important.

Here’s some ideas:

  • When you feel bored, offer to help a friend with a project.
  • When you feel lonely, call up some friends to go bowling.
  • When you feel angry, take a few deep breaths.
  • When you feel ashamed, read Romans 8:1 (and read more after that)
  • When you feel stressed, go take a walk or run.
  • When you feel sad, turn on some great worship music.
  • When you feel tired, go to SLEEP! (sleep is great for the brain)

Remember these truths: You aren’t helpless. You aren’t controlled by pornography. You’re in control of what you give your heart to. You must also become a student of your heart — learning what your heart is craving and it needs to be healthy. We’re all on a journey of learning (or perhaps re-learning) who we  really are. The more we do this, the more victory we will find in avoiding the well worn paths our addictions have taken us down for so long.

2 Reasons Why Freedom (Not Sobriety) Should Be Your Goal In Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

One of the most popular terms a person coming out of addiction will use to share their success or failure in recovery is the word “sobriety”. In the mainline culture, it’s probably most widely used in Alcoholics Anonymous and has been for several decades. It’s a widely accepted term in recovery and has spanned to former addicts with other sorts of compulsive behaviors. Nothing about the use of the word or it’s implications is wrong. I just have one question:

Could it be that there’s more to your recovery than JUST sobriety? Is it possible that even when you’ve made considerable progress in your journey to avoid a certain behavior, there’s more healing that could be taking place in your life? More lessons you could be learning about your heart? Deeper levels of wholeness available to you as a person in recovery?

It might just be a personal gripe I have with the word. At the end of the day, it’s probably just semantics. But rarely, if ever, have I used the word “sobriety” as I talk with men about my recovery story. Because I think there’s more to recovery than just sobriety; this picture of just getting by and ticking off the number of days I haven’t had alcohol or used porn.

I believe we can experience FREEDOM. The person who is free from sexual addiction is one who has/is experiencing healing on a much deeper level than just abstinence. And so I believe there are at least a couple specific reasons why freedom matters more than sobriety. If I haven’t lost you at this point, please consider the following reasons:

  1. FREEDOM is about healing your heart while SOBRIETY is about managing your behavior.

In my experience working with men, the ones who do the best are the ones who focus on healing their hearts. This includes their mental health, emotional health, and relational health. They’re revisiting their childhood, their adolescent years, the relationship they had with their parents in search of possible traumas or abuse they may have suffered. They’re learning new ways to process feelings of pain and discomfort instead of retreating into isolation. They’re spending time with counselors &/or a support group of other men who can help them process the damage addiction has done. Recovery is about so much more than managing behavior. Freedom cannot be achieved merely by managing your behavior or abstaining from using porn. In SGO, we call this “white-knuckle” change: The attempt to get better externally by simply gritting your teeth and trying to avoid porn or the feelings that could potentially be triggering. In order for the healing process to begin taking place in your life, you must look inward. You must embrace pain, acknowledge why it’s there, and act on it in a productive way that leads to life.

  1. FREEDOM counts the lessons you’re learning in recovery while SOBRIETY counts the days without using porn.

Close your eyes for 20 seconds and reflect on what you’ve learned since coming out of addiction. If you weren’t able to think of 5-10 lessons in the span of 20 seconds, it begs the question: What is your real goal in recovery? Is it to merely tick off on your calendar all the days that you haven’t acted out? Or is it to become the person that God intends for you to be? They are two vastly different goals. If you’re a financial guy, think about it like this: Just because you don’t file for bankruptcy each year doesn’t mean you have financial freedom. Likewise, you might have racked up 30 days or 60 days without looking at something triggering, but through the process have you considered WHY you act out and what your specific triggers are? Sobriety in itself without the real investigation into one’s heart will not take you very far. Unfortunately, I’ve seen men who have been more prone to slips and relapses because they were unwilling to do the real heart work that recovery requires.

Again, at the end of the day, perhaps it’s just a matter of word play. Freedom and sobriety could very well mean the same thing. I just think we have to be intentional in our recovery and know what our end goal is. Otherwise, we’ll coast along not understanding what we’re suppose to be doing.

