Learning to Be Honest With Yourself and Others

avatarBy Frank Honess

Is it ok if I begin this month’s post with an honest confession?

I hate peeling onions. And when I say “hate”, I mean that in the strongest sense of the word. Sometimes, I think waterboarding or having my finger nails ripped off might be a more comfortable form of torture than peeling an onion. Once that outer layer is taken off and the aroma sneaks into my sinuses it’s game over. Complete waterworks from virtually every orifice in my head.

But do you know what the crazy thing is about onions? I LOVE eating them.

How is it that someone can practically melt when they’re peeling onions, but want to pile on more on their plate to consume? It’s weird, I know.

Don’t worry, you didn’t come to the SGO blog this month to read about my love/hate relationship with onions. What I really want to talk a little about is something else I’m in love with: Honesty. And believe it or not, it actually has way more to do with peeling an onion than you might think.

One of the things I’ve learned over the last 15 years working with men go from addiction to recovery is how much cultivating honesty with themselves and others is so much like peeling an onion. The process often takes place over the course of time, peeling back one layer at a time. It’s almost always a painful process for the man to go through as well as for his wife if he is married.

The problem I often find is the love/hate relationship most people have with being honest. It’s something they want in their lives, but often not something they’re willing to pay the price for. And believe me, there is a cost to being honest. The question simply becomes: Are you willing to be honest now or will you be forced to be honest later? Two different scenarios with two vastly different consequences.

But once a man can enjoy the fact that he isn’t hiding anything anymore and that he can be honest with those around him about his struggles, he’s able to enjoy the fruit (the onion) that comes about from full transparency. I remember when I came to the place in my life that I was willing to be completely honest with myself and others. There’s no feeling like it. Especially when all you’ve done for 13 years is hide behind shame and guilt.

I have the incredible honor of leading a Wednesday night group for Small Groups Online. The men in this group are some of the greatest dudes I’ve ever known. I have the utmost respect for the work they are doing to take care of their hearts and walk in purity. But it hasn’t been easy. And there are a few guys who are really walking through it right now in terms of finally getting honest with their wives regarding their struggles. It’s taken them a while and some are suffering the consequences, but they haven’t fainted from the goal of becoming the men that God has created them to be.

If we’re to truly know each other and be known, we have to learn to be honest with each other. Listen to what is says in Galatians 6:2 TPT:

”Love empowers us to fulfill the law of the Anointed One as we carry each other’s troubles.“

See, I believe honesty is rooted in our ability to love ourselves and other people well. If you know that I love you, you will allow me to see inside your world. We were designed to help lighten the load of other people as they walk through the issues of life.

Small Groups Online offers an incredible opportunity for you to get to know others who deal with both similar and different struggles than you. Everyone in SGO walks shoulder to shoulder in an environment where you can be completely honest about your addiction and your recovery. No judgement whatsoever. If you’ve never really invited community into your life, SGO is the perfect place to start. Check it out today!

The men who I’ve worked with who have found long term success in recovery are those who have been able to be the most honest with themselves and those closest to them. Point blank. It doesn’t mean they don’t make mistakes or have set backs. It just means they will no longer hide in the shadows of shame where they created a wall between themselves and others who care.

Take your first, real step of truthfulness toady by calling that person you’ve been meaning to talk to but haven’t. No more excuses. Honesty is waiting for you. Are you ready for it?

The Weaker I Feel, The Stronger I Become

avatarBy Frank Honess

‘But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me. So I’m not defeated by my weakness, but delighted! For when I feel my weakness and endure mistreatment—when I’m surrounded with troubles on every side and face persecution because of my love for Christ—I am made yet stronger. For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s power.’– 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Recently, I took a fresh look at one of my favorite passages of Scripture where Paul, the author of almost half of the books in the entire Bible, writes about a “thorn” or some kind of weakness that he suffered to keep him humble. Historically, we don’t know what the weakness was that he spoke of, only that it tormented him. He prayed three different times for God to remove this weakness from his life. The only response he receives from the Lord: “My grace is always more than enough for you.” Or it could be said: “My grace is continuously sufficient IN you”.

What does that even mean? And what does it have to do with addiction and recovery? Actually, it has everything to do with recovery.

You and I live in a culture of independence. In large part, no one likes to be seen as having a flaw or a crack in the armor. Plainly speaking, weakness isn’t deemed a very popular character trait. We want others to perceive us as having our stuff together. And while the desire to be strong isn’t bad, our true lives rarely align with that wish. The universal factor that we all share within the human race is pain. And that pain stems from a million different sources including trauma, abuse, addiction, loss, and mental illness just to name a few.

