3 Ways to Strengthen Your Recovery This Summer

avatarBy Frank Honess

If you hadn’t noticed, the weather is changing and that means summer is nearly here! The birds are chirping loudly, the temperature is finally jumping, and grilles everywhere are starting to heat up in anticipation for the changing of the seasons. I have to say, I’m pretty excited for a new season. Not necessarily for the millions of out-of-staters who will be invading the surrounding beaches. But I am genuinely excited for the new. The different. The shifting of something I’ve experienced to something that is yet to be.

With the changing of the season, there are new routines and adjustments that need to be made. In the summer, kids are off from school. Perhaps the pace of your job slows down or speeds up depending on what you do. Vacations and family trips abound. There is a freshness and slowing of the soul (at least that is the intention).

Similar to when we flip the calendar to a new year, there are other pivotal points during the year to revisit your recovery strategy to see what’s working and what isn’t. Over the course of the last 14 years I’ve had to do this often in my own recovery journey because growth is fluid. Progress is taking place (hopefully) every day and I want to continually be prepared to take the next steps in my journey. So what are some areas in recovery to revisit as the seasons change?

  1. Community – I’ve mentioned this quite a bit in my past writing, but I believe that finding a healthy community of individuals who are also dealing with the same or similar struggles as you is key to long-term success. Simply stated: We cannot find freedom and become the men and women we want to be without the help of others. And this requires transparency and vulnerability; the willingness to open up the dark and painful places for others to see. I’m so grateful for all those I’ve had the honor of sharing my story with throughout the last 14 years. I found a level of safety and trust that I had never known before. No judgement. No condemnation. Just a group of guys who wanted to get better, just like me. Small Groups Online offers a weekly online support group at a convenient time and place where you will be both encouraged and challenged in your recovery journey. You can also try SGO free for 15 days! Make community a priority as the next season approaches.
  2. Security – For those who use protection software or filtering on their devices, it’s always a good idea to go back and check that everything is set properly and you are protected. And if you’re in need of software for filtering sexually explicit or triggering content, there’s no better time to get on that train than today! Technology has only advanced in the last few years and so there are some really great options out there to help you as you engage with your devices between home and work. The important thing to remember about software is that it’s only one step along the way, it’s not the final solution. And if you’re someone who’s constantly trying to get around software, it means you’re probably more in need of community and support than you realize. There are some great options out there between X3watch, Covenant Eyes, and many others. Some will do more content blocking and filtering and others will simply monitor your activity and then email a report to someone you know and trust. I used software for many years in my recovery until I got to the place where I didn’t need it anymore. It can definitely be helpful!
  3. Honesty – The last area that I wanted to highlight is one that is more internal to an individual’s life in recovery. It’s the question of honesty and truthfulness. I think it’s always a good practice to routinely ask yourself if you’re truly surrendered to the process of freedom, healing, and restoration. This is something that can’t be forced or rehearsed. It has to be an internal decision that has to be made within a person’s life. For me, it came through brokenness and a realization of how destructive my behavior had become. I was on the path of losing everything and everyone I held dear. And so for the first time in 13 years, it was time for me to get honest with myself: Was I willing to do whatever I had to do to become the man that God had designed me to be? No more hiding, no more lying, no more minimizing. It was time to face the reality of who I had become. This is a hard reality to face for sure. But it’s also the doorway to freedom. Only at that place can a person begin the journey.

Certainly this isn’t a definitive list of all the pillars in recovery. It’s only just a few. The point I’m trying to make this month is that we have to continually pay attention to the things that matter most to us. And if we say recovery from pornography and other sexually compulsive behaviors is important, we have to translate our intentions into action.

I encourage you this month to revisit your recovery strategy and consider what can be fortified. What areas can be strengthened? What needs to improve or change so that you can take the next step to becoming a person of sexual integrity?

Four Lies We Tell Ourselves in Addiction

avatarBy Frank Honess

When someone decides to come out of an addiction that has consumed years of their life, there has to be some re-wiring and some re-training that’s done in the mind. This can be seen with any kind of habit or pattern in a person’s life. The more you do something, the more comfortable you are continuing to do it. Your mind adapts to the “new” and the pleasure that it brings. So there’s a change in behavior that needs to happen.

But I would suggest it’s not even the behavior that’s the most important factor as much as it’s the mindset. The thinking. How do I think about myself? What do I believe about myself? These questions are supremely important if a person wants to break the stronghold of addiction in their life. Oftentimes (or should I say probably 100% of the time?) there are lies we begin to believe. Because we have practiced something so self-destructive for so long, we tend to make agreements with things that aren’t true. Some lies are very subtle and some can be very blatant.