Make sure you know what you want out of your recovery. Are you simply in a competition with yourself to see how long you can go without using porn? Or are you entering into community with others who are struggling the same way you are? This is where freedom and healing begin!

Small Groups Online makes it really easy to find community where other men will be waiting to meet with you. Through a weekly Zoom meeting and the Live Free community, you will be given the tools you need to help you find the freedom we’ve been talking about. It’s as easy as going to the website, finding the specific group and time you’re looking for and signing up. Go check out Small Groups Online today!

2 Ways Porn Negatively Affects Your Heart (and what YOU can do about it!)

avatarBy Frank Honess

Pop Quiz: What is your most valuable possession in life? Resist the temptation the answer that question quickly, because there is a wealth (pardon the pun) of things in life that we place tremendous value on. Some very consciously and some pretty sub-consciously.

Maybe it’s your 401K that you’ve been saving for years. Or maybe it’s that beautiful boat sitting in your garage (that you haven’t used in years). Sometimes it’s the really good things life that give great value and worth to: Our careers. Our homes. Our marriages. Our children.

But what if there were something within every single one of us that we were told is our most valuable possession…and we didn’t even know it?! The book of Proverbs says this:

“So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23 TPT)

I love that in this single verse it essentially talks about the very possession we should guard above all other possessions: OUR HEART. We’re told to take care of our hearts. Not just our physical hearts from disease. But the very essence of who we are from unhealthy stuff in this world that tries to sneak in.

Most likely if you’re reading this article, you’ve found yourself in a place like I did where you discovered pornography and you just couldn’t stop consuming it. Perhaps you would say porn ultimately consumed you. Please understand, I don’t want you to feel shamed. I was in that same place for 13 years where I felt incredible guilt and disgust for what I was doing. I didn’t understand the gravity of what pornography was doing to my heart.

Thankfully, this August I’ll celebrate 12 years walking in freedom and healing from sexual addiction. And you can too! But it’s important to understand how pornography negatively affects our hearts to begin with. The effects can be long lasting and very harmful if they aren’t dealt with in a healthy way.

1. Porn teaches your heart to objectify people.

One of the most subversive effects that pornography and other sexually explicit material has upon the human heart is that attempts to teach us that people are simply objects devoid of value and worth. It says that men and women can be used, abused, undressed, and consumed simply because their job is to provide us with pleasure. THIS IS A LIE. The perversion of sexual intimacy isn’t a new concept. It goes back thousands of years and has only become worse in the society we live in. Which is why we need to combat this lie that people are simply meant to be treated like objects.

Psalm 139 speaks of the incredible value and worth of every person, because we have been created by God: “You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside, and wove them all together in my mother’s womb. I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex! You even formed every bone in my body when you created me in the secret place, carefully, skillfully shaping me from nothing to something. You saw who you created me to be before I became me!”

Don’t allow pornography to turn your heart into nothing more than a product. Your heart is valuable and so are the people you’re so tempted to fantasize about.

2. Porn undermines your ability to deal with pain.

The human heart was created to feel an array of emotions. From moments of intense joy and happiness to deep places of sadness and anger. The reality is that we’re all going to experience a vast array of emotions through our lifetimes. The question is: How do we deal with those powerful emotions and feelings?

One of the byproducts of pornography addiction is that it subverts an individual’s responsibility to deal with those emotions in healthy ways. Instead, we run from anything that is painful or even remotely uncomfortable. Boredom, loneliness, anger, stress, and fatigue are some of the most common feelings that an addict deals with. We often used the acronym B.L.A.S.T. (Bored, Angry, Lonely, Tired) in our online group to help us discuss the ways in which we’re triggered. It’s so important that we understand WHY we are driven to act out the way that we do.

A major turning point in a person’s addiction to porn is when they’re able to be honest with themselves about the kind of pain they are medicating with pornography. Pain must be addressed. It must be looked at before any kind of healing  can take place in a person’s life.