The bottom line is this: We live in a world that refuses to be portrayed as weak. And yet, Scripture speaks the value of owning your weakness and allowing God to work through it. There’s no shame in admitting you have a weakness. That you’re flawed. That you’re broken. That you can’t live this life by yourself. Remember what Paul said:

“So I’m not defeated by my weakness, but delighted. For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s power.”

Now that we’ve explored what this verse means, how does it apply to our recovery journey?

I recently read a really great thought from a devotional, which said:

“In my weaknesses are opportunities for connection (one cannot heal alone), transformation and healing. I cannot say that I always delight in them, but I am leaning into them. Because it’s when we attend to our weaknesses (individually and communally), that we are most strong.” (DVO)

Wow! What a thought! The idea that our weaknesses, our sins, our addictions don’t have to be things that sink us. We don’t have to be defined by those things. What they do is instead point to the reality that we can’t get healthy by ourselves. We were never meant to! Which is specifically why Small Groups Online is helping thousands of men, women, pastors, & spouses every day. SGO gives you the opportunity to meet with others who are walking through the same kind of pain you’re walking through in an encouraging environment which will help you process addiction, betrayal, and recovery. Check out SGO today!

Over the last 15 years I’ve found that the men who tend to struggle the most in recovery are the ones who are the most disconnected from community — whether that be communication with their wives, relationships with other men in their church family, accountability relationships, or maybe even their SGO group.

Remember: We were never meant to heal in isolation. It just doesn’t happen

Paul knew exactly where he stood. He was a deeply flawed man (just like you and I). And he owned the fact that his weakness was exactly the place where God could work inside him. It was the breeding ground for transformation. For healing. And for experiencing God in a way he never had before. And so Paul experienced the power of God’s grace which strengthened him in his weakest moments.

You and I can experience that same kind of power as well. First, we have to acknowledge where we are weak. Second, we have to use those moments as opportunities to allow God to minister to our weakness. One of the specific ways God ministers to our weakness is through community. He sends people our way who care enough about our heart to ask how we’re really doing. Somehow, they’re able to cut through the BS and continue to love us. But WE are the ones who have to make the choice to allow those people in.

Let God have all access to your weakness and you will surely discover a strength that you never knew existed.

Four Lies We Tell Ourselves in Addiction

avatarBy Frank Honess

When someone decides to come out of an addiction that has consumed years of their life, there has to be some re-wiring and some re-training that’s done in the mind. This can be seen with any kind of habit or pattern in a person’s life. The more you do something, the more comfortable you are continuing to do it. Your mind adapts to the “new” and the pleasure that it brings. So there’s a change in behavior that needs to happen.

But I would suggest it’s not even the behavior that’s the most important factor as much as it’s the mindset. The thinking. How do I think about myself? What do I believe about myself? These questions are supremely important if a person wants to break the stronghold of addiction in their life. Oftentimes (or should I say probably 100% of the time?) there are lies we begin to believe. Because we have practiced something so self-destructive for so long, we tend to make agreements with things that aren’t true. Some lies are very subtle and some can be very blatant.

This month, I wanted to address four specific lies that we tell ourselves in recovery. There’s no way to capture all of the lies we believe but I think these are probably four of the most common ones out there:

LIE #1: “PORN IS HARMLESS” — Perhaps one of the most dangerous lies a person can ever believe is that there’s nothing wrong with consuming manufactured images of hardcore sexual acts, which are often forced and considered by many to be abusive. Just consider the following statistics from Covenant Eyes:

    • 90% of teens and 96% of young adults are either encouraging, accepting, or neutral when they talk about porn with their friends.
    • Teens and young adults 13-24 believe not recycling is worse than viewing pornography.
    • Just 55% of adults 25 and older believe porn is wrong.
    • Only 43% of teens believe porn is bad for society, compared to 31% of young adults 18-24, 51% of Millennials, 44% Gen-Xers, and 59% of Boomers.

These numbers are startling! And yet, it’s a telling indicator as to where our culture stands on this issue. Sadly, the Church isn’t exempt from many of these numbers because we haven’t properly taught about how pornography can affect our thinking, our view of the opposite sex, and our relationships with each other.

LIE #2: “PORN ENHANCES MY MARRIAGE” — Equally as dangerous as the previous lie (and even more foolish) is the belief that some how porn will help to restore excitement and passion between you and your spouse. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve worked with many men who’ve used porn WITH their spouse. What really is the difference between one person viewing porn and two people? Pornography only creates a false reality of love. There’s nothing intimate about using someone as an object. This reality is only magnified when a husband and a wife think it will draw them closer.

This according to Focus on the Family:

“Marital sexuality is to be radically exclusive. So, pornography not only decreases true intimacy in marriage but actually prevents it. Introducing pornography into your marriage, whether viewing it together or alone, has the same effect as bringing in a third party. God’s ideal for sexual intimacy in marriage is for one man and one woman for life. Even though porn isn’t a relationship with a physical person, the result is just as destructive as having an affair.”