This month, I wanted to address four specific lies that we tell ourselves in recovery. There’s no way to capture all of the lies we believe but I think these are probably four of the most common ones out there:

LIE #1: “PORN IS HARMLESS” — Perhaps one of the most dangerous lies a person can ever believe is that there’s nothing wrong with consuming manufactured images of hardcore sexual acts, which are often forced and considered by many to be abusive. Just consider the following statistics from Covenant Eyes:

    • 90% of teens and 96% of young adults are either encouraging, accepting, or neutral when they talk about porn with their friends.
    • Teens and young adults 13-24 believe not recycling is worse than viewing pornography.
    • Just 55% of adults 25 and older believe porn is wrong.
    • Only 43% of teens believe porn is bad for society, compared to 31% of young adults 18-24, 51% of Millennials, 44% Gen-Xers, and 59% of Boomers.

These numbers are startling! And yet, it’s a telling indicator as to where our culture stands on this issue. Sadly, the Church isn’t exempt from many of these numbers because we haven’t properly taught about how pornography can affect our thinking, our view of the opposite sex, and our relationships with each other.

LIE #2: “PORN ENHANCES MY MARRIAGE” — Equally as dangerous as the previous lie (and even more foolish) is the belief that some how porn will help to restore excitement and passion between you and your spouse. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve worked with many men who’ve used porn WITH their spouse. What really is the difference between one person viewing porn and two people? Pornography only creates a false reality of love. There’s nothing intimate about using someone as an object. This reality is only magnified when a husband and a wife think it will draw them closer.

This according to Focus on the Family:

“Marital sexuality is to be radically exclusive. So, pornography not only decreases true intimacy in marriage but actually prevents it. Introducing pornography into your marriage, whether viewing it together or alone, has the same effect as bringing in a third party. God’s ideal for sexual intimacy in marriage is for one man and one woman for life. Even though porn isn’t a relationship with a physical person, the result is just as destructive as having an affair.”

Never fall for the lie that somehow pornography will take you and your spouse to deeper levels of sexual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.

Whereas the first two lies are ones that tend to be exhibited from culture (and the Church), the last two lies are much more universal to most porn addicts. The next two lies are incredibly self-destructive if they are believed long enough.

LIE #3: “IF PEOPLE REALLY KNEW ME, THEY WOULDN’T LOVE ME” — Looking back, I think this was the greatest lie I ever fell for in addiction. The belief that beneath the surface, I was really unlovable. That if people saw the “real” Frank, they would turn in the opposite direction and take off. Part of this lie was rooted in the ignorance over my sin. In the lack of understanding on how to get free. Who was I supposed to talk to? What was I supposed to tell them? Where would I even start to find freedom and healing from something that had consumed years of my life? These questions raged inside as the cycle of addiction continued.

My confession of porn use came during a counseling appointment regarding a relationship that had gone south. As the counselor & I talked about the relationship, he began to ask me a series of questions — one of which included whether I had ever looked at pornography before. It was the first time someone had ever directly asked me that question since the addiction began. Because I felt a sense of safety and acceptance from him, I told him the truth. And with no judgement, he continued to ask thoughtful questions. He never turned his back on me or treated me any different. He and I remain friends to this day. I’m grateful that our relationship in many ways felt like a catalyst…a turning point towards a new way of living for me.

LIE #4: “I’M ALWAYS GOING TO BE THIS WAY” — For someone who’s been struggling with addiction for years, this lie has the potential to be the last nail in the coffin if left unchecked. This particular lie falls especially into the category of what are called agreements. Agreements contain words like “always” and “never”. Statements based solely in false perception, not truth. And with a mindset like this one, growth is virtually impossible because the decision had already been made ahead of time.

A promise that I love to return to often in Scripture is found in 2 Corinthians 5:17. I particularly like the way The Passion Translation says it:

“Now, if anyone is enfolded into Christ, he has become an entirely new person. All that is related to the old order has vanished. Behold, everything is fresh and new.”

Jesus is the only one who can break the mindset that says that change is impossible in my life. His death and resurrection are what MADE it possible. Transformation has to not only be something I want, but it’s also something I must choose. And that transformation lies in Christ.

Small Groups Online will help you find an authentic, honest environment where you can share your story without judgement or fear. Through genuine conversation with others who also struggle, you will find a safe & healthy community to be apart of. We were all made for relational connection and SGO does a great job at helping to facilitate that.

If you’re telling yourself lies today, make the decision to start walking in truth! Believe me when I say that your life in recovery is worth it.

Your Heart Is Priceless

avatarBy Frank Honess

Men: I have a message for you. No matter if you’re married, single, young or old.

YOUR HEART IS PRICELESS.