Remember, pornography is a problem. But it’s only the medication. The even greater problem is the pain underneath the surface you’ve refused to deal with for so long. That’s what you must get at.

“SO WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT ABOUT IT?” 

Glad you asked! There’s a ton you can do to get your heart healthy from porn addiction. Here’s a quick list:

  1. Find a trained therapist — Preferably one who is certified in sexual addiction therapy. CSAT’s are trained to specifically help those dealing with compulsive sexual addictions.
  2. Get accountability in your life — 2-3 safe, healthy people will really go a long way in your recovery journey. Meet with them weekly at the very minimum for encouragement and so they can ask you the tough questions.
  3. Protect your devices — I can’t tell you how many men I’ve talked with about their addiction that have no software protecting their devices. No filtering. No reporting. It’s almost as if you’re inviting porn to walk through your front door. That’s how easy it can be. Start with some great software that we trust: Ever Accountable.
  4. Join a support group in your community or small group in your church — Community is essential in recovery. We can’t be the men that God is calling us to be by trying to white-knuckle our way to healing. Small Groups Online offers a dynamic solution for this. Imagine a weekly Zoom meeting with 5-7 others men who share many of the same struggles as you. You will be encouraged by others and also have the opportunity to be the encourager in these meetings. Click here to find out more about Small Groups Online.

3 Recovery Gifts You’ll Want To Unwrap This Christmas

avatarBy Frank Honess

Christmas is a few short days away now and before you kick back with your peppermint mocha, while watching way too many holiday Hallmark movies (ok, maybe that’s only a few of you husbands), I want to encourage you this Christmas to not take a break from your recovery journey. The holidays are some of the most triggering times for individuals struggling with an addiction. Research has even shown that the two most popular days for people to flock to pornography is the day after Thanksgiving and two days after Christmas.

Why is this? Well, among many reasons, being around family can very triggering. Perhaps there is some kind of pain related to different individuals at home or maybe a past abuse that occurred. Being far away is just as triggering. In these COVID-10 days we live in, some literally can’t travel to see their families this year. And the stress from that reality is simply too much for some.

Thinking back on the holidays during my addiction, I remember many moments sinking into a hole of disconnection from people and allowing myself to wallow in loneliness and despair. The irony of those of those moments is that the very thing I was running from was what my soul was really needing: a longing to know true love and be known by people.

If the holidays are especially tough for you, I want to encourage you that you don’t have to experience Christmas this year the same way you have in years past. The holidays can be a rejuvenating and refreshing time for you. That’s why there are a few recovery gifts I’d like to give you this Christmas. Make sure you unwrap these gifts before you settle into Christmas and New Year’s.

The first gift perhaps requires the most work on your part…

  1. FOCUS — Maybe you’re a student who just finished mid-terms or you work at a company that just wrapped up a huge project for the year. Focus is probably the last thing you want to do during your Christmas break. I remember feeling so exhausted and burned out coming home for the holidays, I just wanted a break. It’s easy to get sidetracked and super stressed out before and during the holidays — it seems to happen every year! But we really need to pay close attention to what is going on inside of us. Asking yourself questions like, “What am I feeling?”, “What are my triggers?”, “Why am I feeling pulled to act out?” These are all incredibly valid questions to be asking yourself. You have to remember that your greatest treasure is your heart. In Proverbs, it uses some pretty strong language: “ABOVE ALL ELSE, guard your heart, because it determines the course of your life.” Slow down and hold your heart close during the holidays. Stay focused!
  2. CONNECTION — The necessity of being around safe, healthy people during the holidays cannot be overstated. There’s so much life to be found in being with people to celebrate, to laugh, and even to cry. The flip side of the coin is that there can also be disappointment and pain that comes with being around certain family members or friends. But staying connected to your support people is so crucial during the holidays! We’re often surrounded by so many friends and family and yet we find ourselves struggling alone. Make it your goal this holiday season to sit down with people who care about your heart and your recovery journey. Share with them how you’re doing, what questions you have, and seek the Lord together so you can become the man or woman that God wants you to be! There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be alone at times, but if that’s all you’re wanting to do, make sure you check the dashboard of your heart for any warning lights that are pointing to a deeper problem going on.
  3. REST — In what is quite possibly the most important holiday purity tip that impacts our physical and emotional health the most, getting proper rest probably tops the list. During sleep the brain performs so many incredibly helpful functions that we’re not even aware of including: reinforcing the immune system, resetting stress to zero, repairing the body physically, and even correcting traumatic moments that have occurred. That’s amazing! So remember during the holidays the importance of rest. Even when you’re tempted to stay up late into the night with friends and family, make sure you’re getting at least 7-9 hours of sleep. Your brain, your body, and your recovery will thank you!