Never fall for the lie that somehow pornography will take you and your spouse to deeper levels of sexual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.

Whereas the first two lies are ones that tend to be exhibited from culture (and the Church), the last two lies are much more universal to most porn addicts. The next two lies are incredibly self-destructive if they are believed long enough.

LIE #3: “IF PEOPLE REALLY KNEW ME, THEY WOULDN’T LOVE ME” — Looking back, I think this was the greatest lie I ever fell for in addiction. The belief that beneath the surface, I was really unlovable. That if people saw the “real” Frank, they would turn in the opposite direction and take off. Part of this lie was rooted in the ignorance over my sin. In the lack of understanding on how to get free. Who was I supposed to talk to? What was I supposed to tell them? Where would I even start to find freedom and healing from something that had consumed years of my life? These questions raged inside as the cycle of addiction continued.

My confession of porn use came during a counseling appointment regarding a relationship that had gone south. As the counselor & I talked about the relationship, he began to ask me a series of questions — one of which included whether I had ever looked at pornography before. It was the first time someone had ever directly asked me that question since the addiction began. Because I felt a sense of safety and acceptance from him, I told him the truth. And with no judgement, he continued to ask thoughtful questions. He never turned his back on me or treated me any different. He and I remain friends to this day. I’m grateful that our relationship in many ways felt like a catalyst…a turning point towards a new way of living for me.

LIE #4: “I’M ALWAYS GOING TO BE THIS WAY” — For someone who’s been struggling with addiction for years, this lie has the potential to be the last nail in the coffin if left unchecked. This particular lie falls especially into the category of what are called agreements. Agreements contain words like “always” and “never”. Statements based solely in false perception, not truth. And with a mindset like this one, growth is virtually impossible because the decision had already been made ahead of time.

A promise that I love to return to often in Scripture is found in 2 Corinthians 5:17. I particularly like the way The Passion Translation says it:

“Now, if anyone is enfolded into Christ, he has become an entirely new person. All that is related to the old order has vanished. Behold, everything is fresh and new.”

Jesus is the only one who can break the mindset that says that change is impossible in my life. His death and resurrection are what MADE it possible. Transformation has to not only be something I want, but it’s also something I must choose. And that transformation lies in Christ.

Small Groups Online will help you find an authentic, honest environment where you can share your story without judgement or fear. Through genuine conversation with others who also struggle, you will find a safe & healthy community to be apart of. We were all made for relational connection and SGO does a great job at helping to facilitate that.

If you’re telling yourself lies today, make the decision to start walking in truth! Believe me when I say that your life in recovery is worth it.

Your Heart Is Priceless

avatarBy Frank Honess

Men: I have a message for you. No matter if you’re married, single, young or old.

YOUR HEART IS PRICELESS.

Your heart is worth so much more than the porn you consume. Infinitely more. I want you to imagine with me for a moment all of the things which we value in life.  All of the things that we treasure: Our homes, our investments, and our cars. The list could go on and on. What is something in your life that you would consider priceless? It may even be a person for you. But I would like to suggest that the most valuable thing that we carry is the heart that God has given you and I.

I love what Proverbs 4:23-27 AMP has to say regarding the heart:

“Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life. Put away from you a deceitful (lying, misleading) mouth, And put devious lips far from you. Let your eyes look directly ahead [toward the path of moral courage] And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you [toward the path of integrity]. Consider well and watch carefully the path of your feet, And all your ways will be steadfast and sure. Do not turn away to the right nor to the left [where evil may lurk]; Turn your foot from [the path of] evil.”

Simply put: When our heart is given the attention it deserves, all of the other areas of our lives will reflect health. Notice the other parts of body that are affected either positively or negatively because of the state of the heart:

    1. The mouth (our words & how we speak)
    2. The lips (again, our words or language)
    3. The eyes (what we look at and consume both visually and spiritually)
    4. The feet (the steps we take either towards compromise or character)

Do you see here how the heart is considered the ultimate indicator of our health?

For 13 years, I was blinded to this reality because pornography had literally moved into my heart and set up shop. At the age of 13, I invited it to come in like a flood and couldn’t get enough of what I was watching. I didn’t understand it, but that didn’t matter because it was touching something deep inside of me that was broken. I “thought” it was meeting needs inside of me. When in reality, it was distorting my view and value of the opposite sex. It was re-wiring my thinking and deadening emotions inside of me. It was making me a very small and diminished man.

All because of an innocent discovery of something I didn’t understand. It’s almost as if I was ambushed by something that would affect my life for years. And while I was only 13 when I discovered what I did, my addiction lasted to the age of 26. There came a certain point in time where I knew that what I was doing was unhealthy and I needed help. And yet the cycle of addiction continued.