Your heart is worth so much more than the porn you consume. Infinitely more. I want you to imagine with me for a moment all of the things which we value in life.  All of the things that we treasure: Our homes, our investments, and our cars. The list could go on and on. What is something in your life that you would consider priceless? It may even be a person for you. But I would like to suggest that the most valuable thing that we carry is the heart that God has given you and I.

I love what Proverbs 4:23-27 AMP has to say regarding the heart:

“Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life. Put away from you a deceitful (lying, misleading) mouth, And put devious lips far from you. Let your eyes look directly ahead [toward the path of moral courage] And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you [toward the path of integrity]. Consider well and watch carefully the path of your feet, And all your ways will be steadfast and sure. Do not turn away to the right nor to the left [where evil may lurk]; Turn your foot from [the path of] evil.”

Simply put: When our heart is given the attention it deserves, all of the other areas of our lives will reflect health. Notice the other parts of body that are affected either positively or negatively because of the state of the heart:

    1. The mouth (our words & how we speak)
    2. The lips (again, our words or language)
    3. The eyes (what we look at and consume both visually and spiritually)
    4. The feet (the steps we take either towards compromise or character)

Do you see here how the heart is considered the ultimate indicator of our health?

For 13 years, I was blinded to this reality because pornography had literally moved into my heart and set up shop. At the age of 13, I invited it to come in like a flood and couldn’t get enough of what I was watching. I didn’t understand it, but that didn’t matter because it was touching something deep inside of me that was broken. I “thought” it was meeting needs inside of me. When in reality, it was distorting my view and value of the opposite sex. It was re-wiring my thinking and deadening emotions inside of me. It was making me a very small and diminished man.

All because of an innocent discovery of something I didn’t understand. It’s almost as if I was ambushed by something that would affect my life for years. And while I was only 13 when I discovered what I did, my addiction lasted to the age of 26. There came a certain point in time where I knew that what I was doing was unhealthy and I needed help. And yet the cycle of addiction continued.

At a certain point in life I forgot that my heart was priceless.

It wasn’t until I realized the depth of my sin and the depravity of my heart when it began to negatively affect my wife, who was then my fiancé. It was then that my eyes were finally opened and I began a journey of recovery. The recovery of my heart. I was blessed to have been given many wonderful opportunities for healing over the years. And I’m thankful to say that over the last 14 years I’ve experienced so much freedom and healing!

I’m convinced that in order to walk in that same kind of freedom, you MUST learn to treasure your heart as well. Remembering that your heart is your greatest possession is the first step to long lasting success in recovery from addiction.

After you’ve put a stake in the ground and committed your heart to the process of recovery, you have to make the decision to come out of the shadows. You can’t become a person of integrity by yourself. This is often a really hard step for many men to take. They might realize how valuable their heart is, but they can’t fathom bearing their secrets to another person.

Small Groups Online provides you with an incredible opportunity to share your life with others who are also desiring freedom. Others who have dealt with addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. SGO offers you community through becoming apart of a weekly support group via Zoom meetings. You’ll receive encouragement and a structure for what healthy recovery looks like.

Never forget that the greatest treasure is the one that lies inside of you. Your heart is priceless!!!

Hope Is The Endgame

avatarBy Frank Honess

Around the beginning of the new year, it’s often typical for people to set New Year’s resolutions and grandiose goals (which usually last for about 2 weeks tops).

But I do believe there is value to evaluating the year that is approaching and creating actionable changes you can actually accomplish. One such question I tend to come back to in my recovery is the WHY question:

“Why am I doing what am I doing?” “Why does recovery still matter 13 years in?” “What is it I’m ultimately trying to accomplish?”

I would like to suggest that there is more to recovery from sexual addiction than the following:

  1. Abstaining from sexually compulsive & destructive behavior.
  2. Becoming a sexually healthy person.

Don’t get me wrong, those two objectives are absolutely important and should be at the top of your list. Otherwise, what are you really doing here?

But I believe there is an even greater “endgame” to our stories. That endgame is greater than how long you can stay sober. Or how many meetings you’ve attended. Or even how much trust you’ve re-built in your marriage.

I believe the real endgame we should be pursuing is HOPE.

This kind of hope isn’t the kind that “hopes” for the promotion. Or “hopes’ that it doesn’t rain today.

The kind of hope that I’m talking about is the joyful expectation of good. It’s the understanding that if my story doesn’t end up good, it’s not over yet. It’s the knowing that all of the struggle, pain, discomfort (you name it) that you’re walking through isn’t meaningless.

I’ve heard it said recently that God doesn’t waste pain. And after losing a parent to suicide almost five months ago, I couldn’t agree more. That event was truly the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. My wife & I are still walking through tremendous healing today and will continue to for quite a while I’m sure.