Throughout my recovery journey, I’ve found these “gifts” invaluable. Another gift in my life has been Small Groups Online. Small Groups Online is an incredible opportunity for you to meet others who are struggling the same way you are. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere. Through communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Check out Small Groups Online today!

3 Ways Love Overcame My Porn Addiction

avatarBy Frank Honess

As I continue to walk in recovery from a pornography addiction, I often remind myself that it is only by love and grace that I’m at the place I am today. Eleven years ago, I received an insurmountable amount of forgiveness from those closest to me, including my wife. And even as I continued to minimize or justify the relapses I would have and the lying that accompanied it, I would experience healing in life. Little did I know then the ways in which freedom would come.

At the age of 16, I invited Jesus into my life and accepted the free gift of salvation He died to give me. And while I thought I was giving Him all of my life, I really wasn’t. My secret life of binging on pornography that had started at the age of 13 only continued, many times late into the night. It wasn’t until the age of 26 that I hit rock bottom and started to walk in freedom & healing. My secrets were uncovered. I had finally chosen to shine light upon the darkest places of my heart.

I truly believe that most of the change in my life has occurred through the love of my heavenly Father and the grace I experienced from others. How does transformation happen in a person’s life? For me, I believe that my life changed through pain, position, and purpose:

    1. Pain — Before I could begin walking in freedom and healing, I had to acknowledge the damage that I had caused myself as well as the pain I had caused others because of my addiction. Throughout the course of my battle with porn, I’d been given so many opportunities to get healthy and yet nothing really stuck. I lived in so much shame and guilt over what I was doing. I was convinced people would think I was a pervert. I’m so thankful to this day that the Lord used even the most painful moments in my life for good. The moment my fiancé slid her engagement ring across the table was one such moment. It helped me to see that I wasn’t healthy. I was sick. And so I think pain was one of the only effective means left for me to see who I was and who I was becoming.
    2. Position — It wasn’t until I literally took action upon my addiction that I began to see any difference. My routine, schedule, and priorities all needed to change. There needed to be movement in my life where for so many years I was stuck in one place. Thankfully, through the help of counselors, pastors, and support groups, I was able to find freedom from the quicksand of pornography addiction. Again, it wasn’t until I got off my butt and took action. I couldn’t wallow in shame forever. Or point the finger at someone else as the cause of my behavior. If I wanted to get better, I needed to embrace healthy outlets for processing emotions and feelings I had long ignored. My position had to change.
    3. Purpose — As funny as it may sound, when I began walking in recovery, I found a passion begin to stir inside for helping others do the same. Strangely, one of the bi-products of my addiction was that it helped me to find purpose in life. Today, I tell people that I sometimes feel like my former porn addiction was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me! It was because I had found a sense of purpose that I felt like I could really be an influence in someone’s life. I could help someone else find the healing that I had found for my life. I believe that is something we’re all called to do in our recovery journey. Get all the healing you can, but don’t let it stop with your life. Be a funnel, not a flask.

As I reflect upon my recovery journey, I can see how love overcame my addictive behavior through pain, position, and purpose. Each one of these ways has been instrumental in helping me take further steps to become the man that God wants me to be. This process continues daily until I take my last breathe in this world. I’m of the belief that it was Christ’s death on the cross that is really what has made my recovery possible. Jesus’ death on the cross has helped me to understand there is no challenge, no circumstance, no addiction too big for God’s love to overcome. How could I do any less than to honor Him with a life of sexual integrity after He has given me so much?