At a certain point in life I forgot that my heart was priceless.

It wasn’t until I realized the depth of my sin and the depravity of my heart when it began to negatively affect my wife, who was then my fiancé. It was then that my eyes were finally opened and I began a journey of recovery. The recovery of my heart. I was blessed to have been given many wonderful opportunities for healing over the years. And I’m thankful to say that over the last 14 years I’ve experienced so much freedom and healing!

I’m convinced that in order to walk in that same kind of freedom, you MUST learn to treasure your heart as well. Remembering that your heart is your greatest possession is the first step to long lasting success in recovery from addiction.

After you’ve put a stake in the ground and committed your heart to the process of recovery, you have to make the decision to come out of the shadows. You can’t become a person of integrity by yourself. This is often a really hard step for many men to take. They might realize how valuable their heart is, but they can’t fathom bearing their secrets to another person.

Small Groups Online provides you with an incredible opportunity to share your life with others who are also desiring freedom. Others who have dealt with addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. SGO offers you community through becoming apart of a weekly support group via Zoom meetings. You’ll receive encouragement and a structure for what healthy recovery looks like.

Never forget that the greatest treasure is the one that lies inside of you. Your heart is priceless!!!

Give Yourself the Grace You Deserve

avatarBy Frank Honess

Recently, my wife & I were sitting with someone and in the midst of our conversation, this person mentioned two very significant words that my heart latched onto: grace platform. In fact, this person seemed to underscore the incredible importance of building our lives upon a grace platform as we’re walking through a season of grief and loss.

In last month’s post, I shared that on September 11th, we tragically and unexpectantly lost my mom to suicide. It was an event that has impacted my life forever and one that I had no blueprint for. How does someone walk through losing a parent…let alone losing them to suicide?

Tracey & I recently began walking with a counselor for help in understanding how to grieve well. We’ve been blessed to have many people come around us and it was in a recent session that I heard these words “grace platform” spoken to us.

What does this even mean? What does it mean to live my life upon a grace platform? A few summarizing thoughts:

  • It means being kind to your soul in the midst of struggle, pain, or loss.
  • It means rejecting any kind of language that contains the word “should” or “shouldn’t” (i.e. “I shouldn’t be feeling the way I’m feeling or thinking the way I’m thinking”).
  • It means allowing yourself to not only feel what hurts, but lean into those feelings to gain perspective.
  • It means accepting the reality of what IS, not what you think it should be (see, there’s that word again!)

I can’t emphasize enough the power of living upon a grace platform. I’ve found myself over the years learning this for myself and encouraging the men I’ve worked with to do the same. In addiction recovery, the reality is that you ARE going to be triggered, tempted, and walk through moments of struggle. While it’s not healthy to give ourself a pass and do whatever we want, we have to also be kind to our hearts. There is tension when there is transformation because oftentimes it isn’t instantaneous – it’s progressive. This is where grace needs to be applied.

In our current cultural climate, grace is something that is neither easily given or received. If you don’t believe me, just hop over to Twitter for 5 minutes and you’ll see what I mean. That’s a whole other post entirely. We’re not talking specifically this month about giving grace to others. But more so learning to give yourself grace, especially when you walk through something painful.

As we’ve walked through our process of grieving, one of the key passages that has brought us both comfort and tension is found in 2 Corinthians 12:9:

“But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” (The Passion Translation)

Before this specific verse, Paul was writing about some kind of hinderance or struggle he was carrying in life. There’s no specific indication of what it was, but it surely seemed like it was something he wanted to live without. He begs God to remove it from him! And then comes God’s response in verse 9.

“My grace is ALWAYS more than enough for you…

…And my power finds it’s FULL expression through your WEAKNESS.”

From what we lack and feel most fragile in comes grace and power that overcomes it all.

The beautiful reality is this: God’s grace and power works more effectively in our weakness, not in our strength. Within in our brokenness, not in the appearance of having it all together. Within our surrender, not how tough we can portray ourselves.

So if the Lord is ready to give you grace, what’s stopping you from doing the same? Giving yourself the permission to receive His grace. I’ve found this to be incredibly helpful as my wife & I have been walking through grief.

You may be reading this and you’re not actually walking through some kind of loss right now. It’s ok, because all of this applies to your recovery as well. Those who go far in recovery realize the journey it actually is. The marathon. It can be filled with moments of growth, victory, & healing. But within that journey there’s also plenty of struggle. Slips. Relapses. Setbacks.

It requires MUCH grace from the Lord, from our spouses, and especially from ourselves.

Small Groups Online offers the kind of grace platform I’ve talked about in this post. Each week, you’ll be able to join others online in a safe, secure environment where you can be free to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. With NO judgement. Becoming apart of community is so vital for your journey.