But without a doubt one thing that has been galvanized in our lives because of that event is hope. I love how The Passion Translation puts it in Romans 5:3-5:

“But that’s not all! Even in times of trouble we have a joyful confidence, knowing that our pressures will develop in us patient endurance. And patient endurance will refine our character, and proven character leads us back to hope. And this hope is not a disappointing fantasy, because we can now experience the endless love of God cascading into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who lives in us!”

I love the progression we see here: In the pressures, pain, and really hard seasons of life we can still be confident that everything is going to work out. Even more than that, JOYFULLY confident! Every struggle we walk through in life is meant to make us better, not destroy us! Because we become tougher. Our character is refined as we realize we’re stronger than we knew.

Are we allowing what we walk through in life to turn us back to Hope? Because as Romans tell us here, Hope quite literally the “endless love of God cascading (like a waterfall) into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who lives in us”.

So that is what the endgame should be. At the end of my life, I want to be counted as someone who never lost hope because I experienced so much of it. I want to be able to say I saw the Lord’s hand holding & healing me, my wife, and my family through the hardest moments of life.

Small Groups Online is another perfect place to help you find hope as well as others who are doing the same. Each week, you’ll be able to join others online in a safe, secure environment where you can be free to share the good, the bad, and the ugly of your recovery journey. With NO judgement. Becoming apart of community is so vital, so I encourage you to check it out!

This I believe is what our recovery is all about: Hope from the start, Hope in the middle, and Hope in the end. Make hope your endgame today!

Give Yourself the Grace You Deserve

avatarBy Frank Honess

Recently, my wife & I were sitting with someone and in the midst of our conversation, this person mentioned two very significant words that my heart latched onto: grace platform. In fact, this person seemed to underscore the incredible importance of building our lives upon a grace platform as we’re walking through a season of grief and loss.

In last month’s post, I shared that on September 11th, we tragically and unexpectantly lost my mom to suicide. It was an event that has impacted my life forever and one that I had no blueprint for. How does someone walk through losing a parent…let alone losing them to suicide?

Tracey & I recently began walking with a counselor for help in understanding how to grieve well. We’ve been blessed to have many people come around us and it was in a recent session that I heard these words “grace platform” spoken to us.

What does this even mean? What does it mean to live my life upon a grace platform? A few summarizing thoughts:

  • It means being kind to your soul in the midst of struggle, pain, or loss.
  • It means rejecting any kind of language that contains the word “should” or “shouldn’t” (i.e. “I shouldn’t be feeling the way I’m feeling or thinking the way I’m thinking”).
  • It means allowing yourself to not only feel what hurts, but lean into those feelings to gain perspective.
  • It means accepting the reality of what IS, not what you think it should be (see, there’s that word again!)

I can’t emphasize enough the power of living upon a grace platform. I’ve found myself over the years learning this for myself and encouraging the men I’ve worked with to do the same. In addiction recovery, the reality is that you ARE going to be triggered, tempted, and walk through moments of struggle. While it’s not healthy to give ourself a pass and do whatever we want, we have to also be kind to our hearts. There is tension when there is transformation because oftentimes it isn’t instantaneous – it’s progressive. This is where grace needs to be applied.

In our current cultural climate, grace is something that is neither easily given or received. If you don’t believe me, just hop over to Twitter for 5 minutes and you’ll see what I mean. That’s a whole other post entirely. We’re not talking specifically this month about giving grace to others. But more so learning to give yourself grace, especially when you walk through something painful.

As we’ve walked through our process of grieving, one of the key passages that has brought us both comfort and tension is found in 2 Corinthians 12:9:

“But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” (The Passion Translation)

Before this specific verse, Paul was writing about some kind of hinderance or struggle he was carrying in life. There’s no specific indication of what it was, but it surely seemed like it was something he wanted to live without. He begs God to remove it from him! And then comes God’s response in verse 9.

“My grace is ALWAYS more than enough for you…

…And my power finds it’s FULL expression through your WEAKNESS.”

From what we lack and feel most fragile in comes grace and power that overcomes it all.

The beautiful reality is this: God’s grace and power works more effectively in our weakness, not in our strength. Within in our brokenness, not in the appearance of having it all together. Within our surrender, not how tough we can portray ourselves.

So if the Lord is ready to give you grace, what’s stopping you from doing the same? Giving yourself the permission to receive His grace. I’ve found this to be incredibly helpful as my wife & I have been walking through grief.

You may be reading this and you’re not actually walking through some kind of loss right now. It’s ok, because all of this applies to your recovery as well. Those who go far in recovery realize the journey it actually is. The marathon. It can be filled with moments of growth, victory, & healing. But within that journey there’s also plenty of struggle. Slips. Relapses. Setbacks.

It requires MUCH grace from the Lord, from our spouses, and especially from ourselves.