For me, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 sums it up pretty well: “For it is Christ’s love that fuels our passion and motivates us, because we are absolutely convinced that he has given his life for all of us. This means all died with him, so that those who live should no longer live self-absorbed lives but lives that are poured out for him—the one who died for us and now lives again.”

You may be reading this convinced you’re trapped in a vicious cycle that never ends. You’ve tried time and time again to stop your behavior on your own or maybe you haven’t even tried at all. And yet, you feel the emptiness inside. The well inside of your heart has no end.

Believe it or not, there is hope. Whether you feel it or not, freedom is possible. But it can’t be found by yourself. You can’t get better alone. Healing requires that you allow people into your world to see the real you. Do you want that for your life?

Small Groups Online is an incredible opportunity for you to meet others who are struggling the same way you are. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere. Through communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Check out Small Groups Online today!

2 Reasons You Can’t Rush the Porn Addiction Recovery Process

avatarBy Frank Honess

In recent weeks, news about President Donald Trump contracting COVID-19 flooded the internet. For at least a day or two after his diagnosis and subsequent stay at Walter Reid medical center, there was at least some bi-partisan support in wishing the President a “full and speedy recovery.” I can’t tell you how many times I continued to see this phrase written from friends, family members, politicians, & even world leaders who know the President. A speedy recovery.

And while I completely understand the sentiment and the wish for a quick recovery of a potentially serious virus, I began thinking more and more about that phrase: “A speedy recovery.”

It’s amazing to me how many men who come out of addiction believe there’s some kind of fast track in recovery to get on. As if recovery is some kind of fast food drive-through lane. In all reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Recovery from compulsive sexual behavior is one of the most challenging and simultaneously one of the most rewarding journeys a person can ever be on in life.

But the truth a person must embrace about recovery is that it isn’t a quick process. Exposure to pornography and the way it impacts a person’s life is very significant! And so while healing from porn addiction is possible, it takes time for someone to become the person that God created them to be.

So why can’t a person coming out of a porn addiction simply abstain from sexually compulsive behavior and be ok?

I believe there are two important reasons for why we can’t rush the recovery process:

1. Your brain needs to re-wire.

Over the course of years, scientists have studied the brain and understand it more than ever. And research has proven how damaging the effects that pornography can have upon the brain. Each exposure releases dopamine and other chemicals from the reward center of the brain:

“Scientists have long known that sexual interest and performance can be increased simply by introducing something new—like a different sexual position, a toy, or a change of partner. [1]  That’s because the brain responds to new sexual stimuli by pumping out more and more dopamine, flooding the brain just like a drug would. [2]  And “new” is exactly what internet porn sites provide: an endless stream of fresh erotic images delivered at high speed, in vivid color, 24/7. Before consumers even start to get bored, they can always give themselves another dopamine boost just by clicking on something different, something more stimulating and hardcore than before. [3] In fact, porn consumption follows a very predictable pattern that’s eerily similar to drug use. Over time, excessive levels of “pleasure” chemicals cause the porn consumer’s brain to develop tolerance, just like the brain of a drug user. [4] In the same way that a junkie eventually requires more and more of a drug to get a buzz or even feel normal, regular porn consumers will end up turning to porn more often or seeking out more extreme versions—or both—to feel excited again. [5] And once the porn habit is established, quitting can even lead to withdrawal symptoms similar to drugs.” [6]

Because of the tolerance that takes place in the brain, repeated exposure to pornography creates neuro-pathways in the brain. Imagine ditches being dug in a field. A person must continue to find a more exciting, more exhilarating high than they found before. And so the brain is literally wired to view and experience sexual intimacy through the lens of hardcore pornography. Fortunately, scientists have also described the brain as “plastic”, meaning that it can be shaped and ultimately through healthy conditioning, it can re-wire to become a healthy brain.

Your brain is incredibly important in the healing process. And it bears repeating that the brain takes time to heal. Patterns of thinking and response that have been trained for years can often equally take the same amount of time (or longer) to go back to normal. Thankfully, there are many methods of helping your brain to heal, especially when you undergo moments where you feel triggered to look at pornography.