This week, when expectations flood your mind of what should or what shouldn’t be in your life, give yourself the grace you deserve. Be kind to your heart. By all means, don’t take shortcuts to relieve your pain. But be authentic with yourself and others of what you’re thinking and feeling.

Self Pity Is Shame’s Best Friend

avatarBy Frank Honess

If you’re a child of the 80’s, you’ll probably recognize this phrase instantly:

“I PITY THE FOOL!”

It took me a second, but not much longer, to remember the man with the distinct haircut, multiple rings, and massive amounts of gold around his neck as none other than Mr. T. Interestingly enough, Mr. T’s last name is Tero (I never knew that before the time of this writing). I think all these years I always thought his last name was, unsurprisingly, TOUGH 😆.

Why do I even bring up Mr. T and what in the world does he even have to do with recovery? Because of one word mentioned in that famous phrase: pity.

I don’t know that I’ve thought much about the meaning of that word in life, but I sure have experienced a considerable amount of pity, especially during the darkest years of my addiction to pornography.

What does pity actually mean? Pity is most commonly defined as a deep sorrow, regret, or disappointment over something. Feeling pity towards someone else can signify a sense of compassion for them.

The kind of pity I wanted to focus on in this post is most certainly a kind we’ve all dealt with: self pity. Think about your own life. In the moments and times you’ve felt self pity about something you did or maybe the person you were becoming. What did that do for you? Except make you feel like a bigger loser. I get it. I was there too.

Self pity almost never leads us to a healthy place. I read something interesting just today in my devotions: Self pity eventually leads to self-medication or self-destruction. What starts as sorrow or regret can eventually lead us to a very dangerous place in life.

Is it fair to say that self pity can introduces us to shame? Or at least are they closely related?

I’ve been reading an incredible book by Carl Thomas called “When Shame Gets Real: A New Way to Talk about Sex, Porn, and Masturbation.” Believe me when I tell you that this book has been both well thought out and well written. I love what Carl writes in the introduction:

“Shame cares about one thing and one thing only: suppressing you and everything that matters in your life such as your work, hopes, dreams, and passions. It wants to chase you into a little dark corner where you can stay hidden from the rest of the world, remaining ineffective and impotent.” (Introduction, pg.14)

Shame is a powerful force! And if left unchecked for years upon years, it can really debilitate someone’s life. I know that it did with me. Throughout my four years as a youth pastor, the weight of my own hypocrisy was steadily crushing me. And I remember the intensity of this shame as it reached its pinnacle while dating my wife. I had tried to stop looking at porn on my own without any kind of help from others.

My wife could see through all the lies. And she very nearly left me. Can you imagine that? Losing your marriage before it ever began. That was the place that I was at. At the height of shame. A crossroads where I had the choice: Was I going to continue living a secretive, diminished life or surrender to the very best life imaginable?

I chose a life of freedom. I wish I could say that shame instantly disappeared from my life, but that process took several years of work on my end and support from others who believed in me.

What started as frustration, regret, and disappointment quickly turned into a lifestyle where I thought the problem was me. What was wrong with ME?

This is what shame does. As Carl goes on to write in his book, “shame attacks your very nature and identity.” (Ch.1, pg.10)

Keep a close watch on your heart. When you feel yourself starting to gravitate towards self pity, reach out to someone you trust. The key in these types of situations is inviting others to help you process those feelings and emotions in a healthy way.

So often, if we’re not careful, we can get ourselves stuck in a rut where we’re believing lies about who we are. It works just like quick sand. Before we know it, we’re so stuck that we can’t escape on our own. We need the helping hand of another!

This is what Small Groups Online does by offering you the support and community you need when shame has a grip on your life. SGO offers weekly Zoom meetings on a day and time of your choosing where other men and women like yourself can truly find strength in numbers. Trust me when I say that none of us can make it very far on our own. Check out Small Groups Online today. It’s one decision you won’t regret!

Tell the Whole Truth & Nothing But the Truth

avatarBy Frank Honess

Recently, I had a pretty interesting encounter with a customer at my place of work. The week before, this individual had called in requesting some work to be done at their house. I informed them that I would write up the work to be done and as soon as we could have the owner of the company take a look at it, we would send him. So last week, when they called back in, they sounded frustrated and accused me of lying to them. I probably sounded a little bewildered on the phone simply because I had no idea what they were talking about. The man claimed I told him that I would be calling him back at the beginning of the week when in reality, I never said that.

It doesn’t feel good to be accused of lying. Perhaps it’s because before recovery my life was basically one big lie. Or, it’s probably more likely the fact that over the last 13 years, I’ve worked hard to refine my character & integrity. To become a man who is honest. Who has nothing to hide. And for that to be questioned (even if it had nothing to do with my recovery) felt like it really struck a nerve inside.