Small Groups Online offers the kind of grace platform I’ve talked about in this post. Each week, you’ll be able to join others online in a safe, secure environment where you can be free to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. With NO judgement. Becoming apart of community is so vital for your journey.

This week, when expectations flood your mind of what should or what shouldn’t be in your life, give yourself the grace you deserve. Be kind to your heart. By all means, don’t take shortcuts to relieve your pain. But be authentic with yourself and others of what you’re thinking and feeling.

Navigating Through Grief & Loss In Recovery

avatarBy Frank Honess

On the evening of Sunday, September 11th, my life and the lives of family would be forever changed. It was the day that I received the phone call that my mom had passed away. In an instant, time stopped and I felt like a little boy all over again. To make this already unbearable news even worst, I was told by my Dad that she had taken her own life.

Nothing can prepare a person for this kind of phone call. And believe me when I say that I wasn’t prepared whatsoever. My wife and I were leading a small group in our home that evening and I was expecting news that my Mom would be coming home from a stay at the hospital. Thinking back now, we must have scared our friends who were with us that night.

As people have asked us how we’ve been doing the last couple months, the answer I seem to consistently give is that we’re navigating. There are good days, bad days, and really, really hard days filled with so many questions and emotions. And yet, in the midst of this life-changing event, I’ve felt my heart lean into Jesus in a way that I never have before. Perhaps I’m an anomaly, but I’m actually not angry with God or angry with my Mom. I know this isn’t everyone’s story, but it’s mine.

I’m thankful also that on this journey that I haven’t chosen to go back to old behaviors and my former lifestyle as someone who lived with a sexual addiction. In the midst of my grief and loss, I haven’t felt the urge to medicate my pain. I believe this truly is a testament to the work that I’ve done over the last 14 years in recovery.

Again, I understand that everyone’s story is different. And that’s why I really wanted the heart of this post to be for encouraging those of you who may feel like you’re not doing so well. Believe me when I say, there is no judgement here. I completely understand that walking in sexual purity while navigating through life-altering trauma can be a serious recipe for disaster for many.

So what are some important things to remember if you’re walking through some kind of loss in the midst of also trying to keep your recovery strong and consistent? How do you stay healthy? Perhaps not a surprise, but a lot of what you will read may not seem radically different from what healthy recovery should normally look like.

  1. Stay in the Word & Worship — Believe me when I tell you that if you’re a person walking in recovery from some kind of addiction AND you’re walking through some kind of loss, be it the traumatic kind or even the smallest kind, you’ll need to be reminded there is always hope available to you. In recent months since losing my mom, continually staying in the Word of God and in His presence has been that hope for me. Jesus is our hope when all seems lost. When there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, He is our light. And the peace that He’s brought to my heart in this midst of this loss and as I navigate through recovery has been so precious to me.
  2. Stay in Community — As in recovery, you want to keep an eye on how much time you’re spending alone. It’s very easy when you’re in a place of loss to withdraw and pretend you don’t need people in your life. When it’s actually the complete opposite that is true. If our relationship with the Lord is any kind of model it shows us that we are beings designed for relationship. Inviting healthy, safe people into our lives helps others to see they can speak into our pain and hit helps us to realize we’re truly aren’t alone. Community is where we were meant to live. That doesn’t mean you have to be everyone’s best friend. But it does mean you should keep a few meaningful consistent relationships always at hand for the tough times.
  3. Stay Aware of Your Heart — It’s time we learned that our hearts are always speaking to us. We have needs, wants, and desires that long to be fulfilled. Not only is this happening as we journey through recovery, but it is intensified as we walk through some kind of loss. If we look upon our hearts as we do our car’s dashboard, then we’ll understand there are moments when we’re low on gas or that we need an oil change soon. What does this translate to for our hearts? Perhaps it’s that we need to slow down, re-fuel our tanks with life-giving friendships or the presence of God. Maybe there routines or rhythms in our lives that need to change. Even as I write these words, I feel the vulnerability and fragility of my own heart. I know there are certain things I will need today to keep moving in a healthy direction. Pay attention to what your heart is telling you.

Navigating through recovery can be really intensive. But couple that with loss and you may just feel like you’re in a war for survival. That’s why the ideas above are really important to keep central in your life. You need to be rooted in what is healthy and nourishing for your soul. Small Groups Online is one avenue you can take to accomplish this! SGO delivers an incredible opportunity for you to cultivate community in your life. Each week, you’ll join an online group of other men or women like yourself who are also walking through their recovery. Your group will be private, encouraging, and convenient as there are many days and times to choose from during the week.

If you’re trying to navigate your recovery while walking through the grieving process or you’ve experienced some kind of loss, there is so much help and support out there. Consider implementing the tips listed above and you’ll be on the road to becoming healthier than you ever could have imagined!