Let’s look at a second reason why the recovery process can’t be rushed:

2. Your heart needs to heal.

Pornography is quite literally traumatizing to the soul. You might think that’s extreme, but that’s exactly the kind of effect that it has upon our hearts. Pornography teaches children and teenagers that sexual intimacy looks and feels a certain way when nothing could be further from the truth. It warps how a person views the opposite sex and teaches them that people are simply objects to be used, not actual God-created lives to be treasured.

Not only does pornography affect how we interact with others, but we use it to medicate our deepest pain. Because we don’t know what to do with feelings like anger, fear, & loneliness (plus a host of others), we attempt to run to someone who will treat us the way we think we deserve. Someone who won’t reject us. Someone who won’t stress us out. Someone who will accept us no matter what.

Pornography is filled with lies. One of the greatest lies that that you can enjoy the immediate gratification of thousands of virtual sex partners and long-term satisfaction of a real relationship. “But even if your partner has no problem with porn, it can still damage your relationship. Studies have clearly shown that porn erodes a person’s ability to love and feel loved with a real partner. [7] When men are exposed to porn, they rate themselves as less in love with their actual partners, [8] and less satisfied with their relationships and sex lives. [9] They become more critical and dissatisfied with their partner’s appearance, sexual performance, sexual curiosity, and displays of affection. [10] ”

Do you see how much the heart is impacted by porn addiction? Do you see the effects it can have upon the brain? It’s no wonder that we must give our recovery the time it needs and not try to rush the process. Some have said that our recovery journey takes blood, sweat, and tears if we want to see long-term success.

But there’s good news! You don’t have to walk through recovery alone. Small Groups Online helps men find community with other men who are also walking through the same struggles involving pornography addiction, masturbation, & any other sexually compulsive behavior. Each week, you’ll have the opportunity to meet online with a group of men who can help encourage and support you on your journey.

Citations

1. Dewsbury, D. A., (1981). Effects of novelty of copulatory behavior: The Coolidge effect and related phenomena. Psychological Bulletin, 89(3), 464-482. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.89.3.464; Wilson, J. R., Kuehn, R. E., and Beach, F. A. (1963). Modification in the sexual behavior of male rats produced by changing the stimulus female. Journal of Comparative and Physiological Psychology, 56, 636-644. doi:10.1037/h0042469

2. Negash, S., Van Ness Sheppard, N., Lambert, N. M., & Fincham, F. D. (2016). Trading Later Rewards for Current Pleasure: Pornography Consumption and Delay Discounting. The Journal of Sex Research, 53(6), 698-700. doi:10.1080/00224499.2015.1025123; Banca, P., et al. (2016). Novelty, conditioning, and attentional bias to sexual rewards. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 72, 91-101. doi:10.1016/j.jpsychires.2015.10.017

3. Park, B. Y., et al. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports. Behavioral Sciences, 6: 17. doi.10.3390/bs6030017; Negash, S., Van Ness Sheppard, N., Lambert, N. M., & Fincham, F. D. (2016). Trading Later Rewards for Current Pleasure: Pornography Consumption and Delay Discounting. The Journal of Sex Research, 53(6), 698-700. doi:10.1080/00224499.2015.1025123

4. Pitchers, K. K., et al. (2013). Natural and Drug Rewards Act on Common Neural Plasticity Mechanisms with DeltaFosB as a Key Mediator. Journal of Neuroscience, 33(8), 3434-3442. doi:10.1523/JNEUROSCI.4881-12.2013; Angres, D. H., & Bettinardi-Angres, K. (2008). The Disease of Addiction: Origins, Treatment, and Recovery. Disease-a-Month 54, 696–721. doi:10.1016/j.disamonth.2008.07.002; Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself. New York: Penguin Books; Paul, P. (105). Paul, P. (2007). Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families. New York: Henry Hold and Co. (75).