I began thinking about one of the most fundamental building blocks of addiction recovery: Honesty. The willingness to drop the walls, drop the facade, and allow others to see inside of your life. A life of honesty refuses to hide, cover up, or deny the truth. It seeks only to be completely transparent, allowing light to shine upon anything unseen.

For obvious reasons, the Bible has much to say about the importance of living an honest life. One such verse sticks out to me in writing about this subject:

“The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.” (Proverbs 12:22)

Notice the incredible contrast here in this verse. I love how it’s implied that the Lord doesn’t associate lying behavior to a person’s identity. While sin’s imprint was upon us even from birth, it was never meant to become our identity. But for the one who lives a life of truth, in this verse, it’s said the Lord “delights” in them. The word delight is closely related to the word pleasure. Think about something that gives you pleasure. Real pleasure. The kind of pleasure that makes you whole. The kind that fulfills every longing and desire you have. This is what a life of honesty, a life of integrity, a life of truthfulness brings to our Creator.

But He doesn’t stop there. If you really think about it, truth and honesty go even beyond our words. Truth must originate from our hearts. This is a sure sign that we have been transformed and are continually being changed by Jesus’ love. Look at Psalms 51:6:

“I know that you delight to set your truth deep in my spirit. So come into the hidden places of my heart and teach me wisdom.”

Notice the writer uses again the word delight. Perhaps our greatest act of worship to God is the truth that emerges from a life that is fully surrendered and has nothing to hide. We all have places in our hearts that haven’t yet been exposed to His transformative touch. As long as we live there will always be these areas. The invitation is for Jesus to come into those spaces. THIS is where honesty and credibility is built. In this verses context, the Hebrew word for “inward parts” can mean “something that is covered over, hidden, or concealed.” This could also be paraphrased as “you desire light in my darkness” or “you want truth to expose my secrets”.

Doesn’t that kind of life appeal to you? It does to me.

I believe that is the kind of person we’re working to become in recovery. You may read these words and struggle to believe that you can become that person. That you can’t be honest with your spouse. You can’t be honest with your kids. You can’t be honest with your friends.

I really want you to read this closely: Nothing could be further from the truth. You have the opportunity to live the kind of life that you’ve never known. And it all could start with one conversation. One confession that becomes the standard for how you choose to live your life. Do you want to live in obscurity and isolation? Or do you want to live with the reality that nothing is hidden and nothing is off limits to the people in your life?

You can make that decision today. Small Groups Online could be the perfect opportunity for you to begin walking in truth for the first time. SGO makes it incredibly easy to become apart of a healthy community of men or women who share similar struggles as you. Through a weekly Zoom meeting at a time that is convenient for you, you will receive encouragement and support for the journey that you’re on.

You can become a person of truth if it’s something you really want. A question that often came to my mind throughout my recovery journey was this: “Am I willing to do whatever I need to do to become the man that God wants me to become?” That answer has and will always be a resounding YES. I’m thankful today for all of the ways the Lord has transformed my heart and helped me to become a person who is pursuing truth every single day.

Listening To Your Emotions

avatarBy Frank Honess

Throughout our lives, we are trained to listen to a vast multitude of voices. Voices that have a powerful influence upon us. These voices can come from parents, siblings, family members, friends, and co-workers. Depending on the household in which we were raised, those voices determine in many ways the path we find ourselves on in our adolescent years all the way through becoming an adult. Some are incredibly healthy and life-giving while others can be destructive.

This month, I want to switch gears just a little bit and talk about a different voice. One you may not be totally familiar with: The voice of your emotions. Yes, believe it or not, your emotions have a voice and the real question is this: Are you listening?

As a young boy, I was loved by two wonderful parents with all the intentions in the world of caring for me the best they could. And they did. Unfortunately, there were things I lacked as a child, a teenager, and even as a young adult. I don’t blame my parents at all for this. They did the best they could with what they knew and who they were at the time. One thing I felt like I lacked is the focus of this post: A fundamental understanding of my emotions and how to process them in a healthy way.

You may be asking yourself, “How do you really teach someone to understand their emotions?” Trust me, I don’t have all the answers in this article. As a parent to an 8 year old and a 6 year old, I feel like I’m in training every single day! Some days I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface in my own life. But for the last 13 years, I’ve been on a journey to better understand my heart (i.e. my desires, my feelings, and yes my emotions).

Emotions are tricky. They are beautiful servants hard-wired into us by our Creator. Conversely, they are horrible masters. For the longest time in my life, I was enslaved to how I felt in the moment with very little understanding over what I was feeling. This led to a long addiction to pornography, fantasy, masturbation, and acting out in relationships. I was chasing the white rabbit. Something to bring relief from loneliness, pain, anxiety, fear, and anger.