11 Tips for Having Great Recovery Check In’s (Part 2)

avatarBy Frank Honess

Last month, we started a two part series on how to have great recovery check-ins with people who care about your life. Sharing your recovery journey with someone is a delicate process and can’t be taken lightly. Therefore, we have to be wise with who we invite into our lives. Not everyone can handle the weight of what we have to share. Having said that, there are some incredible people out there as well who have so much to offer us!

Here are five more tips for having great recovery check ins:

1. Be defensive & be offensive with check-ins — Defensive: I’m feeling temptation right now. Offensive: Pulls, feelings, go on the offensive, reaching out to someone. Simply put, recovery takes action on our part. It takes focus and it takes clarity. We have to not only field the attacks that we may feel, but we must also lean in to truth. This is why we’re talking about a two part strategy. Ephesians 6 is one of my favorite portions of Scripture because it gives very specific instructions on how to fight in spiritual warfare. The armor of God mentioned in verses 11-18 isn’t just meant for our protection, it’s meant for our advancement. The same applies to our recovery. If we want to heal, if we want to grow, we must go after the areas of pain that send us down unhealthy paths. A great check-in helps us to do that!

2. Timing evolution — Check-in with someone before a slip, in the middle of a struggle. Recognize triggers & pulls. I’ve met very few men that have learned to do this consistently. I say this because I was one of those men in the other camp: I would wait until the battle was hot & heavy, slide into isolation, act out in some way and then run to other men to confess my transgressions. This is the opposite of what this tip is talking about. The ideal time to check-in before the temptation strikes. Someone once called this technique “book-ending”. The idea is when you know you might be walking into a scenario that might be triggering in some way for you that you reach out to someone BEFORE. And then there is a follow-up conversation AFTER on how you felt you did. Much of our success in recovery requires a great deal of forethought and planning.

3. It takes practice to become comfortable. This one is pretty self-explanatory. When it comes to conversations and communication, you get better at it when you commit to the process of doing it regularly. And so that’s why having 2-3 people is probably a pretty good number. These aren’t just people you’re having regular conversations with about sexual purity. These are people you’ll want to do life with. Hang out with them. Eat with them. Worship with them. Play with them. Build your relationship with them so your conversations have the opportunity to go deeper. What you’ll find is through time spent with people your comfort will also increase.

4. A good friend on the other end asks good questions. You’ll want to make sure you’re able to find people who are interested in going deep with you. This doesn’t have to be the most spiritual person you know, but there’s also nothing wrong meeting with someone who knows the Word and has an intimate, thriving relationship with God. Perhaps someone who has a counseling or therapeutic background. Most of all, find people who are curious. People who don’t just take what they see at face value. They’re always digging deeper to know more. These are the kind of people you want to spend your time with. You will be able to tell a surface-level person verses someone who really wants to walk with you. Yes, they will have the ability to encourage you. But they need to be able to ask the tough questions too.

5. Have many guys to talk to, text, email, & meet up with. Take advantage of communication wherever you can. Some individuals will be more able to meet at a coffee shop or for lunch. But distance may separate you geographically and maybe you’re only able to do a phone call or Zoom meeting. Even taking time throughout the week to text that person how you’re doing and what you’re feeling is super important! Be flexible with the men you’re meeting with.

And as always, if you’re looking for a community to help support you in your recovery journey, Small Groups Online would be worth a look! SGO offers a weekly online group experience via Zoom where you will join other men and women who are also seeking community. Check out Small Groups Online today!

11 Tips for Having Great Recovery Check In’s (Part 1)

avatarBy Frank Honess

Being proactive in recovery makes all the difference in one’s long-term success. Freedom and healing didn’t just happen in my life. They were things I needed to pursue and it took action on my part to do it!

One of the greatest steps I encourage every man I work with to take is to step out of isolation and into community. Opening up your life and letting others see inside is essential for your growth and maturity. A huge part of this means being offensive in recovery and no defensive. Learning to be proactive in your communication with people who really care about your heart is so important.

Having said that, I think one of the greatest misnomers that has ever come from accountability relationships is that the burden of accountability lies upon my accountability partner and not me. In other words, it’s up to everyone else to hold ME accountable while I sit back and do nothing.

So this month, I wanted to share the first six tips on what a great check in looks like with recovery partners and other support people in your life. Next month I’ll share the final five tips…

1. Be intentional & don’t wait for the other guy! Put 3 or 4 guys numbers in your phone who you can check in with. There are some obvious benefits to this: Not everyone you reach out to will be available that moment to chat. So if you’re only trying to check in with one person, you may hit a dead-end if they’re not available. Also, having more than one person provides several different sources for feedback, encouragement, & challenge.