5. Banca, P., et al. (2016). Novelty, conditioning, and attentional bias to sexual rewards. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 72, 91-101. doi:10.1016/j.jpsychires.2015.10.017; Zillmann, D. (2000). Influence of Unrestrained Access to Erotica on Adolescents’ and Young Adults’ Dispositions Toward Sexuality. Journal of Adolescent Health, 27(2), 41–44. doi:10.1016/S1054-139X(00)00137-3

6. Angres, D. H., & Bettinardi-Angres, K. (2008). The Disease of Addiction: Origins, Treatment, and Recovery. Disease-a-Month, 54, 696–721. doi:10.1016/j.disamonth.2008.07.002; Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself. (106-107) New York: Penguin Books; Berridge, K. C., & Robinson, T. E. (2002). The Mind of an Addicted Brain: Neural Sensitization of Wanting Versus Liking. In J. T. Cacioppo, et al. (Eds.) Foundations in Social Neuroscience . Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press. (565–72).

7. Park, B. Y., et al. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports. Behavioral Sciences, 6, 17. doi:10.3390/bs6030017; Voon, V., et al. (2014). Neural Correlates of Sexual Cue Reactivity in Individuals with and without Compulsive Sexual Behaviors, PLoS ONE, 9(7), e102419. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0102419; Kalman, T. P., (2008). Clinical Encounters with Internet Pornography, Journal of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry, 36(4), 593-618. doi:10.1521/jaap.2008.36.4.593; Henline, B. H., Lamke, L. K., & Howard, M. D. (2007). Exploring perceptions of online infidelity. Personal Relationships, 14, 113-128. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2006.00144.x; Stack, S., Wasserman, I., & Kern, R. (2004). Adult social bonds and the use of Internet pornography. Social Science Quarterly, 85, 75-88. doi:10.1111/j.0038-4941.2004.08501006.x; Schneider, J. P. (2000). Effects of cybersex addiction on the family: Results of a survey. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 7, 31-58. doi:10.1080/10720160008400206[9]

8. Bridges, A. J. (2010). Pornography’s Effect on Interpersonal Relationships. In Stoner, J. & Hughes, D. (Eds.), The Social Cost of Pornography: A Collection of Papers (pp. 89-110). Princeton, NJ: Witherspoon Institute; Kendrick, D., Gutierres, S., & Goldberg, L. (1989). Influence of popular erotica on judgments of strangers and mates. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 25, 159-167. doi:10.1016/0022-1031(89)90010-3

9. Perry, S. L. (2017) Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence from Longitudinal Data. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 549-559. doi: 10.1007/s10508-016-0770-y; Wery, A., & Billieux, J. (2016). Online sexual activities: An exploratory study of problematic and non-problematic usage patterns in a sample of men. Computers in Human Behavior, 56, 257-266. doi:10.1016/j.chb.2015.11.046; Minarcik, J., Wetterneck, C. T., & Short, M. B. (2016). The effects of sexually explicit material use on romantic relationship dynamics. Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 5(4) 700-707. doi: 10.1556/2006.5.2016.078; Poulsen, F. O., Busby, D. M., & Galovan, A. M. (2013). Pornography use: who uses it and how it is associated with couple outcomes. Journal of Sex Research 50(1), 72-83. doi:10.1080/00224499.2011.648027; Morgan, E. M. (2011). Associations between Young Adults’ Use of Sexually Explicit Materials and Their Sexual Preferences, Behaviors, and Satisfaction. Journal of Sex Research, 48(6), 520-530. doi:10.1080/00224499.2010.543960; Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Alone or Together: Associations with Relationship Quality. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 441-448. doi:10.1007/s10508-009-9585-4; Yucel, D. & Gassanov, M. A. (2010). Exploring actor and partner correlates of sexual satisfaction among married couples. Social Science Research, 39(5), 725-738. doi:10.1016/j.ssresearch.2009.09.002

10. Zillmann, D. and Bryant, J. (1988). Pornography’s Impact on Sexual Satisfaction. Journal of Applied Social Psychology 18, 5: 438–53. doi:10.1111/j.1559-1816.1988.tb00027.x