I didn’t understand what my emotions were trying to tell me. Because I wasn’t listening. I didn’t know how to listen.

Recently, I stumbled across a post from Soul Shepherding (@soulshepherding on Instagram):

It would have been a miracle if I had even known how to name the emotions I felt as a young person. And yet, I believe that was the problem I faced for so long. Instead of knowing what action to take upon emotions that have the potential to quickly spiral me in a dark place, I would instead try to numb the emotion, stuff the emotion down using porn or some other kind of fantasy.

Obviously, this never worked.

Learning to listen to what your emotions are trying to tell you isn’t easy. I would even venture to say it’s an art. But as we learn what powerful feelings like anxiety, fear, emptiness, and anger are trying to tell us, we will discover what our souls are actually craving.

It’s been said that for an addict, pornography (or alcohol, drugs, etc.) isn’t the sole problem, but only a symptom of a deeper problem. If that is the case, then running from emotions is also a sign of some kind of fracture in our heart.

It’s 100% guaranteed we won’t get out of this life without experiencing something painful. So what are we responsible for?

I’m responsible to both listen to my emotions and be led by the Spirit of God. They must both accompany each other for health and wholeness to take place. The old saying, “Follow your heart” couldn’t be further from the truth. Embrace your emotions. Listen to your feelings. But don’t make unhealthy choices based out of emotion.

It’s a balancing act for sure. And it takes work, but we can become emotionally mature human beings. People who aren’t controlled by their emotions and also not detached from them. There needs to be a middle ground where we listen the voice of our emotions but also make choices that are healthy and lead to life. You might be asking, “Where do I begin?” Here’s a few places to start:

  1. Journaling — Writing may not be your favorite thing to do, but keeping a journal isn’t about length. Even if you were to write one sentence a day detailing how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking, that’s a great place to start. What does the state of your heart look like from day to day? Try it today. Here’s a prompt to begin: “Today, I am feeling…” The goal of journaling isn’t to write a book or make it sound scholarly. It’s a space where you can be completely honest with yourself and the Lord.
  2. [Healthy] Friendships — Notice I didn’t just say friendship. Who are the people in your life who you would consider healthy and in turn care about your heart? Don’t mistake health for perfection. One is possible in life and the other isn’t. We’re all in process, but perhaps there are some individuals at church or small group who you should make contact with and arrange coffee or lunch together. Finding a place you can thrive in community with others is one of the greatest things you can do.
  3. Counseling — It’s become a very normal practice for people to spend time with a counselor solely for “maintenance”.  Spending a season with a therapist doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. There’s no shame in in giving your heart the attention it deserves. A person who is specialized in working with people can help you target areas in your heart that need work and attention.

There may be a step you need to take today that’s not on this list. The point is this: Don’t ignore your emotions and what they are trying to tell you. Just like the lights on our car’s dashboard tell us what’s going on underneath the hood, so do our feelings often point to something happening in our heart. People work so hard on their physical bodies and yet ignore what’s going on on the inside. Become a student of your own emotional health. Years down the road you’ll look back and thank yourself that you did so.

Measuring Progress In Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

This past week, I read a very interesting thought that someone had regarding the subject of progress. Here’s what they said:

“I wish progress was a straight line. It seems so simple: work hard and see tangible progress as a result. But, as we have all learned at some point in our lives, progress is a line that is so far from straight, it even doubles back on itself sometimes.” (Faith Simmons @thesunalsoreads on Instagram)

I have to admit, each time I read that statement this week, I had to laugh because of the sheer truth behind it. That’s just how progress is. It’s rarely something that’s easy to see, something black and white, something we can even put our hands on. Especially as it relates to progress in recovery. I would even suggest that the greatest “progress” we could ever make in our recovery journeys is completely unseen.

In one of my weekly group meetings I lead, I asked the guys in the group what they would consider to be progress in their own lives. There were many different responses and they were all great. Because you see progress looks different for every person. For one person it may be the goal of getting rid of pornography from their lives, killing the habit of masturbation, & fantasizing sexually about other people. For another it could include all of that, but maybe go a bit deeper: The transformation of deep-rooted pain in their hearts. Or what about the way they view other women or men in their lives?

The reality is that progress can only truly be defined by you. So is there really a way to quantify progress? How do you measure progress? I think you would have to ask each and every person for their own definition. As for me, when I look back at the last 13 years of my life, I can truthfully say I’ve made a TON of progress in terms of becoming free of pornography and the way it controlled by life. I no longer look at porn or struggle with masturbation and lust anymore. But there is still an immense about of progress taking place inside of me. Here’s what I’m still learning:

  • How to deal with stress in a healthy way
  • Combatting fear & anxiety with joy & peace
  • Loving others unconditionally

To name JUST a few. There are many, many more things that are very much still in process. I’ve often shared with men I work with how quitting pornography really isn’t that hard. Any man can do it really. But what is hard is digging below the surface. Excavating the deep places within the heart where pain, trauma, and the really hard stuff lives. If we can just get to that stuff, then we’ll really begin to make progress.