2. Be regular in checking in. Consistency is key. The goal is create a regular rhythm of communication so others know you’re committed to the process of recovery. And this helps you to also not become isolated in your thoughts and feelings. 2-3 times a week you’re checking in with several people to process what’s going on inside.

3. Be specific with others about about MY feelings. Feelings may not mean much to you but they’re actually really huge. Think of them as the lights on your car’s dashboard indicating when it’s time for an oil change, low tire pressure, or if there’s a real problem. You can’t ignore those lights! This is why being specific about your feelings should be one of focal points of your check in.

4. Remember that reaching out to others is an offensive action. It takes effort. We talked briefly about this earlier. Remember, the burden doesn’t lie with others to check in on you. This is YOUR recovery, not theirs. Don’t wait around for the phone to ring or the text message to come. Follow through and make the effort to reach out.

5. In the check-in, go deeper. Ask specific questions of yourself: What am I doing? What am I thinking? What am I thinking about doing? This gives your accountability partner or support person a very clear picture of how you’re doing that particular week. Specificity is really crucial when communicating thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behavior. The clearer you can be with someone, most likely the better the conversation will go.

6. Don’t be discouraged if someone doesn’t respond immediately. Be patient. People are people. And people get busy, right? You do too! 🙂 The most important action that you’re taking is picking up the phone and making the connection. People won’t know how you’re doing unless you start there. A great accountability partner or support person will respond to you in a timely and effective fashion. Bonus tip: As you’re waiting, remember that you have the greatest Advocate on your side that you can also talk to: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! Be honest and if you have to, be raw about your state of mind. Trust me, the Lord can handle anything you throw at Him.

These tips should give you a great place to start. Next month, I’ll wrap up this series with the final five tips for great recovery check in’s. And as always, if you’re looking for a community to help support you in your recovery journey, Small Groups Online would be worth a look! SGO offers a weekly online group experience via Zoom where you will join other men and women who are also seeking community. Check out Small Groups Online today!

What Were You Thinking Before Looking At Porn?

avatarBy Frank Honess

Recently, as I was scrolling through Instagram I came across a post from one of the many organizations I follow that specializes in the support and education of people who are struggling with sexual purity in their lives. The main headline of the post was a question, which I found to be both profound and deeply thought-provoking:

“What were you thinking about right before you looked at porn?”

Perhaps that seems like a no-brainer. What does a person who looks at porn think about before looking at porn? Probably porn, right? Well, yes and no. The answer to that is actually much more complex than you might think.

Believe it or not, most people (both men and women) aren’t drawn to pornography or sexually explicit behavior solely because they want to see naked people having sex. Obviously, on a physical level alone, the brain and the body responds to these kinds of graphic images, but what actually happens BEFORE in a person’s thinking, in their feelings that draws them to act out in this particular way?

In other posts that I’ve written on SGO, I’ve talked quite a bit about what triggers are. As a quick review, triggers are the “pulls” and feelings a person has before some kind of slip or relapse. It’s worth noting that triggers aren’t necessarily bad in and of themselves. I like to compare triggers to the dashboards found in our vehicles. On our dashboards we can quickly check the speed we’re going, the amount of fuel we have in the tank, and whether the cruise control is turned on or not.

But what happens when you’re driving and your car detects a problem such as low air pressure, low oil, or maybe an electrical problem? An indicator on your dashboard appears communicating to you specifically where the problem is. You could consider this to be a kind of trigger hard-wired in your vehicle’s operating system to alert you when there is a problem.

Such are the triggers we often face before looking at porn. When we learn to understand what we are thinking and what we are feeling BEFORE we act out sexually or in other unhealthy ways, we will begin to learn healthier ways of processing negative or painful emotions. Thus allowing us to make healthier decisions in our lives that don’t lead us down unhealthy paths.

So what are the most common kinds of triggers? Before we get too specific, we have to remember that triggers are unique to the individual. Never are there only one set of triggers for everyone. We’re all different. The wiring in our brains is different. And, yes, you guessed it, we all respond differently to a variety of scenarios and environments. One person may be more affected by memories. Another an image. For some it might even be a smell that might triggers a specific response.

Once we understand that triggers are specific to the individual, then we can talk about other general forms of triggers that most people deal with. In my meetings with men, we often talk about the acronym B.L.A.S.T. This acronym helps capture what I believe to be the most common forms of triggers:

Bored

Lonely

Angry

Stressed

Tired

Think about it…Are you especially sensitive to any of these triggers? Do you find yourself in any of these places before acting out sexually? Oftentimes we are in an emotionally compromised position and we don’t even realize it! Or, at the very least, we haven’t learned to recognize it.