Specific to recovery, what are some reasons we are perhaps not seeing as much progress as we would like in our life? I think there could be many reasons for this, but here are just a couple:

First, the fundamentals aren’t in place. What does that mean? There are specific things every man or woman in recovery needs in order to see long-lasting freedom and healing for their life. Take community for example. How can someone grow in isolation? For me (and every man I know), isolation is a prison. We need to be meeting with and around people who will care for our hearts and ask us the tough questions. Community is a fundamental for success in recovery. As is honesty, accountability, transparency, and vulnerability.

Secondly is the failure to celebrate victories of all sizes. So many men I’ve worked with love to keep a track of their sobriety. And for all the right reasons. But when there is a slip or some kind of setback, there is disappointment. The reality is that slips are going to happen. We can’t escape that. But what about all the ways your mind and heart are changing and transforming? You’re literally building new neural pathways in your brain as you seek what is healthy. Even our slips can be opportunities for growth if we allow them to be.

One last note: I think there is a misperception that progress means perfection. That in order to advance means that there’s no room to be left for mistakes along the way. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Some of the greatest progress in my life came through the bumps and bruises in recovery. The moments where I should have gone left and I went right. The times I didn’t tell the whole truth when I should have. Or tried to hide something when I should have just come clean. These are all seemingly negative things and nothing to be proud of and yet there are huge opportunities for growth in these moments.

One day progress may feel like you’re taking five steps forward. Then, the next day you’re taking six steps backward. Take heart! It’s all apart of the learning process. Don’t give up!

One of the greatest ways you can build some great momentum in your recovery is by joining Small Groups Online! SGO makes it incredibly easy to become apart of a healthy community of men or women who share similar struggles as you. Through a weekly Zoom meeting at a time that is convenient for you, you will receive encouragement and support for the journey that you’re on.

Community Is Not What You Think

avatarBy Frank Honess

Community is certainly one of the biggest buzz words in the recovery field now a days. And for right reason. Finding a healthy community where you can share your life with other individuals is one of the greatest keys to long-term healing.

Why? Because when you elevate vulnerability & transparency over isolation & secrecy, the former will always win out over the latter. Every time.

But as powerful as the word “community” is, I think to some degree it’s been thrown around so much that we lose the actual meaning of the word. What does community actually mean?

I started to think of the root word inside community: “commune”. This got me even more curious. Then, a simple dictionary search came up with a very specific definition:

“to share one’s intimate thoughts or feelings”

Broken down even further underneath the definition is the origin of the word:

“to share”

I definitely wasn’t expecting the dictionary to shed that much light on a term I’ve used so frequently in recovery! But the implications are huge! The kind of community we should experience in recovery is so much more than a meeting. So much more than a check-in. So much more than a bunch of men (or women) sitting in a room talking to reach other.

It’s the literal unveiling of my heart for all to see. It’s being willing to speak the things inside that hurt the most. It’s sharing what makes me angry and what drives me crazy. Community isn’t merely meant to be a social club. It’s meant to be a safe place where we can join our lives with others and we can see transformation happen.

My first true exposure to real community came almost 13 years ago from within a small group of men who met to find sexual purity together. The key word there is TOGETHER. Thinking back on that group, there were some of the manliest of men I’ve ever met. Tough guys to say the least. But one thing every man in this group shared: A mutual respect, love, and dependence upon the group.

We all NEEDED each other.

I quickly learned that it wasn’t just that I needed this group, but that this group needed me. That’s community! And that’s where real life is found. I’ve said it many times (and I’m sure I’ll say it many more) that a man cannot find long-term success in recovery without being apart of a community. Whether that is in person or online.

Zoom and other online video services have made it incredibly easy to share community with others online from the privacy of your own home. I’m so thankful for Small Groups Online, which offers weekly online Zoom meetings for men, women, spouses, pastors, and many others to meet together to find freedom & healing. If you haven’t checked out SGO, go to the website to get a walkthrough of what you can expect from Small Groups Online.

It’s time for all of us to step back and re-examine what we’ve always thought of as community. Community is probably not what you think it is. It’s so much more. And it’s happening as we speak. I want to encourage you to find a few safe, healthy, loving people you can meet with and begin sharing your story with. If you don’t feel like you have an abundance of those people in your life, try checking out a service like Small Groups Online or another online support group or program. They are out there.

You were made to know and be known by others. It’s not easy opening up. It takes practice. It takes time. You can do it. Go do it today.