If we’re not careful, emotions and feelings like the ones listed above can snowball when we’re not in healthy community with others. Boredom can escalate into isolation. Loneliness or sadness can manifest into depression. Fatigue can quickly turn into exhaustion. Do you see the progression?

You and I were meant to live in community. Not sometimes. Not on special occasions. But all the time in some form or capacity. Community is meant to be one of the pillars that holds our life together.

Zoom and other online video services have made it incredibly easy to share community with others online from the privacy of your own home. I’m so thankful for Small Groups Online, which offers weekly online Zoom meetings for men, women, spouses, pastors, and many others to meet together to find freedom & healing. If you haven’t checked out SGO, go to the website to get a walkthrough of what you can expect from this incredibly helpful resource.

In summary, when you find yourself being triggered and feeling the pull to look at porn, take a conscious step back and ask yourself what your heart is really needing in that moment. What is it that you’re really feeling? What’s going on in your thinking that needs to change? What pain are you trying to medicate?

When you’re able to identify what those things are, you’ll be on the right track to discover the freedom and healing you’ve always needed.

Self Pity Is Shame’s Best Friend

avatarBy Frank Honess

If you’re a child of the 80’s, you’ll probably recognize this phrase instantly:

“I PITY THE FOOL!”

It took me a second, but not much longer, to remember the man with the distinct haircut, multiple rings, and massive amounts of gold around his neck as none other than Mr. T. Interestingly enough, Mr. T’s last name is Tero (I never knew that before the time of this writing). I think all these years I always thought his last name was, unsurprisingly, TOUGH 😆.

Why do I even bring up Mr. T and what in the world does he even have to do with recovery? Because of one word mentioned in that famous phrase: pity.

I don’t know that I’ve thought much about the meaning of that word in life, but I sure have experienced a considerable amount of pity, especially during the darkest years of my addiction to pornography.

What does pity actually mean? Pity is most commonly defined as a deep sorrow, regret, or disappointment over something. Feeling pity towards someone else can signify a sense of compassion for them.

The kind of pity I wanted to focus on in this post is most certainly a kind we’ve all dealt with: self pity. Think about your own life. In the moments and times you’ve felt self pity about something you did or maybe the person you were becoming. What did that do for you? Except make you feel like a bigger loser. I get it. I was there too.

Self pity almost never leads us to a healthy place. I read something interesting just today in my devotions: Self pity eventually leads to self-medication or self-destruction. What starts as sorrow or regret can eventually lead us to a very dangerous place in life.

Is it fair to say that self pity can introduces us to shame? Or at least are they closely related?

I’ve been reading an incredible book by Carl Thomas called “When Shame Gets Real: A New Way to Talk about Sex, Porn, and Masturbation.” Believe me when I tell you that this book has been both well thought out and well written. I love what Carl writes in the introduction:

“Shame cares about one thing and one thing only: suppressing you and everything that matters in your life such as your work, hopes, dreams, and passions. It wants to chase you into a little dark corner where you can stay hidden from the rest of the world, remaining ineffective and impotent.” (Introduction, pg.14)

Shame is a powerful force! And if left unchecked for years upon years, it can really debilitate someone’s life. I know that it did with me. Throughout my four years as a youth pastor, the weight of my own hypocrisy was steadily crushing me. And I remember the intensity of this shame as it reached its pinnacle while dating my wife. I had tried to stop looking at porn on my own without any kind of help from others.

My wife could see through all the lies. And she very nearly left me. Can you imagine that? Losing your marriage before it ever began. That was the place that I was at. At the height of shame. A crossroads where I had the choice: Was I going to continue living a secretive, diminished life or surrender to the very best life imaginable?

I chose a life of freedom. I wish I could say that shame instantly disappeared from my life, but that process took several years of work on my end and support from others who believed in me.

What started as frustration, regret, and disappointment quickly turned into a lifestyle where I thought the problem was me. What was wrong with ME?

This is what shame does. As Carl goes on to write in his book, “shame attacks your very nature and identity.” (Ch.1, pg.10)

Keep a close watch on your heart. When you feel yourself starting to gravitate towards self pity, reach out to someone you trust. The key in these types of situations is inviting others to help you process those feelings and emotions in a healthy way.

So often, if we’re not careful, we can get ourselves stuck in a rut where we’re believing lies about who we are. It works just like quick sand. Before we know it, we’re so stuck that we can’t escape on our own. We need the helping hand of another!

This is what Small Groups Online does by offering you the support and community you need when shame has a grip on your life. SGO offers weekly Zoom meetings on a day and time of your choosing where other men and women like yourself can truly find strength in numbers. Trust me when I say that none of us can make it very far on our own. Check out Small Groups Online today. It’s one decision you won’t regret!